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‘eLEGAL’ IMMIGRATION: Republicans Propose Combining E-Verify with eHarmony


by Ledge Slater, official DP intern, stud

Thursday, March 14th, 2013,

(WASHINGTON) —As the rolodex of urgent national issues again rotates back to immigration reform, Senate Republicans have made a startling offer to help “sweeten” the Senate’s bi-partisan proposal in comparison to President Obama’s.

     Led by Senator Marco Rubio, who has become the face of a bi-partisan bill eventually granting amnesty to the nation’s estimated eleven to who-the-hell-really-knows-million-illegal immigrants, said at the Conservative Political Action Conference Thursday that in order for the Senate to compete with Obama’s proposals for immigration reform, the chamber was willing to do none other than combine E-Verify with eHarmony, merging the government’s on-line employee eligibility detector with the nation’s oldest on-line dating service.

    E-Verify has helped thousands of employers check the immigration status of their employees, while eHarmony has helped thousands of habitually single people (a.k.a. creeps) find the love of their lives.  Under the GOP’s proposals the two would be combined to form “eLEGAL,” which would provide illegal aliens facing deportation a chance to find true love among fellow deportees.  According to Rubio and colleagues, the proposal is more than humane, as well as a “sweetener” to steadfast resistance by the White House to Republicans’ solutions.

    “This proposal won’t end deportations, let’s make that clear,” said during his CPAC speech Thursday.   “All we’re saying is that for those immigrants who need to be deported and are single, they should at least be given the chance to find romance first.”

  “After all,” Rubio added, “if you’re going to be deported, shouldn’t you at least be deported with that ‘special someone’?

     And Rubio and Senate colleagues have the stats to back up the rationale behind “eLEGAL.”  A 2011 study of illegal immigrants by the Department of Homeland Security found that 89% of illegals entering the U.S. were single.   The study concluded that immigrants with spouses were less likely to leave their native countries and experienced more complications entering the U.S. unlawfully.

   “The stats are the stats, and we stand by those stats.  Statistically speaking, we have to,” according to Phillip Hoff, PhD, Director of the Department of Social Sciences at Texas A&M University. Hoff was instrumental in the government’s survey, and says the amount of “social and economic stability” among couples, particularly married couples, is not that different in other nations and leads to less “undocumented flight.”

   “Even if someone is in poor or in poverty,” said Dr. Hoff, “they’re less likely to leave their spouse or take actions that may lead to the separation of their romantic union. …Unlike with my ex-wife.  I would have broken into Hell itself to get away from that (deleted).”

    Hence it is theorized that if illegals are deported with, as Sen. Rubio put it, “that special someone” by their side, they would be less likely to reenter the U.S.

    Jorge Alvarez, a 28-year-old “undocumented resident” currently awaiting his third deportation to Guatemala while in Arizona’s infamous Maricopa County jail system, agrees with Rubio and fellow senators’ efforts to combine E-Verify and eHarmony.   Speaking through an interpreter and notorious pink underwear, Alvarez said his shackled trip home to Guatemala would be more pleasant if he had that “certain companion I can share my feelings about being a habitual illegal immigrant with, and about what music we like and favorite movies, best childhood memories, hobbies, fears…you know, our feelings.”

     Continued Alvarez, “You know, I could use a good match for the journey home with someone I can hold and love and connect to.  Someone with a vagina, preferably.”

   Alverez’s take on the possible creation of eLEGAL is common among undocumented residents awaiting deportation.   Like Alverez, Ivan Fernando is also facing deportation back to Mexico, yet remains alone romantically for his 67th trip home in less than five years. And Fernando’s take on eLEGAL is a little different than Alverez’s.  “Just as they’re saying there’s nothing like being deported with that ‘special someone,’ well I know there’s nothing like sneaking back in with that special someone, too.  Now that’s bonding,” said Fernando from his Texas holding cell.  “Bringing along a few kids you’ve had in the meantime would add to the romance, too.”

     The founder of eHarmony, Dr. Neil Warren, has not spoken publically yet about a possible merging of his online match-making empire with E-Verify.  Also silent have been the nation’s largest pro and anti-illegal immigration groups, which no doubt are still trying to overcome the initial shock of such a bizarre combination and formulate official statements.  But C. J. Czaia, chairman of Unidos Now, said that the name and purpose of “eLEGAL” is demeaning and misleading.

     Said Czaia to Duh Progressive, Thursday, “There is no ‘comfortable way’ to deport a human being who is just here looking to earn a living.  Even if the resident is lonely and looking for love, he or she should not have to be bribed with love or sex to get them to stay out of the country.”

     “And besides,” added Czaia, “having illegal immigrants be part of a program called ‘eLEGAL’ just makes them sound, well, illegal, as if there’s something wrong about crossing the border and staying in a country without ever respecting the laws that country has for doing so …Really,  even if I’m really horney..?”

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