Thursday, March 7th, 2013,
(WASHINGTON) —In perhaps the greatest and most horrid twist of political irony ever witnessed in the modern times, the nation watched in shock this morning as the Obama administration cut short Kentucky Senator Rand Paul’s hours-long filibuster against its policies regarding domestic use of drones by obliterating the entire Senate side of the U.S. Capitol…with a predator drone.
Senator Paul had been conducting a rare and true “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington”—style filibuster to hold up a vote on the President’s nomination of the “pro-domestic drone” John Brennan to be the new CIA director. Towards the end of his 12th hour of filibustering, an exhausted Paul curiously stopped speaking of how the use of military drones in the U.S. violates various portions of the Constitution and other federal provisions, and how Americans should fear any president’s use of military power to enforce domestic law. “Does anyone else hear that weird humming sound?” Sen. Paul asked around 12:50 AM. “Is that coming from in (the Senate chamber) or outside?”
It was coming from outside.
As Sen. Paul and fellow Republicans still in the Senate looked around for the source of the low humming sound, they and the entire Senate side of the Capitol building exploded in a thunderous blaze that shook Washington and could be seen as far away as Baltimore.
The Obama administration casually took credit for the drone attack, which it classified as a “surgical strike against a growing hostile threat to national security, Senator Rand Paul.”
As fire and rescue crews raced to the now half-remaining U.S. Capitol building around 1:05 A.M., the Department of Homeland Security released a formal statement:
“At approximately 12:00 PM on Wednesday the FBI and other agencies in the Department of Justice began receiving communications of a hostile and threatening nature from inside the United States Senate chamber by a particular Senator from Kentucky. Authorities from Homeland Security were notified that several high ranking members of the Senatorial legislature, led by Sen. Rand Paul, were attempting to obstruct a crucial vote on a possible Director for the CIA, thus posing a national security threat.
“Repeated warnings to the rebelling Senator(s) were issued but ignored as the evening progressed. The tone of the obstruction grew to such a length and nature that it was deemed a threat to national security by midnight, and the domestic drone program had to be implemented to neutralize the threat Sen. Paul and his colleagues were posing.”
Obviously killed in the early morning destruction of the nation’s Senate chamber was Senator Rand Paul himself, along with several of his colleagues, including Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wisconsin), Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Florida), Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), Sen. Tim Scott, (R-South Carolina), Sen. Dean Heller (R-Nevada), Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah) and Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-Illinois), as well as around 100 staff members of the senators, the Senate itself, and security and maintenance personnel on shift at the time.
“We deeply regret the collateral damage experienced from the surgical strike to stop the potential overthrow of the United States government by Senator Paul,” read a press release from the White House, posted at 1:16 A.M. “We mourn the loss of those not involved with the plot Senator Paul was espousing and will be issuing free cell phones to the wives and children they left behind (except for Senator Dick Durbin; he simply wasn’t ‘pulling his weight’ like he should have anymore).”
“Furthermore,” continued the White House’s statement, “Senator Paul was a pain in the ass anyway. He always has been. He was taking on for hours, just blathering about Constitutional violations, civil liberties and privacy issues and just getting to be an outright bore. No one likes a ‘Debbie Downer,’ you know? …Our targeting of him not only did our national security a favor but a favor for the viewers of C-SPAN (all four of them).”
As Washington and rest of the nation begin coming to terms that a U.S. domestic drone strike against a “non-combatant citizens” was used to kill a freely elected non-combatant citizen speaking out against domestic drones, people are quickly beginning to express "more accepting" views to the federal government’s use of the unmanned mini spy and bombing aircraft, which have been rumored to possibly do everything from searching for marijuana in someone’s backyard, to record people’s cell phone calls, detect “abnormally large” dwellings under civilian homes to even “surgically strike” a suspected domestic threat to the United States. And after its show of force this morning, the White House is finding old foes becoming new friends in its plan to expand domestic drone usage.
As morning breaks over the charred remains of what had been the staunchest Senator(s) to oppose presidential authority to use warrantless spy and attack drones on American citizens within U.S. borders, some former foes of what some called the “Obama drone program” found themselves reevaluating their position on the issue.
Said Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK), who would have perished in the unprecedented strike had he not been wooed away for budgetary talks with Mr. Obama at a local restaurant, “After seeing the fireball rising from the Senate from my home across the Potomac this morning, I’m beginning to have a more positive view of the President’s domestic drone program,” Coburn told reporters via phone interview early Thursday morning. “Maybe it’s for the best. Anyhow, knowing half my friends and colleagues evaporated tonight in the name of national security has got me thinking of supporting the President more. It’s been sort of persuasive.”
Coburn then hung up to frantically call the White House and request that the strange humming noise over his house “kindly go away.”
The stun and horror that the U.S.’s executive branch would destroy one of the nation’s most important branches of government, federal buildings, and not to mention a large portion of its senators (most of whom were Republicans) has sent shockwaves throughout the nation and will surely force civil liberties groups into the uneasy yet inescapable position of complying with the executive domestic drone program or risk being considered a “Debbie Downer” by the administration, like the now crispy Rand Paul.
Having been woken up in the early morning to be told of the executive-on-legislative strike, a livid Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann called reporters to formally state her revulsion at such a historic abuse of presidential power, proclaiming tearfully she would not be intimidated by an administration she had known had been “drunk on power, but now had become murderous with power,” even if it was conducted on fellow politicians.
Shouted an aghast Bachmann to reporters from her home outside Stillwater, Minnesota, “I guess presidents can kill whoever, wherever, whenever, just as long as it’s in the name of ‘national security’! This has to be stopped! We’ve got to stop this, not just because Obama is president, but for the sake of civil rights and democracy itself, no matter who is president! I just can’t believe this.”
Bachmann added, pausing to weep as she remembered her counterparts she had grown to love and respect from her seat in the House of Representatives. “Rand Paul was a great guy! He was just doing what he believed was best! Even (Dick) Durbin was always courteous and respectful. Tim Scott (R-SC), I was just getting to know, and Marco Rubio, I’ll never forget that night at the convention last year we spent toge…never mind.”
Continued Bachmann in a rage, “We’ve got to stop this madman (Obama)! We’ve got to stop this abuse of power! We’ve got to take back this country! We got to take… Wait, what’s that creepy humming above my house? What the hell is that weird noise? What is that (expletive) humming sound outside… Oh MY G…!”
Reporters have been unable to reestablish contact with Rep. Bachmann since 4:38 a.m., EST.