Anderson Cooper On Way To Coming Out Of Every Closet in America
(From WIRES)
Tuesday, July 3rd, 2012,
(LONG ISLAND, NY) —CNN anchor Anderson Cooper reached a milestone Tuesday evening after stepping out of his 50-millionth closet in the United States and declaring his homosexuality, leaving the longtime cable journalist with only 30,809,422 closets of the country’s households left to come out of.
The honor of Anderson’s most recent landmark admission fell upon Long Island residents Harold and Beverly Cheveski, who were stunned to find the grey-haired anchor in their hall closet after returning from grocery shopping Tuesday afternoon. Said Mrs. Cheveski, 43, to reporters after Cooper left their house, “I couldn’t believe it. Harry and I got home and when we walked passed our hallway closet this tall grey–haired reporter jumped out and yelled, ‘Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Cheveski! The fact is, I’m gay, always have been. Well, have a nice evening. Goodbye!’ …And then he walked out the door and to our neighbor’s house to do the same thing! What the hell?!”
The nation has been well aware of Cooper’s sexuality for years. Despite having been on the cover and subject of such magazines as The Advocate, Out and numerous local gay and lesbian-aimed magazines and newspapers around the country, as well as publically admitting off-the-cuff he is gay 
throughout the years, Cooper says he remains fixated on personally making sure every American knows he’s gay via personal visits (via their closets).
“Coming out of one closet about my homosexuality is not enough –I must come out of them all!” declared a brimming Cooper in a satellite interview with fellow CNN anchor Erin Burnett Tuesday night from upstate New York.
“I understand the risks of unexpectedly jumping out of people’s closets in order to tell them I’m gay,” said Cooper on his segment, Anderson Cooper 360⁰. “I’ve aqlready had guns drawn on me, some assaults, dog attacks, police showing up… It just seems people aren’t used to having a strange man, even a famous one, unexpectedly jump out of their closets and declare his homosexuality. It just goes to show how far this country has yet to come in its acceptance of gays and lesbians.”
Cooper said that it was not his intention to frighten or hurt anyone, and that letting every American know he was gay is his only motive behind his current “closet tour,” as he called it.
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Sixty-three-year-old Martha Schinglebaum, of Erie, Pennsylvania, is one of the many Americans frightened by the unannounced emergence of the 45-year-old journalist from her coat closet Tuesday morning. “I woke up and was preparing to take my poodle, Mr. Winkers, out for his morning walk,” said Mrs. Schinglebaum to police. “When I opened the closet to grab my umbrella Anderson Cooper jumped out! ‘The fact is, I’m gay, always have been!’ he yelled. I almost had a heart attack! Mr. Winkers bit his ankle and peed on his foot. I hit him with my umbrella and told him to get out of my house. 
(Cooper) ran out the door, but not before turning one more time, ‘Just saying, I’m gay! No reason to be a bully!’”
“I don’t care who Mr. Cooper finds attractive or loves,” added Schinglebaum. “It’s like he cares about his sexuality more than I do.”
“That was a rough one,” said Cooper, recalling the Schinglebaum incident to CNN’s Erin Burnette Tuesday night. “It just shows how bullied the LGBT community still is, even by poodles...and how we must try even harder to make the words ‘bully’ and ‘homophobe’ synonymous with each other.”
Exactly how Cooper is able to enter people’s homes and closets without detection remains unknown. Federal authorities in CNN’s Atlanta headquarters, where Cooper’s “coming out quest” began, say they have alerted state and local police agencies everywhere from South Carolina, to Florida, Tennessee, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Washington D.C., Pennsylvania, and now New York, where Cooper is making his rounds to residents’ closets.
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“We have encountered Anderson Cooper routinely in several states,” said FBI Deputy Director Sean M. Joyce to Reuters Tuesday. “Usually it’s due to a 9-1-1 call from people terrified to find a strange man in their closets telling them he’s gay. So far Mr. Cooper has been lucky not to have been shot or killed by the homes’ occupants, as being in someone’s home illegally is usually reason to use deadly force (however being in a entire nation illegally is perfectly fine).”
Joyce added that although it is highly illegal and dangerous for Cooper to be breaking in people’s homes and jumping out of their closets to profess his gayness, the CNN host has not stolen any items or caused any damage to the 50 million domiciles he has visited. “He just waits for the right moment, comes out of the closet, tells the occupants he’s gay, and leaves. He’s like a really boring, gay Santa Claus,” said a mystified looking Joyce to reporters Tuesday. And even though CNN’s Cooper has now technically committed 50 million felonies, arresting the famed news anchor may be tougher than expected.
“Anyone else who’s broken into this many homes would be arrested and thrown in jail for life,” added Deputy Director Joyce. “But Mr. Cooper is gay after all, and he’s doing this to promote awareness that he is gay, and that there are other people out there who are gay ‒because that’s news to everybody‒, so no agency, be it federal, state or local, wants to arrest someone during their quest for gay awareness. No one wants to be accused of being a bully, you know?”
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