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mentaires.info Rebel Forces Advance on Charlie Sheen, Capture Estranged Wife, 2 Kids
Thursday, March 3rd, 2011
HOLLYWOOD, CA —Crazed Hollywood dictator Charlie Sheen suffered more military losses overnight, as rebel forces captured his estranged wife and two of his five children less than 20 miles outside his palatial Hollywood compound.
Anti-Sheen forces battled fiercely into the wee hours of the morning for control of the trio and the volatile town of Burbank, California, where wife Brooke Mueller and Sheen’s sons, Max and Bobby, were being held. Shocking new video of the battle has just been released.
The capture of Burbank and its prized family members strike another crushing blow to the already crumbling Sheen regime.
As late as 12:00 PM Thursday, smoke was still engulfing Louis Vuitton, Prada, and Valentino Boutique stores throughout Burbank. Anti-Sheen fighter and former Two and a Half Men cameraman Daniel Pierce spoke over heavy gunfire and moans from nearby massage parlors. “We’re making progress, peeling away Sheen’s forces,” said Pierce, 28. “We’ve lost many who’re trying to reclaim Hollywood from this tyrant. They’ve hit us with everything –rockets, mortars, 8-balls, Quaaludes, soiled lingerie, warts, used prophylactics…It was chaos! The liberation of the two Sheenlings after all this is certainly satisfying.”
Rebel leader Denise Richards took to the air Thursday to announce the anti-Sheen forces’ victory in Burbank.
“We have struck the enemy hard. They’re on the run!” declared Richards. “It’s been bloody, it’s been sleazy, but house by house, swingers club by swingers club, we are finally liberating Hollywood from Sheen domination!”
However Richards paused to caution that it has been while in that the 45-year-old Platoon star proved the most dangerous.
And dangerous Sheen showed himself to be, as his forces launched a brutal counter-assault Wednesday night, pounding relentlessly at targets in and around porn star Bree Olson.
Sheen, too, took to the air Thursday morning, giving one of his notorious threat-laced rants on NBC’s Today Show. Said Sheen, “Those who oppose the Sheen Regime now will end up as they have before: with entrails of lava and bowels strewn across my very own massive game of Candyland! Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down!”
When asked by Today’s Jeff Rossen of what in the name of Almighty-Bat-Shit-Crazy-Hell 
he was talking about, Sheen said, “Let me be clear: the elite crows of Sheen will fly and eat out my enemies’ dead eyeballs when I’m done with them, and then fly back to my embracing arms and apply my lipstick! Then I will laugh –thy crows and fuzzy handcuffs about me!”
Rumors abound in the war and decadence-ravaged Hollywood, with sources from the ground reporting Sheen forces in a full-scale retreat, looting liquor and adult novelty stores as they flee. Other reports place warplanes loyal to Sheen bombing…CORRECTION: getting bombed near the nightclubs south of Burbank, providing much needed cover to Sheen’s troops as they make their reluctant withdraw from an 18-year-old runaway from Kansas. No matter the outcome, advancing anti-Sheen forces report finding their newly conquered territory strewn with land mines, burnt huts, herpes, gonorrhea, human papilliomavirus, and booby traps (some of which rebel troops have taken quite a liking to).
Refugees from in and around Hollywood continue to stream into San Diego and northwest of L.A., creating what many fear will be a humanitarian nightmare if refugees are left too long from their heated rock massages and plastic surgeons.
But even as Sheen’s iron-fisted grip on Los Angeles erodes and the battles rage closer to his barricaded compound, Sheen says he will never give up power.
“The shine of the Great Sheen will shimmer again, and forever,” Sheen warned. “These anti-Sheen people have picked a fight with a ‘Globlock’…that’s right, I said Goblock –that’s a warlock and a goblin. That’s what I am. I’m a Globlock! I’m special. Everything I touch turns to gold! I’ve got radioactive boogers and flatulence of Armageddon! You don’t f--- with a globlock!”
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