Taliban Mulls Repeal of ''Don't Ask, Don't Behead'' Policy
by Ledge Slater, Duh Progressive staff
Thursday, February 10th, 2011
(Paktika Province, Afghanistan) —Taliban leaders announced Monday they are considering repealing the radical Islamic group’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Behead” policy regarding gay soldiers within its military. In its place would begin a policy of automatic expulsion and castration of Taliban soldiers discovered or suspected of being gay, as well as banishment from Afghanistan and Pakistan.
The move to lift the policy of immediate decapitation has been met with controversy and fear over how the ban's eradication would affect the Taliban's steadfast morale. The group has been on a rebound in Afghanistan since 2007, and has held its ground throughout much of the last two years, thwarting the mightiest military in the world as it continues to occupy towns and villages outside of Kabul.
Until now the radical Islamist sect has not hesitated to behead suspected or admitted homosexuals among its ranks. However as NATO drone strikes increase, Taliban leaders believe the time is right to do away with its "Don't Ask, Don't Behead" (DADB) protocol.
“Our morale is outstanding despite the increased strikes, and the troops are in great spirits,” said Taliban commander Mawlawi Abdul Kabir to reporters outside the Afghan city of Jalalabad Monday. 
“With enthusiasm of the troops so high, the time is right to modify our (DADB) policy. We won’t ask if a soldier is gay, and if they tell us they’re gay, we won’t decapitate them, just castrate and banish them. I think we’re ready for this bold step forward.”
The proposed change in policy comes as a great relief to potential Islamo-fascist fighters currently refraining from joining the Taliban, according to 22-year-old gay Afghani, Qari Muttaqi. Said Muttaqi, “I’m gay, I’m proud, and I want to fight the infidels as much as anyone. But I can’t. It would be great if I were only castrated and banished once my sexual persuasion is discovered.”
Although the suspension of automatically beheading gay Taliban troops is being met with reluctance, if not outright objection by many upper and mid-level leaders of the militarized fundamentalist group. From his undisclosed hideout near the northern Pakistani town of Nushki, Taliban Southern Operations Coordinator Mufti al-Alalalalalala released a statement to the press decrying the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Behead.
“With the drone attacks rising against our troops now is not the time to turn our army into a social playground,” said al-Alalalafa-la-la-la-la. “We fear this repeal will have deleterious effects to the morale of our fighting men, regardless of what the top brass thinks. We must behead our gay troops upon discovery or even suspicion.”
Added al-Alalalalala, “And I’ve been looking for a good excuse to use ‘deleterious’ in a sentence for a long time, too!” 
Al-Alalalalala’s objections have being seconded by Taliban commanders on the ground in Afghanistan.
Said Mohammad Sharif, former Minister of Interior Affairs, from northern Afghanistan Monday, “Let me get this straight: they want our brave men to be hunkered down in a foxhole somewhere with a comrade they know is homosexual, and all our boys can do is castrate him and banish him from a two-thousand-mile radius..? That’s just ridiculous! It’s certainly not keeping with tradition. And tradition is important in these trying times.”
“We had this new recruit we thought was gay a while back, so we held him down and cut his head off promptly,” said Taliban soldier Malik Abbas. “Now how could I keep up the good fight knowing that guy was only castrated and running for his life out in the desert somewhere, probably bleeding to death? I don’t think I could go on like that.”
However such objections are not stopping top Taliban officials in their plan to repeal the DADB rule, of which the United Nations is expressing approval. 
“When we finally induct the Taliban into the U.N. Security Council next year, this ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Behead’ policy of theirs will be an issue. It makes some of us in the U.N. uncomfortable,” said U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon to the Associated Press over the weekend. Moon said that it would behoove the Taliban to “tone down” is reprisals against its gay servicemen and implement its proposed new policy of 'Ask, Then Castrate' (ATC).
“But then again,” said Moon, “there was that gay U.S. Marine who was expelled for dancing around his barracks endlessly in a tutu in 2004, so who are the real hate-mongers here?”
The Taliban has its hands full –both of opinions to sway and objections to quell as it mulls entering a new day of tolerance and castration of gay soldiers within its ranks. Liking it or not, commanders such as al Alalalalalala say they are steadfastly opposed to the pending change of regulations.
“These limp-wristed bleeding hearts are going to ruin this army!” said al Alalalalala from his hideout. “What soldier wants to fight for Allah with only a wimpy-ass ‘Ask, Then Castrate’ policy in place? The Taliban is being governed more by politicians than real soldiers! Are we all now expected to..?”
UPDATE: al Alalalalala’s statement was cut short upon being vaporized by a United States Predator drone missile
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