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mentaires.info EMERGING: Debt Deal Would Cut Benefits for Every American Except Those Reading This Article
by Ledge Slater, new DP staff,
August 1st, 2011,
(WASHINGTON) —Hey, you. Yes, you… You, Brian Trokenbrot, 43, of Long Island…and you, Jaclyn Gonzalez, 52, of Ocean Side, CA…. And yes, even you, whoever you are who are reading this article right now –fear not, you…
According to both Republican and Democrat leaders in Congress Tuesday, the newly signed debt ceiling deal to stop ramped government spending and ease the nation’s debt burden will leave severe entitlement cuts to every American…except for you, Teresa McCauley of Lancaster, Ohio, who we know is reading this right now.
Initially decried as a timid compromise and Congress simply passing the problem down to future generations, the default-halting deal struck late Sunday night is being increasingly hailed by pundits, as it becoming clear that no one who happens to be paying attention to the current crisis will be affected by the deal’s cuts in the least (this means you, bank manager Lamar Cusak, 32, of Athens, Georgia, who has read this much of this article so far and thus needs to read no further).
“This bill is an anomaly in the annals of this chamber,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) Tuesday. “It tackles the ongoing debt ceiling crisis while keeping taxes low and drastically cutting spending on Medicare, unemployment, loan subsidies, and Social Security for every American, that is, except for Kathy and Adam Ruben, of Elko, Nevada.”
Continued Sen. Reid, “…We know the Rubens are listening right now. So, to Mrs. Ruben, Mr. Ruben, we extend our deepest felt gratitude. No one except for you all will be spared the excruciatingly endless pain this deal will inflict…and also for anyone else listening right now.”
The bill, signed into law by President Obama Tuesday afternoon, would reduce spending by 2.5 trillion dollars over the next 10 years, which is already on course to see an increase of 10 to 11 trillion in spending already. But these particular cuts, claim the bill’s promoters, ingeniously accomplishes what has up until now been considered only an American pipedream: to have every other American except you be affected by them.
Some analysts remain skeptical to the idea that Congress has indeed devised a debt and default prevention plan that affects every American except you (i.e. them…no, you, because you’re reading this right now). Former NPR reporter and Fox News anchor Juan Williams said Tuesday he found it hard to believe every American except himself (and you, of course) would be spared the draconian cuts in federal spending needed to keep the U.S. from going bankrupt and spiraling into endless depression. 
Said Williams on Fox News’ Hannity Monday night, “I have read this so-called ‘bi-partisan’ agreement and cannot fathom how every American except me would be seeing decreased benefits in their Medicare and Social Security.…We all would like everyone else except us to pay for the mess we’ve allowed ourselves to get in, but I think Congress’ promise that everyone except ‘you,’ the individual American, will have to be impacted by these cuts is the cheapest trick ever.”
“Are you saying that I’m not really going to receive all my expected Social Security payments and Medicare subsidies?” asked host Sean Hannity. They’re not going to fool anyone.”
“I can’t tell you how happy I am that every other American except me will have their benefits cut,” said relieved Cincinnati resident Joanne Lichter Tuesday. Lichter, 58, a daycare provider for the last 19 years, said that as business has fallen and the possibility for both an early and full retirement has vanished, she is more grateful than ever that Congress has decided to reduce entitlement expenditures to every other American except her (i.e. you).
Continued Lichter, “I don’t even know who my congressman is, but he must know me and know I can’t make it with any cuts to these benefits. …He’ll definitely be getting my support next election. I might even vote.”
Plumbing inspector Dominic Costello of Santa Barbara, CA, also hailed the debt deal reached Sunday, saying he never thought he would be singled out by the federal government personally for anything, particularly to be spared hardship. “I don’t know how they did it, but they did it,” Costello said to Duh Progressive Tuesday. “I mean, I’m glad my Social Security won’t be touched at all, but I feel bad for my fellow Americans. Why do 300 million people get their benefits cut and I’m spared? What have I done for this? ….Don’t hate me, please, America?
However the nay saying persists over the historically intuitive debt deal. According to Maya MacGuineas, president of the nonpartisan Committee for a Responsible Federal Budget, “Someone could have been born yesterday and still know telling each American this will impact everyone but them makes no sense at all. It does not even make sense linguistically. A raving madman could not makes sense of this spin.”
Dissenting Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) waxed slightly less philosophical on the new deal Tuesday night. “From now on when you look up the phrase ‘fucking idiotic’ in the dictionary a picture of Congress should be next to it!” said the freshman Senator to Duh Progressive Tuesday. “…To tell every American that they will be the only ones not affected by this deal is unconscionable, not to mention as fucking idiotic as all Hell! How can everyone else except for who’s hearing this right now be not affected? This makes about as much sense as covering a blind eight-year-old boy in strawberry syrup and leaving him alone with Michael Jackson’s reanimated zombie corpse all night!”
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