Atheist Totally Unaware God Just Told Him to Go F**k Himself
by Ibrahim al-Lincoln, official DP Muslim Civil War Re-Enactor,
Friday, July 13th, 2012,
(CRYSTAL CITY, VA) —Despite days of unidentified thunderous callings from the heavens above, and the apparent lack of anyone else around him who claims to hear the same voice he hears, longtime professed Atheist, Tyler Harrison, still has no clue that it is indeed God, the Lord Almighty, who is calling upon him to indeed “go fuck himself,” according to sources Thursday.
Harrison, a 35-year-old cyber security consultant and Atheist since 2005, had been going normally about his daily activities until the morning of Tuesday, July 10th, when, according to Harrison, he awoke in his bed to a thundering voice, commanding him to perform sexual activities upon himself. And according to sources, a bewildered Harrison has repeatedly asked others if they are hearing the same booming voice from the (alleged) sky, commanding them also to go have sex with themselves.
“But it’s not a kind voice telling me to ‘go fuck myself,’” said Harrison to Duh Progressive Thursday. “It’s a stern, irritated voice. It’s angry.”
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Harrison is one of the world’s leading cyber security consultants for international corporations, an occupation which has earned him a seven-digit salary for ten years, along with two multi-million dollar 
homes, a Ferrari, Cadillac Escalade, 90-foot yacht, lifetime memberships to the world’s finest golf clubs and resorts, and a girlfriend (or four) who makes Kate Upton look like Lizz Winstead on a bad day. Harrison also has never been sick a day in his life, and enjoys the love and support of a nurturing, nuclear family and innumerable friends. In essence, Harrison has lived somewhat of a charmed life, an aspect the 35-year-old Harvard alumni says the booming voice “has something against.”
Said Harrison to reporters Thursday, “When the voice first spoke to me it said, ‘My child, I have granted thee every luxury possible, made your life a paradise, yet you still do not believe in my existence. You leave me with little choice, child: I hereby command thee to go fuck thyself.’ …That was two days ago, but since then it has just stuck to the ‘go fuck thyself’ line. I think it’s mad, probably out of jealousy.”
And Harrison also has a clue to whom the roaring voice belongs. “James Earl Jones, no doubt about it!” proclaimed Harrison to Duh Progressive in Crystal City, Virginia, Thursday. “I don’t know where James Earl Jones is hiding, or why he keeps following me around. And I certainly do not know why he keeps demanding I go fuck myself…the old perv!”
Added Harrison, addressing the 81-year-old actor and famed voice-over while pointing aimlessly in the air, “James Earl Jones, I don’t know what your problem is, but if I find you I’m gonna whip your sorry old pervert ass! You hear me?! And who says ‘thy’ anymore, anyway?! Creep!”
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Raised Episcopalian, Harrison said he stopped believing in God after “years of deep consideration” of all the pain and suffering in the world, and because being outrageously successful, rich, attractive, healthy and young was not enough to give him that certain je ne sais quoi that puts the finishing touch on over-educated urban snobbery. “I had every reason to feel self-righteous and superior to everyone, and did to a large degree, but there was always something missing –and I do mean missing,” Harrison told Duh Progressive Thursday following after another roaring command of “Go fuck thyself!” coming down from the sky.
“Then years ago I figured it out,” added Harrison. “There was only one thing keeping me from feeling the warmth of an outrageous sense of self-righteousness: Atheism. It was simple.”
Hence, with James Earl Jones nowhere to be found, Harrison is rejecting growing suggestions the booming “go fuck thyselves” could indeed be the voice of the Lord. “My mom says (the voice) is God just expressing his frustration after all ‘He’s’ done for 
me… Whata’ load of crap! No one has made me what I am today except me.”
“God? Really? Why not the Tooth Fairy?” Harrison quipped, rolling his eyes.
When it comes to eye-rolling, Harrison is not alone. “It’s, like, there’s no reaching this dumbass,” said the Creator and Lord and Master of the Universe, God, to reporters Thursday. “I do everything for this man –and many like him‒ and yet people like this schmuck reject me all the time. What the fuck?!”
The Lord added that He found it ironic that the easier He makes peoples’ lives and more knowledge he bestows upon them, the less certain of His existence they become. “I guess if I made (Harrison) broke, homeless, and drug-addicted overnight, killed his family in some horrible accident, and sent (Harrison) to prison, he’d ‘discover’ Me then… Whata’ asshole!”
“Cynicism and Irony —two universal forces which I did not intend to rule, yet do. Shit!” said God to Duh Progressive, adding that He does not plan on punishing Harrison and fellow Atheists for not believing in Him, however added, “…But I think it’s time to tell these people; these children of mine, flat-out: I’ve lost My patience, and it’s just time to tell them, you know: Dear Atheists, Go Fuck Yourselves!”
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