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mentaires.info Students Banned from Saying ‘‘Boyfriend’’ & ‘‘Girlfriend’’ On Campus
by Denise Half-Black-Half-White-Non-Biased-Female, DP staff
Wednesday, November 9th, 2011
(Ann Arbor, MI) —The University of Michigan announced today it will ban the terms “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” on campus for students describing their romantic partners. In their place students will be urged to use the more inclusive term “strategically affectionate humanoid,” said campus officials.
The ban will take effect January 1st, requiring all students on campus to refer to their romantic partners in a manner excluding any inkling of “gender relation or honest attraction.” The first-of-its-kind ban comes after objections to the terms “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” by several campus groups, including the Transgendered Relations Council, the UM Feminist Majority (all five members), and the University of Michigan debate team; all three proclaiming the age-old “boy/girlfriend” terms to be demeaning to those who involve "gender recognition" or physical attractiveness in how their choose their romantic partners.
After growing pressure from these and other campus organizations, UM officials finally announced this morning their 
capitulation to the student groups’ demands.
According to UM debate team captain Lance Jungfrua, “Many of us feel that the time has come for strategically affectionate humanoids to have their say, and not be encumbered by such constraining terms like ‘girl’ and ‘boyfriend.’ Plus there’s the issue of people who are actually attracted to the humanoids with which they mate, which has always been an issue with the debate team –hence the ‘strategically affectionate’ part of the ban.”
Junior English major, Jennifer Wallech, of the UM Feminist Majority agrees. “There have been so many instances me and my friends have had where we weren’t wanted as romantic partners because of our gender…It’s obvious that an adherence to gender identity stood in the way of affectionate humanoid-to-humanoid relations.”
“If we were just to do away with those offensive ‘boy’ and ‘girl’ terms then I think we would be much better off,” added Wallech. “This could be the first step to real change in acceptance around the country. Change, too.”
University of Michigan Provost Philip Hanlon said Wednesday that while the university’s ban on the terms “boyfriend/girlfriend” may be strange or uncomfortable for some, the long-term 
effects will benefit all in the university system. Students who will now be encouraged to use the “strategically affectionate humanoid” term may find it initially awkward, said Hanlon, but in years they will realize the great strides the university has taken in gender nullification, and thereby discrimination.
Said Hanlon Wednesday to Duh Progressive, “Humanoid creatures who walk among this campus community will be pleased to know that the gender identifying words of ‘boy’ and ‘girl’ will no longer be necessary in describing one’s casual or routinely affectionate partner in our community. This has been a great relief to all those of our campus community who chose to partake in such affectionate endeavors…in our community.”
Continued Hanlon, “Do you think I could use the word ‘community’ a few more hundred times in a single statement…? Thank you.”
Already, students are partaking in the pending speech regulations.
“I’ve been dating this cute ‘vagina person’ from my biology class for a few weeks and have been calling her ‘my girl’ and ‘baby’ a lot,” said freshman Brian Crisdale of Omaha, Nebraska. “But since I heard these new rules and all, I started calling her my ‘strategically affectionate humanoid.’ …She loves it! She calls me her ‘strategically affectionate humanoid’ too. Makes me feel all warm inside, ya’ know? Not to mention what it does to me on the outside!” 
“It’s amazing how so many of our students have adapted to the ‘strategically affectionate humanoid’ term already,” said Professor Catharine A. MacKannon of UM’s Law School, who has been one of the chief promoters of the ‘strategically affectionate humanoid’ implementation. “I’m good friends with one of my students, and just yesterday was asking her how her date went with her ‘S.A.H.’ She said it was the best sex a strategically affectionate humanoid had ever given her. Her humanoid strategically blew her out of her affectionate mind! Now, seriously, is that not sweet?”
Sophomore physics major Brent Miller says including “strategic affectionately humanoid” in his pickup lines has actually improved his sex life on campus. Said Miller to reporters on Wednesday, “There was this cute chi…I mean ‘vagina-equipped individual’ at this bar the other night, and I was like, ‘Hey, baby, you wanna be my strategically affectionate humanoid tonight?’ Well, what can I say? –she was in bed with me that night and at least the next morning, as far as I can remember. Didn’t even need my roofies! It was amazing!”
In spite of the popular acceptance of the new linguistic protocol for the UM campus, there are some naysayers. Twenty-21-year-old junior and Rejection of Nature major Jordan Brown of the University’s Student Bestiality Union has formally registered his humanoid objections to the pending ban, saying it does not go far enough; shirking those individuals who chose their romantic partners from “non-human resources.”
“We believe the (University of Michigan) is being grossly insensitive to romantic lovers of all living creatures, particularly those of the animal kingdom,” said Brown to Duh Progressive Wednesday. Brown thinks the university’s ban on “boyfriend/girlfriend” should exclude language pertaining to homo sapiens at all, as he and members of the school’s Greek community (no, not the frat type) struggle to gain acceptance among fellow students with humanoid partners.
Said Brown, “The administration can’t have its cake and eat it, too. It can’t ban the distinction between gender identities while on the other hand allow the very degrading identity of only human-to-human coupling to persist…The university must decide: it’s got to be all or nothing.”
University of Michigan President Mary Sue Coleman said she and university officials are not ruling out banning terms describing “human status” for romantic partners on campus, but said the process for such a change must move at a comfortable pace for students.
“I have little doubt we will eventually cross those hurdles of eradicating all differences among our students while celebrating our diversity every day,” said Coleman. “Then we can move on to romance issues based on age, family-relation, mortality –whether a student’s romance partner is indeed among the living– and if they are indeed non-human…But believe me, there is that bridge to be crossed, and one day we will be crossing it, no doubt about it.”
Added Coleman, “There was that popular phrase, ‘Have you hugged your kid today?’ Well, now it’s time we asked, ‘Have you hugged your strategically affectionate humanoid today?’ We are happy to be on the cutting edge of this issue.”
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