by Joel Legnutt, DP staff
Wednesday, November 23rd, 2011,
(WASHINGTON) —The White House has abruptly suspended its annual tradition of “turkey pardoning” and faces its biggest scandal yet, after it was revealed Tuesday that a turkey President Obama pardoned in 2009 is now the top suspect in an al-Qaeda terror plot against the U.S.
The revelation has caused the Department of Homeland Security to raise the national terror threat level to “elevated,” and has ignited a political firestorm that could gobble up any chance of Obama’s re-election next year.
American presidents “pardoning” turkeys before Thanksgiving dates back to John F. Kennedy, finally becoming an official White House tradition in 1989 under George H. W. Bush. But according to the F.B.I., the first Thanksgiving turkey President Obama pardoned in his term was not a harmless Broad Breasted White turkey from Minnesota cutely named “Mr. Gobbles,” but a radical Islamist fowl from Pakistan, known among fellow al-Qaeda members as Muhammad Ibrahim al-Mufti.
Such a shocking disclosure has left the Obama administration reeling in horror, facing a terror threat as well as its worst PR crisis since deciding to take office in the first place. It took all of a nanosecond for conspiracy theories to erupt throughout the blogosphere following the F.B.I.’s disclosure of the Obama-al-Qaeda-turkey connection. Atop the fact that Muhammad “Mr. Gobbles” al-Mufti was the first turkey Obama ever pardoned further sent critics and reporters alike berserk with speculation and brought Washington to a standstill Tuesday, halting Congress’ furious debate over deficit cuts as members clamored to hear not only of the Thanksgiving al-Qaeda turkey threat, but the Goliathan scandal it has unleashed. Further compounding matters was the disclosure that al-Mufti had had run-ins with the law in 2005, yet was able to keep his true identity hidden and remain undetected until 2010.
“To call this a ‘scandal’ is an understatement,” said conservative author and columnist Ann Coulter to Fox News’ Megyn Kelly Tuesday afternoon. “This is more than a scandal; this is ‘stage four cancer’ for Obama. To pardon a turkey, one that had been arrested before, and a turkey no one at the White House knew or bothered to check the background of, is death to (Obama’s) re-election chances…If Obama’s past links to terrorists and radicals was ever doubted, those doubts are erased now, just like his second term.”
Supporters of Obama tried to inject calmer voices into the fray after the stunning disclosure Tuesday, however faced an uphill battle, as “Turkey Terror,” (as some in the press are labeling the scandal), simply continued to garner unrivalled outcry from Obama’s detractors.
“At his very best, Obama turned a blind eye to the history of this bird he pardoned!” said talk radio host Alex Jones Tuesday. “At the very worst, Obama knowingly gave a foreign-born, illegal, jihadist, Muslimist bird carte blanche to do God-knows what! How much blood will be on Obama’s hands if this turkey carries out anything they say he is planning, if he really is?! Which brings me to my next point: who can believe a government that’s been operating in the shadows for years; that was behind 9/11? What do the CIA and Bilderberg Group have against Thanksgiving all of a sudden? Why do large ugly birds hate freedom? We must ask these questions! Or should we?!”
As of 4 o’clock Tuesday, a Gallup poll found Obama’s approval rating at an all-time low of 33%, suffering a staggering 7-point drop in only 18 hours, the worst approval dip since the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal of 1998.
For its part, the White House held an emergency press conference hours after the F.B.I.’s disclosure Tuesday. But curiously absent was the man who actually set the radical fowl free two years ago, although Press Secretary Jay Carney said President Obama would be addressing the issue of his connection to the gobbling terrorist in “due course.”
“This White House has followed the same protocol in vetting the turkeys it pardons as the previous three administrations,” said a visibly unnerved Carney to White House reporters Tuesday. “This has simply been a terrible mistake, a fluke; a once-in-a-lifetime misfortune that just happened to come during Mr. Obama’s tenure. In no way does this signify a dereliction of duty on part of the President, nor indicate anything nefarious by him or any members of his staff.”
In any case, Carney added, the tradition of pardoning turkeys has been suspended indefinitely, pending a full investigation into how turkeys are chosen for presidential pardoning, how to verify their identities, backgrounds, and even if the very practice of “pardoning” turkeys is still worth the quirky, humorous photo-op it once was.
“This incident only proves again just how dangerous and unpredictable the times we're in still are,” said Carney. “We may never resume White House turkey pardoning again. Children will cry. We know. But at least the nation will be safer.”
