Obama Administration to Issue ‘‘You’re #1’’ Ribbons to Millions of Unemployed
by Denise Half-Black-Half-White-Unbiased-Token-Female, DP staff
Thursday, May 24th, 2012,
(WASHINGTON) —Hey, if it can work in public schools, it can work for America’s unemployed. Or so goes the theory. In hopes of boosting self-esteem among the nation’s jobless, thereby engendering confidence that will spur job creation, the Department of Labor announced Thursday it will be issuing pin-on “You’re #1” ribbons to the nation’s estimated 12.5 million unemployed.
What some have labeled a “bold” and “risky” move by the Obama administration was announced by DOL Secretary Hilda Solis at a press conference Thursday morning. The administration’s plan will leave every single unemployed adult with a blue two–by–six inch ribbon, commonly distributed to school children, by the end of the spring. At a production cost of 25 million taxpayer dollars (twice the number of ribbons produced), the 12.5 million ribbons will begin being mailed June 1st.
No one ever feels bad after receiving a “You’re #1” ribbon, said Secretary Solis, which is the administration’s goal –to boost cheer among the documented Americans without jobs (hence “documented,” i.e. filing unemployment; hence not counting those underemployed or forgone looking for work altogether) and in doing so, energize them to further seek work, or at least feel better about being out of work.
“We give ‘You’re #1’ ribbons to our school children already,” proclaimed Solis to reporters. “Hell, even if students fail, we still 
give them the ribbon, and that makes them feel good. And that’s what we’re all about here: trying to make our unemployed feel good about themselves.”
Continued Solis, “Whether your job was sent overseas, or you were downsized, or quit because some heartless, rich CEO demanded you show up and do certain tasks every day, and now you’re struggling with bills, or about to become homeless, on food stamps, or are so depressed you’re contemplating that whole murder-suicide-thing that's all the rage nowadays…the Labor Department and the Obama administration want you to know we care; you’re in our hearts; and gosh-darn it, you’re a winner! You all are ‘Number One.’ Now wear those ‘You’re #1’ ribbons with pride, unemployed America!”
Solis’ comments were echoed by White House Press Secretary Jay Carney Thursday. “The President and the rest of us could not agree more with Secretary Holis,” responded Carney to CNN’s Jessica Yellin during his daily press briefing. “Employed, unemployed, underemployed, on welfare, or laying in a stagnant puddle of your own Steel Reserve-reeking urine in a gutter somewhere —we’re all ‘number one’ now. That’s what the administration is saying, particularly to the unemployed.”
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However in a surprising admission, Carney said the actual effectiveness the 12.5 million ribbons will have in reducing unemployment was “secondary” to the administration’s aims. “What we are interested in most are feelings,” Carney added with a “You’re #1” ribbon pinned proudly on his chest. “After all, the President campaigned on ‘hope’ –that’s a feeling. So above all, we want our stagnant jobless population to feel good about their joblessness. …Imagine: if you’re jobless and you have an interview, just think how confident you’ll feel going in wearing a ‘You’re #1’ ribbon. And even if you’re 
rejected, you’ll still feel like ‘you’re number one.’ I think we’re failing to realize the power a ‘You’re #1’ ribbon really has.”
As expected, Republican naysayers in Congress and presidential contender Mitt Romney sank their dispiriting claws into the President’s mass “You’re #1” ribbon dispensation plan. “This is vapid, election year theatrics at its most blatant and condescending!” said Mitt Romney during a campaign stop Thursday morning. “It sums up the false, flaccid effects this White House has had on this economy all along! What will they do next, win us over with magic pills that’ll make our farts smell like Kate Upton’s cleavage?”
Upon learning about the administration’s ribbon plan, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor began to voice opposition on the matter, but instead projectile vomited over his office desk, according to witnesses, splattering visitors and pubescent staffers alike with hours-old Egg McMuffins.
You’re Number One (In the Unemployment Line)
Forty-five year old Philadelphia resident Martha Ruffino may not have had a job for 19 months. Martha Ruffino may no longer be able to afford daycare for her three kids. Martha Ruffino may no longer be able to make payments on her 387-inch flat screen plasma TV she bought two years ago. Martha Ruffino may soon have to move back in with her parents and start selling blood and body parts to survive… However, according to the former retail sales manager, her pending “You’re #1” ribbon is already making her feel happier about her current state.
“Just this morning they came and repossessed my car,” said a tearful Ruffino on her doorstep 
Thursday. “But I’m not crying about the car, or about how I’ll get to job interviews or get my baby’s asthma medicine. I’m crying because no one has given me a ‘You’re #1’ ribbon before; no one that is, accept Obama. He’s got my vote again, no doubt!”
But some unemployed Obama voters from 2008 are more skeptical about the practical impact of feel-good ribbons, and if pinning them to their chests every day (at least until election day, according to Press Secretary Carney) will leave them feeling better, worse, or as 32-year-old Chicago native Federico Avila put it: “like a total ass.” Said the former dental assistant and previous Obama voter to Duh Progressive Thursday, “So this ‘I’m Special Winner‒whatever’ button is supposed to make me feel better about being unemployed for a (expletive) year?! …Hey, what about hiring me to help make the damn ribbons? Wouldn’t that help me, uhh, not need them in the first (expletive) place?!”
But according to Obama campaign manager Joe Messina, hiring people like Avila was simply not possible this election year. Said Messina to the AP Thursday, “What, ‘You’re #1’ ribbons for America’s unemployed actually being made in America? We’re sorry, but that would be too expensive.”
Added Messina, “We’re going to make these feel-good ribbons the good ol’ fashion way —in China."
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