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mentaires.info 'Facebook' Helping to Prevent Suicide After Years of Indirectly Driving People Towards It
by Mishi Ahria, DP college intern
Thursday, December 15, 2011,
(DUH PROGRESSIVE) —Years after creating a global network and environment that allows people to finally realize just how creepy, unpopular and miniscule their existence is in the grand scheme of the universe, Facebook announced Wednesday they are now taking steps to help prevent suicide among those they have unwittingly driven to it.
Suicide prevention features have existed on Facebook since last year, following seven years of placating to peoples’ bloated, sheltered egos and irrational senses of self-worth by connecting them to the rest of humanity, then allowing that connection to naturally demonstrate just how socially awkward and unimportant they really were to the world, thus leading to countless intentional drug overdoses, hangings, wrist-slashings, and computers screens covered in brain matter after self-inflicted gunshots…as the aftermath of the discovery that, indeed, the world actually does not revolve around them settled into the psyches of millions of people, particularly those in the U.S. and Britain.
“If someone had cared that my daughter had been baking a cake, she’d be alive today,” said Gayle Somersby, 58, of Cleveland, Ohio, Wednesday. “But then, if Facebook had braced my daughter for the fact that no one gave a shit about her minute-by-minute activities, then maybe she’d be alive today as well.”
Somersby’s 28-year-old daughter, Lindsey, committed suicide in 2009 after no one responded when she bravely proclaimed on Facebook: “I’m baking a cake!”
Naturally Somersby is hailing Facebook’s decision to increase users’ access to suicide hotlines and prevention chat rooms, but lamented that it had to take her daughter’s and many others’ suicides to do so. “(Lindsey) had been under a lot of stress and could have used the quick counseling Facebook now offers. But she didn’t have it –any of it! And 
after five minutes of no one commenting on her ‘I’m baking a cake’ status, she drowned herself in its batter! …Oh, Christ!”
Not only is Facebook now offering counseling for the false sense of undeserved popularity and importance it has helped foster among millions of naive creeps around the world, but the harassment those creeps receive at the hands of coward-creeps, now granted the ability to be indiscriminately crude, rude, and insulting under the anonymity Facebook provides.
A spokesperson for Facebook told reporters on Wednesday the 800-million-member social network has also set up anti-bullying tabs, chat rooms and counseling links for those who incur the wrath of acne-riddled dysgenics, emboldened to taunt other Facebook users through the safety of their computers, further proving that they are not as popular as they believe and that, in fact, the world is full of assholes, not people who will just somehow magically flock to adore you (yes, you, too).
“We’re taking bold steps to help prevent harassment on Facebook and further isolate users to the true severity of Man’s cruelty to Man,” said Sylvia van Morgen, a Facebook spokesperson to Duh Progressive Wednesday via phone interview. “Whatever it takes to prevent users from being mean to each other and remain ignorant of just how unknown they are in the cosmos…and how disliked they would be once they become known, that’s our goal with these new measures.”
Added van Morgen, “I posted this news as well on my Facebook account yesterday, but no one has commented or hit ‘like.’ Apparently no one has noticed. Or maybe it’s because no one cares…about me! Nobody gives a shit what I do! Nobody f***ing cares! Nobody's ever given a goddamn shit about me! ME! Noooo!”
Breaking down in tears, van Morgen then dropped the phone receiver, the sound of screaming and breaking glass still audible as van Morgen threw herself out of Facebook’s 46th floor headquarters in Manhattan.
UPDATE: Mishi Ahira, Duh Progressive’s intern reporter who wrote this article, passed away this morning from an apparent suicide after reading a “mean” comment about this story someone left on his Facebook page. However the Ahira family would like to remind readers that Mishi was after all Japanese, so his tragic suicide was only a matter of time. Ahira was an enthusiastic and well-sheltered 19-year-old mini-narcissist in training. He will be greatly missed by Duh Progressive staff…but certainly not on Facebook. Nobody gives a shit.
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