- Casey Anthony

SICK IRONY: Promise of Virgins Reunites Osama bin Laden With High School Debate Team!

(From WIRES)

Thursday, May 5^th, 2011,

BOWELS OF HELL ─Not exactly true, but definitely not a lie, the belief in an afterlife "full of virgins" has unexpectedly left Osama bin Laden eternally reunited with members of his high school and college debate teams, according to the terrorist leader's tortured soul Wednesday.

     Reporting from his new home in the agonizing netherworld of Hades, the Al-Qaeda founder and mastermind of the 9/11 terror attacks expressed great disappointment after discovering the seventy-two "virgins" he believed he would inherit upon dying for Allah are actually Nasira, Huzma, Faisal, Mohammad, and dozens of others from his high school and college debate teams.   Such a revelation has plunged the world's most notorious jihadist into an incomprehensible state of shock, nausea and depression, according to bin Laden's spirit Wednesday.

     "I fought the infidels all these years just to see these creepy assholes again?!" cried bin Laden from beyond the grave (courtesy of Vonage).  "But not only do I have to hang around them now,but I must deflower them?   Forever?!! These are certainly not the 'virgins' I was expecting..."

     "These people are indeed virgins, just like when I knew them as a kid," continued bin Laden, "and by the power of Allah, they're still virgins, and shall remain so if it is up to me!  They're the same nerdy, wretched, disgusting, outcast weirdos I remember.  Dear Allah, get me out of here!"

     Continued the newly dead bin Laden, "Hizamesh, for example, she still looks the same as when I knew her.  Her face looks like it caught on fire and someone put it out with a meat tenderizer!  Her acne was so bad her zits formed their own debate team!  And I'm supposed to deflower her?!  Holy Shit!”

      Unable to escape the endless gaggle of former debate team members from his high school and subsequent years at King Abdulaziz University, a disheartened bin Laden finally conceded Wednesday that contrary to what he had believed, he has indeed been sent to Hell; remaining unable to quell the lascivious onslaught of people who, according to bin Laden, "would make a starving vulture blow chunks" and "never could get laid even if the fate of all humanity rested with their genitals."

     Said bin Laden to Duh Progressive Wednesday, "This is some sort of cruel (expletive) joke!  Having my virgins be my schools' former debate team members is a fate worse than death...I did not kill and die for Allah to forever fend off the sexual advances of that creepy Saimah Muhammad and her halitosis, or that little Abu al-Walahi, the 1972 debate team captain –that little bastard had chunks of dandruff so big they made a bang when they fell off his head! ...Then there's Mohammad al-Habib: he says if I deflower him he'll make me Chief Imperial Imp in World of Warcraft!  Allah, please, make it STOP!"

     Added bin Laden, "I don't drink.  Islam forbids drinking alcohol.  But I swear, it's getting tougher and tougher as I go on here with these 'virgins.'  I'm already looking into what the Koran says about Ecstasy and Crystal Meth..."

Satan to Osama:  Should Have Been More Careful What You Wished For

     Bin Laden's shock and revulsion at being reunited with his former school debate team members is no coincidence, says the ruler of bin Laden's current domain, Satan (a.k.a. Lucifer, Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness, etc.).   Nor has bin Laden's lush belief in gorgeous, tender virgins turning horribly awry been a matter a happenstance, according to the Devil.

     Taking time out from a backyard barbecue Wednesday to discuss the matter, Satan said that irony was crucial in developing the right sort of punishment for bin Laden.

     "This man helped ferment the belief in thousands of young men that if they killed and died for God, they'd be rewarded with virgins.  He personally believed this, too," said Satan, chuckling.  "In Osama's case I made this belief of his into a reality… an imponderable, maddening reality.  Osama did get his virgins to deflower...but, seriously, I bet he wishes he had been an Atheist right now."

     However the Prince of Darkness said that he actually found many of bin Laden's former debate team members rather attractive.

     "Osama may be begging for his flesh to burn or eagles to rip out his intestines  instead of having to have sex with these people," added Satan, "but I've seen these debate team members, and they're not that bad.   That Saimah Muhammad is quite beautiful, on the inside.   And isn't that what really counts?  ...Sure, her three teeth aren't in the best shape, but shit, if Osama doesn't like her smile then don't tell her any jokes!  And the scabies?  −they can always be covered over with some lard.   Her pubic hair may start at her chest, just two-feet below her Andy Rooney eyebrows...but she can always get waxed.  Really, what's the problem?   She's just a 'fixer-upper,' that's all."

     Although less than a week into what he thought would be an Islamic post-mortem paradise, the world's most feared terrorist sees things a little differently.  With his mind (what’s left of it) erupting into incalculable, interstellar dejection at seeing his promise of a Heaven full of virgins devolve into a Hell full of acne-riddled irony, Mr. bin Laden has quickly come to terms with his heinous deeds on Earth.

     “Getting my head blown off by American Navy Seals was nothing compared to this!” said bin Laden to Duh Progressive Wednesday.   “I’d rather spend every day of eternity having my head explode instead of one moment touching one of these debate team dirtballs…I’d rather deflower a bag full of my grandmother’s severed chin warts!”

     Bin Laden has already filed several formal appeals to Satan, requesting his spiritual transfer to Hell be overturned and that, in the event he remains in Hell, that his punishment be changed to something more typical, such as being endlessly stung by fire ants or devoured by hogs.

    “Anything…” whimpered bin Laden as the long, fungal nails and eczematous hand of former 1970 debate team champ Hafid Rasheed ran up his leg Wednesday.  “Anything but this!”

    “Okay, I’m sorry!  Is that what you all want to hear!?” added bin Laden, breaking down in tears.  “I’m sorry for 9/11!   I’m sorry for the U.S.S. Cole!  I’m sorry for the embassies! I’m sorry for it all!   Okay?! I’m SORRY!”

     Sorry or not, Mr. bin Laden’s post-mortem existence with his “virgins” appears permanent, says Satan.

     Cracking open another cold can of Milwaukee’s Best Tuesday, the Devil commented, “I’m proud of this unique blend of ludicrous beliefs and torment I’ve created; of being ‘blessed with virgins’ actually being the worst curse ever.  It’s awesome!   And just think: when (bin Laden) does finally pop their cherries, it’ll get even worse; each one will want him for themselves!  They’ll all want to get married the very next day!   Just think of all the love letters he’ll get that’ll be soaked by people who have no excuse for why they can’t control their drool anymore!  HA!  I can’t wait for that shit to start!”

     Lucifer added he could not have come up with a better choice in virgins if he had tried.  "At first I thought of making all of Osama's virgins be farm animals," said Satan.  "But having grown up in Saudi Arabia, I doubt that would have been a new or painful experience for him.   And if I would have made all of his virgins men... Well, he wouldn't have thought he was in Hell, that's for sure."

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