- Notorious B.I.G., February, 1997

Area Music Teacher Swears Wife’s Shaved Head Is Attractive

(From WIRES)

(NEWPORT, RI) — “Why, of course your hair looks good, honey..!”   —words any woman cannot hear enough.   But despite repeated attempts by friends and family to get him to admit the contrary, Newport high school music teacher Larry B. Wringley, still swears he finds his wife’s newly shaved head attractive.

     Suffering no physical ailment which would cause her not to have hair, Wringley’s wife, Eclypse, also a music teacher, has still shaved her head for reasons unclear last week.   The married couple of 33 years have endured many hairstyles by Eclypse, according to sources close to the duo Wednesday.   However Eclypse, 58, has never attempted the ever-daring pretentious-post-menopausal-art-gallery-owner-with-occassional-blood-in-the-urine look, so common with aging hippies like her.

     “A lot of (Eclypse’s) friends have her style of hair. It’s just easier to manage, I guess,” said a stoically smiling Larry Wringley Wednesday.   “She went out to get her hair done last week.  I thought she would come back with her usual perm.  Then she came home with this…this amazing new look.  Uhh, I love it!  Yeah.  I used to rescue baby birds when they fell out of their nests when I was a kid, so this hairstyle of Eclypse’s is really bringing back some fond childhood memories.”

   Although Larry’s sister is not as thrilled about Eclypse’s new ‘do as Larry claims he is.  “She looks like a damn giant Q-Tip with eyes!” according to Larry’s sister, Betty.   “Why is it when women of upper-middle class get over 55 they want to experiment with the whole super-short-hair style?   I hope my brother is honest when he says he’s digging her new Auschwitz 2.0 look.  He’s henpecked enough as it is.”

     “I swear,” contends Mr. Wringley. “Eclypse’s hair is so cutting-edge.  It’s bold, like her.   It’s strong.  Her new style says: ‘We as modernm 21st Century women don’t have to conform to society’s demand we have…umm, have to have these continually elongating follicle things… Yeah!  Great job, as usual, honey!”

UPDATE: Sources close to the Wringleys claim Larry is currently sleeping on the couch.

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