STATE OF PANIC: A Feathered Muslim’s Plot of Destruction
The alleged Turkey Terror plot, according to the F.B.I., involves al-Mufti, and at least six other clumsily-flying jihadists, as well as three suspected human al-Qaeda collaborators from Yemen and Qatar. Anytime from Thanksgiving until Christmas, al-Mufti and his compatriots plan on detonating bombs in shopping malls and popular tourist attractions, claims the agency.
“We have intersected communications clearly linking this large-breasted turkey’s involvement with plans of terror,” F.B.I. Director Robert Mueller said at the White House press conference Tuesday. Two suspects in the al-Qaeda plot have already been captured, said Mueller –one human, one bird. “This leaves five poultry suspects at large and the two Yemenis.”
“Wait, did I sound racist just then?” added Mueller. “I didn’t mean to sound racist –calling those two men out by their nationality and all. Really, c’mon, did I sound racist just then?”
Mueller said that the two suspects in custody last week have been cooperating fully with authorities, giving officials hope al-Mufti and fellow “sleeper turkeys” will be apprehended shortly. However, warned Mueller, “These turkeys —especially al-Mufti— have shown an uncanny ability to sense when they’re in danger and elude capture.”
“MR. GOBBLES” : An Islamist Turkey’s Deadly Trail of Deception
Muhammad Ibrahim al-Mufti has a lengthy history of terrorist involvement, dating back to 1999, when al-Mufti first surfaced as a Taliban enforcer in Afghanistan. The son of Taliban Propaganda Minister Joseph Gobbles, the 2’4’’ gobbler became a ringleader in brutal crackdowns against Taliban dissidents as a young poult, claims the Bureau, and served as a courier for Osama bin Laden until 2002.
Escaping capture after NATO forces invaded Afghanistan in October 2002, al-Mufti became an organizer in radical Islamist poultry groups throughout Southeast Asia, proving essential in orchestrating deadly al-Qaeda attacks in Indonesia and the Philippines from 2002—2004.
“This turkey has proved it can inspire others to commit violence, coordinate attacks, and if need be, carry out atrocious acts himself,” said Director Mueller at the emergency White House press conference. Flanked by Attorney General Eric Holder, who said he did not indirectly aid al-Mufti in his criminal activities for a change, Mueller said that even if Pakistani authorities had known of al-Mufti’s activities, they lost their chance to arrest him in 2004, when al-Mufti is believed to have entered the United States.
“Make no mistake,” continued Mueller, “this is one dangerous bird.” The director advised anyone who may spot a suspicious looking turkey not to attempt to apprehend the radical fowl themselves. “This is no time to play hero,” said a stern-faced Mueller, “This beast has proved it can kill. He could blow himself up or shoot his way out, if confronted, or peck your nuts off. Please stay away from the bird and contact authorities immediately.”
Perhaps the most shocking of all was what was not mentioned in Tuesday’s press conference: al-Mufti’s arrest in Miami, Fl., in 2005. Following weeks of surveillance, al-Mufti was arrested on charges of racketeering, giving the alias “Mr. Gobbles” to authorities for the first time. Al-Mufti was booked on three counts of grand larceny, but was not regarded as a flight risk and released on bond; the court never assuming al-Mufti could make it past the dangerous highways surrounding the city.
Al-Mufti’s eventual entrance into Minnesota’s Ag Forte Turkey Farm was no accident, either, according to the F.B.I., as the farm was designated in 2008 to be where turkeys would be chosen for 2009’s pardoning ceremony.
“We believe al-Mufti illegally entered the U.S. three years ago on a poultry shipment from China (Yes, China. “American” turkey’s? Where else would they be from?),” said Attorney General Holder, still strangely in office. “From the West Coast we believe al-Mufti worked his way to Florida, assuming the alias ‘Mr. Gobbles,’ and eventually the Ag Forte farm in Minnesota, where he was eventually chosen for the White House pardoning ceremony.”
Clyde C. Doyle, Assistant Manager at the Ag Forte Farm, told reporters Tuesday he remembered al-Mufti as a cheerful, likeable tom, making friends with farm staff and fellow turkeys. “He was polite and went out of his way to help everyone,” said Doyle, 53, in a clear state of shock. “We called him ‘Mr. Gobbles’ because he gobbled so much. That’s why we chose him (for the White House). Had a beautiful voice, too –no accent. He helped the sick turkeys, he helped us deliver grain, medicine. I...I’m just stunned. We’re all in shock. How could we ever suspect this jolly, 28-pound bird was a terrorist? I don’t know. I don’t even know who I am anymore!”
