by Jack Lakeman, DP Editor-in-Chief
Monday, May 1st, 2012,
(SPRINGFIELD, MA) —In a stunning pronouncement at a rally in Springfield, Massachusetts this morning, Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul publicly declared his own presidential campaign "unconstitutional."
Paul, whose strict adherence to the nation's Constitution and libertarianism has set him apart from other GOP candidates, made the pronouncement to a shocked crowd of around 1,000 supporters.
Fans of Paul are used to his taking on such institutions as the IRS, public schools, and the Federal Reserve System, under the grounds they are not stipulated in the U.S. Constitution. But nothing could have prepared them for what the Goldwater-esque Texas congressman had to say this morning.
"Look," announced Paul, "I've read the Constitution over and over, and nowhere in it does it mention anything about me having to run for president. I seriously doubt the constitutionality of all my presidential bids, including this one. I think my candidacy has been very unconstitutional! Folks, I’m so sorry."
Supporters of Paul staggered away from the rally in disbelief and dismay, many tossing their "Ron Paul 2012" posters and other campaign paraphernalia on the ground, retreating home or back to their college frat houses.
"This is the first candidate that has brought me out of my fortified bunker in 20 years," said Dan Bristle, 52, of neighboring Chicopee. "I have all the food and provisions needed to endure a 40-year stand-off, and to come out today and hear this? This is just too depressing."
Added Sutton, “I knew Dr. Paul was a stern follower of the Constitution, but isn’t this ultra-strict interpretation just a little too much? It doesn’t make sense.”
Paul continued to apologize to supporters after his speech, shaking hands with MA residents and comforting those who had remained so loyal throughout this vigorous uphill battle for the Republican nomination. Said Rosetta Blankert, of Springfield, “I knew (Ron Paul) was a strict Constitutionalist, and that’s what we need now in this country. But I never thought such hard devotion would come back and ruin him in this way. It’s tragic…Ironic, but tragic too.”
Other Ron Paul fans differ from Blankert, claiming they saw such an ironically devastating twist of fate coming a long time ago. Most curious among those who saw the Paul-unconstitutionality issue coming is Paul’s own son, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul. Said Sen. Paul to reporters outside his Senate office Monday, “I told dad… Told him years ago: ‘Dad, there’s no mention in the Constitution about you or your campaign to be president. It’s not even in the Federalist Papers…not even in the Dead Sea Scrolls.’”
The Kentucky senator said his dad refused to believe him, claiming he knew the Constitution well enough to know what it mentioned and what it didn’t mention. “My dad knew all our nation’s founding documents by heart when I was a boy, so I don’t understand why this comes as a shock to him now.”
Sad Revelation or Saving Face?
Skeptics and Ron Paul opponents claim the Texas congressman is simply bowing out after poor showings in nearly all the Republican primaries to date. Dwarfed by the money, delegates and media coverage of now presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney, Paul’s chances for clinching the party’s nomination are miniscule at best, according to political scientists like the University of Virginia’s Dr. Larry Sabato. Rather than accept that he has been defeated, Sabato said the Paul camp is concocting the “unconstitutional issue” to save face.
“I gotta hand it to them, this is a most witty excuse by a political campaign for why they should stop,” said Sabato to Duh Progressive. “A devout Constitutionalist being so devout that he realizes his own campaign to ‘restore the Constitution’ is in itself unconstitutional..? C’mon, that’s ingenious! –sad, transparent, but ingenious. It sure beats a sex scandal or ‘wanting to spend more time with your family.’”
The now roaring Mitt Romney camp issued a press release Monday morning, congratulating Rep. Paul’s idealism, vigor and years of public service. “There has never been a doubt over Congressman Paul’s love for this country,” the statement read. “If Ron Paul feels his interpretation of the Constitution demands he relinquish himself from this race, then that is his decision. We wish the Congressman luck with all his future endeavors.”
Reporters caught up to the former Massachusetts governor at a campaign stop in Boston Monday morning. Replied Romney when asked what he thought of Ron Paul’s reason for dropping out of the race, “Who’s Ron Paul?”
During his daily press briefing, White House reporters also asked Press Secretary James Carney what President Obama thought of Ron Paul’s unique excuse for ending his campaign, to which Carney replied, “What’s the Constitution?”
Note to Ron Paul fans: Contrary to what the above article may suggest, Duh Progressive thoroughly enjoys Ron Paul and has an affinity for his views more than any political candidate in recent memory. But enough about the last ten minutes… Just kidding –YOU ROCK, RON!