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mentaires.info London’s Week-Long Multicultural Festival Hailed as Success
by Michael Madshack, DP Assistant Editor
Monday, August 15th, 2011
(LONDON) — The fun and festivities that were London’s week-long Multicultural Festival seemingly drew to an end over the weekend, leaving Londoners proudly proclaiming the celebrations a smashing success.
Clean up from the merriment continued well into Monday, and is expected to continue for the next several dozen Mondays as well. However that is not stopping Londoners from taking pride in the days and nights of celebrations which have renewed their pride in being Europe’s Mecca for diversity and the harmony it inevitably produced.
“As the unofficial capital of the world, we have prided ourselves on allowing as many people from all corners of the world free reign in our city, welcoming them with open arms and wallets,” said London mayor Boris Johnson Monday in front of a smoldering pile of ruins that had once been something someone motivated and industrious had created. “Whether they be educated or not, know any English, have any job skills or means of assimilation to our society —or even want to assimilate to it— we have strove to accept them, no matter what. And last week’s festivities were proof of how well these good intensions of ours are working.”
“Britain has worked tirelessly over the years to shed our imperialist past,” continued Johnson to reporters. “And as you can see here, living in the complete opposite of that exploitative spirit has proved undeniably successful.”
The mayor’s elation is shared far and deep among fellow Londoners. London Fire Brigade Commissioner Ron Dobson said that up until last week he had doubted whether thousands upon thousands of jobless, welfare-dependant residents, most of them immigrants from vastly different nations and cultures, would ever feel comfortable living in Britain’s capital. “But this week’s celebrations have proved me wrong,” said Commissioner Dobson to Duh Progressive Monday. “If there’s anything last week’s revelry shows, it is that hordes of desperate, ignorant, entitlement-minded Third World refugees can peacefully blend into our society, despite their differences. It certainly gave this city a sense of flair. And flare.”
London’s Shop Owners Praise Celebrations
London bakery owner Francis Hampton may have been standing in the middle of the four-foot pile of pulverized brick and glass that used to be his store on Monday, but that did not stop the 53-year-old shop owner and (former) employer of six from being upbeat about the week’s events. Hampton said that he would not have wanted his business and life’s work to be destroyed for any other reason. “It could have been an earthquake or flood that destroyed by store,” said a gleeful Hampton. “That would have been most dreadful for my business. But thank God it was destroyed in the name of multiculturalism. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Tally Ho!”
Festival goer Lukoye Kibaki took time off from hiding from the police Monday to explain his reasons for participating last week’s celebration. Said Kibaki, “With this country going broke and cutting back on unemployment payouts I felt it was time for a show of multicultural unity.”
Last week’s festival will be one for the ages, said Kibaki, 19, as he and his friends jovially gallivanted about London, singing and roasting kabobs and marsh mellows by the fires left in their wake. “We celebrated our unemployment, our lack of skills and language, and our overall distain for English history and society,” Kibaki added. “It was the least we could do to thank this country’s open-mindedness. We are so grateful.”
Established Immigrants Also Rejoice in Festival’s Unity
Not even London’s self-made immigrant class was left without an overflow of pride from last week’s diversity celebration. Though routinely cited for retaining “old world” animosities, London’s Pakistani and Indian communities came together in an unusual display of solidarity as they untied to extinguish the flames of each other’s homes and businesses.
“I can’t remember the last time a multicultural festival brought us together so much,” said Pakistani restaurant owner Hamid Malik, a first generation Londoner of 22 years. Although existing enmity towards his fellow Londoners from India sometimes flared, Malik said all prior hostility evaporated last week, as longtime neighbor and occasional antagonist Rajat Patel, an Indian jeweler, helped Malik extinguish his restaurant which had been set ablaze by a bunch of, as Malik described, “overly enthusiastic revelers.” 
“Those of us who made it here and did something with our lives have been given so much to celebrate by those who came here to do nothing,” said Patel, 59, as he and Malik worked tirelessly (and in vain) last Wednesday to keep his store from burning to the ground. “Just think,” added Patel, literally coughing out the smoke that was the remains of his family’s endless toil and dreams for the last 30 years, “if these spirited youths had not been so eager to celebrate the unity this country has created, then Mr. Malik and I would never have come together like this. Now we are friends –albeit jobless, destroyed, homeless friends, but friends nonetheless.”
As Londoners clean up from what is being hailed as the greatest display of multicultural strength and pride in decades, none other than London’s police chief may have the best take on last week’s memorable events.
“In the end we all found out we are the same. That’s the moral of last week’s festivities,” said London Police Commissioner Tim Godwin to Duh Progressive Monday. “We learned Asian businesses burn down just as easily as English businesses; Muslims can attack and beat up English people as good as English people can attack and beat up Asians; police can throw tear gas just like some jobless African kid’s Molotov cocktail; an Arab girl makes the same sort of ‘splat’ sound as an Irish girl when they’re forced to leap from a burning fifth floor window; a riot baton bashes an illegal Ugandan immigrant’s face in just as easily as it can some rich anarchist from Hampstead. And as always, we hate the Jews the same, too. So, really, London proved its unity, like always.”
Added Godwin, “We all have more reason to be proud we’re from Great Britain than ever. Makes any Brit with a sense of patriotism want to scream, Allahu Akbar!”
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