The following is the first of Duh Progressive’s two-part exposé on the news GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney has chosen a running mate, and who exactly is the mysterious woman many are calling “perfect” for the Republican 2012 ticket, but others are calling a “perfect joke.”
Romney Chooses New Orleans’ Carla Martinez as Running Mate (Part 1)
by Jonathan Lakeman, DP Editor-in-Chief
Monday, June 18th, 2012,
(JANESVILLE, WI) —America, meet Carla Martinez! She just may be your next vice president.
Responding to ceaseless concerns over whether Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney can appeal to America’s increasingly diverse voting blocs, the Romney campaign announced today it has chosen the 40-year-old New Orleans District Court official as its vice presidential nominee. The announcement has shocked the nation’s political class and stunned the public into curiosity the likes of which puts all previous announcements of VP running mates (of any party) to shame.
Team Romney is hailing the choice of Carla Martinez as the “crème-de-la-crème” of diverse running mates, fitting nearly every demographic historically elusive to Republicans; as Martinez is none other than a young, gay, African-American female midget with Hispanic roots, a fake glass eye, and with a hopelessly incurable case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Following months of research, the Romney camp says it stands solidly behind Ms. Martinez, who has been New Orleans’ District Court’s Register of Wills for the past four years. But Martinez’s low-level public position and her young age have others scratching their heads, while Martinez’s lesbianism, physical deformity, glass eye, and raging IBS have some others nearly scratching their heads…off.
Long suspected vice presidential running mate, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL), in particular, is reacting with reserved curiosity at Romney’s choice for potential Veep. “Romney’s choice for running mate is indeed peculiar, but Senator Rubio congratulates both candidates nonetheless,” said Rubio’s Chief of Staff Cesar Conda Monday. “…A Black-Hispanic lesbian midget city court administrator with Irritable Bowel Syndrome and one eye..? We hope she works out for Governor Romney. Really.”
Other GOP vice presidential hopefuls are choosing a less cordial route in describing Romney’s curious choice for VP.
“I cannot fathom a more unqualified nominee for Vice President,” said Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal to reporters outside the governors’ mansion Monday. “I’m not saying I should have been chosen, or that I’m disappointed, but really: what on earth could a 40-year-old Register of Wills of a district court bring to an office that’s only a heartbeat away from the most powerful position in the world?”
Facing such outcries over Ms. Martinez’s (lack of) qualifications and accusations she was chosen only to appeal to various social demographic groups, the Romney camp has been quick to point out Martinez’s popularity in New Orleans and extensive experience in public service, dating all the way back to her junior year in high school.
“Carla is simply the most qualified candidate at this pivotal moment in America,” said Mitt Romney to curious reporters in Janesville, Wisconsin, Monday. “Her dedication to public service and executive experience is beyond question.''
Romney said Martinez’s unique physical, sexual, and socio-economic characteristics had absolutely nothing to do with why she was chosen as Republican VP nominee, and appeared taken aback by reporters’ suggestions he was overtly trying to branch out to various voting groups.
“Given his recent announcements, I think President Obama holds the crown of group-pandering,” stated Romney later at a campaign stop in Dubuque, Iowa, Monday afternoon. “Carla is a dear friend and great leader. I’ve known Carla ever since the last time I met her five years ago in New Orleans. She’s a warrior, a patriot, a fiscal conservative who will fight for the middle class. …It is only a coincidence she is an African-American of Hispanic heritage who’s gay, a midget, has Irritable Bowel Syndrome and a glass eye that pops out every now and then…as well as a former gambling addict.”
Gambling addiction is just one of the many attributes the former Massachusetts governor has left to his aids and campaign staff to delicately tout. Aside from her career at the District Court and a jaw-dropping rags-to-riches story that would bring Horatio Alger to tears, the humble and squeaky-voiced Martinez boasts many other incredible credentials essential for a national political candidate today:
• Female (attracting female/metrosexual male voters)
• Forty years old (appealing for younger voters)
• Physically challenged/disabled/differently enabled/uniquely enabled/superiorly-abled-if-you-stop-to-think-able-it-abled, standing 4’1’’ (appealing to the handicapped)
• Has a left eye made of glass, prone to popping out when she gets emotional, as in a political debate with liberals (again appealing to the handicapped and those with “wandering eyes”)
• Twenty-five year resident of New Orleans (appealing to crime victims, combat vets, and PTSD sufferers)
• Recovering gambling addict (appealing to poor, blue-collar and middle class swing voters)
• Once worked as a mortician (appealing to the critical deceased Democrat vote)
• Practicing Wiccan (appealing to non-Christians and white Democrats)
• Survivor of Hurricane Katrina (appealing to minorities and guilty white urbanites)
• African-American (self explanatory)
• Hispanic roots and last name (appealing to…guess)
• Speaks Spanish fluently (appealing to…why even bother?)
• Has Irritable Bowel Syndrome (appealing to seniors)
• Has a gay 66-year-old lover with Alzheimer’s disease who has been looking for the car she owned in the 1970s for the last five years (appealing to baby boomers and senior voters)
Regardless of her seemingly endless list of social and cultural qualifications so crucial for public office this day and age, Martinez’s legal and political experience is being deemed “embarrassing” by many, and will no doubt be targeted by the Obama campaign in the weeks to come. “I’m sure Ms. Martinez would be the person I would choose to help me hide estate assets from the IRS, but that is a far cry from someone who could be the leader of the free world,” said Obama advisor David Axelrod to reporters Monday.
Added Axelrod, “Mitt Romney might think Martinez is the perfect candidate to reach out to minorities and other non-Republican voters, but she is a perfect joke as far as blatant political pandering goes.”