Turkeys pardoned by U.S. presidents are usually shipped to George Washington’s Mount Vernon estate and national park in Virginia to live out the rest of their days. Shortly after his arrival in 2009, however, al-Mufti escaped. His absence went unnoticed by park staff until 2010 during a routine inventory check. According to Department of Homeland Security officials, “Mr. Gobbles’” true identity was uncovered while Mount Vernon park rangers searched for him on neighboring farms. From there authorities traced al-Mufti to rural Illinois, quickly tapping into the turkey’s phone conversations last summer. Just as the full scope of al-Mufti’s holiday terror plot was being revealed through his phone calls, al-Mufti and his comrades vanished; evidently becoming suspicious authorities were on to them. And aside from the two suspects now in federal custody, al-Mufti and the rest of the holiday terror plotters remain at large, operating anywhere from Minneapolis to New York.
SPOILED LEFTOVERS: Scandal, Fear, Outrage –a Thanksgiving Destroyed
Why a few suspicious park rangers in Virginia led to the discovery of an international turkey terrorist, when the behemoth anti-terrorism apparatus of the federal government could not leaves immense speculation and an enormous black eye to the United States’ intelligence community. Also, exactly how and why al-Mufti made his way to the forgiving hand of Barack Obama is certain to become an endless source of fodder for conspiracy buffs. On top of that, does the fact that a U.S. president pardoned a terrorist, even one with caruncles and snood rivaling those of the late Andy Rooney, now leave that terrorist free to carry out acts of violence on U.S. soil? In essence: may the government’s desperate hunt for Muhammad “Mr. Gobbles” al-Mufti ultimately be in vain, as al-Mufti, if taken alive, could simply plead presidential immunity, thanks be to Obama (and Allah)?
“The arguments for ‘continual immunity’ have been made before by presidential pardonees,” said famed lawyer and Professor Alan Dershowitz to Duh Progressive Tuesday, “and they have not succeeded yet. I doubt if a large Pakistani, Islamist fowl with a murderous past could be the first to convince a court he is free to go and commit whatever crimes he feels like because a U.S. president pardoned him.”
Added Dershowitz, “Wait, did I just sound racist then? I mentioned he was Pakistani, that didn’t sound racist, did it?! I sounded racist?! Oh God, no! Anything…!”
Regardless of the outcome of the Turkey Terror fiasco, the fact a turkey pardoned by a president with the middle name “Hussein,” a Muslim father, a questioned birth certificate, and Islamic schooling has turned out to be a Muslim terrorist has plunged the nation into angst, and the Obama administration into abject panic. How Mr. Obama will address this situation remains to be heard, let alone how his campaign team will handle this scandal-turning-crisis for his re-election bid.
Stated Press Secretary Carney Tuesday, “This is nothing more than a tragic coincidence, really. Terrorist turkeys have unfortunately been around before 9/11. To connect President Obama’s unquestionably virtuous past to a terrorist he surely never knew and unwittingly pardoned two years ago is uncalled for, to say the least.”
The White House’s statements on the matter, however, are so far doing little to assuage the storm of conspiritorists and critics. Already the Turkey Terror scandal has been pounced upon by talk shows around the country and columnists traditionally hostile to Obama.
Said radio host Don Imus Wednesday morning, “I don’t see how a president this besieged can make it through next year, no matter how shabby the (Republican) field is. It’s too disturbing. …A presidential pardon, jihad, al-Qaeda, his background, and now holiday poultry? Gimme a break! This president is toast.”
Others, however, remain adamant Obama knew more about Muhammad “Mr. Gobbles” al-Mufti, and knew precisely what he was doing when he pardoned him on November 25th, 2009.
“I’m telling you that no matter what the verdict is on this bulbous bird, the illuminati is behind it,” said talk show host Alex Jones Tuesday. “This bird was born in Pakistan, raised by China, and spawned by the Skull and Bones Society. Or was it? This ‘Mr. Gobbles’ is a creature the globalists, the gobblists, spawned by the EU. Muslim radicals have hijacked this bird from Syria, and now want to subjugate us to their corporate-AIG plans from Kenya! How many more ‘Thankless-givings’ must we endure before Obama and his ilk get to take over Thailand via the overthrow of the United States? Or will they? How much longer must I go on before I realize that I am just a CIA plant myself?! Or am I? I don’t know!”
Added Jones, “Wait, did I sound racist just then? I mentioned poultry and Muslims –didn’t mean to sound racist. Did I? Anyone..?”