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Colorado Lawmaker Now Suggesting Women Eat Chipotle to Prevent Rape

by D’Leereeus Johnson, DP staff,

Monday, March 25th, 2013,

(DENVER) —A Colorado lawmaker who apologized last month for suggesting women should use a whistle instead of a gun to ward off rapists is in hot water again.   Democrat state senator Joe Salazar said before the senate Monday he had been wrong for suggesting women’s best defense against rape was to carry a whistle to blow, although he maintained his anti-armed/gun stance, offering even more colorful prevention methods for women.

    “I admit, I was wrong about the whistle idea,” said Salazar.  “It’s really Chipotle that is the best defense against rape. …You try to rape a woman who’s been eating Chipotle and you’ll be in for one hell of a shock and regret…and mess!”

     Unsurprisingly, silence reigned throughout the senate chamber after Salazar’s “Chipotle rape prevention” suggestion.  Salazar, fearing he had perhaps again committed an anti-rape faux pas in the name of gun control tried to clarify his newest suggestion.  “…Okay, or maybe some extra-spicy Indian food…or some old-ass Taco Bell burrito women could carry around in their purse and eat real quick before being attacked.  Or at worst just squirt some Visine down your throat.”

    As senate colleagues still sat with mouths agape, Salazar continued, “We need to look at multiple steps women can take to fend off an attacker without the use of guns.  But I’m telling you, a quick downing of Chipotle will do the trick.” 

    The McDonald’s-owned Chipotle franchise has grown nationwide for people seeking quick servings of decent Mexican food at an affordable price.  Chipotle has also become the brunt of jokes about its food causing diarrhea and other gastrointestinal problems among unsuspecting consumers.

    Years ago Italian food was synonymous with uncontrollable flatulence and “solid” waste eruptions from one’s rectum, then Chinese food and the popular growth of sushi in the 1990s, followed by Indian food last decade. Now it is Chipotle that holds the unfortunate stereotype of wreaking havoc among consumers’ bowels, however the chain continues to grow in popularity.

   “These are certainly explosive suggestions,” said Republican state senator Bill Cadman.  “We all want women to protect themselves against rape.  But we still think carrying a firearm is the best defense for Colorado’s women, not carrying around some Chipotle burrito they’d have to wolf down in a second —literally a second— and pray it causes explosive diarrhea before her attacker has the chance to assault her.”

    Fellow Democrat and Senator Mary Hodge agreed with Sen. Cadman, criticizing Salazar yet again for “ridiculous, implausible” suggestions on how women can defend off a rapist without using a gun. Said an apparently….


BREAK: Duh Progressive has had to suspend writing this article due to some extra hot chili it ate at a Washington D.C. cigar bar.  We expect to be off the "throne" and back to coverage in a few minutes; no more than an hour, tops.  Thank you for your patience!  And yes, we’re serious.


   ...Said an apparently angry Hodge to Senator Salazar after the senate’s adjournment Monday, “So, Joe, let me get this straight: I’m walking out to my car late at night and am approached by a man that grabs me and begins assaulting me… You expect me to eat a red hot chili pepper Chipotle burrito in less than a second and then hope its effects hit me in time so I can uncontrollably excrete all over the guy, thereby warding him off and preventing a rape?  Are you serious?”

    Replied a nervous Salazar, “O-Okay then, how about Indian food or even some beans..?   Anything that would cause an explosion in ‘that area’ in short order, you know?”

     “Nonsense!” retorted Hodge. “Everyone knows that a milkshake made with curdled milk is the best defense against rapists. You’re suggestions are not only feckless, but are dangerous to Colorado’s women!”


“Explosive” Infighting Compounds Senator’s Pleas

     Among Salazar’s detractors are not only his fellow lawmakers, but the heads of various fast food chains (local, state, and national).   Said Huang Liu Chung, owner of Colorado’s largest Chinese take-out chain, Ming Dynasty Take-Out, to reporters Monday, “Senator Sarazar’s craims that eating a Chipotre mear in the moments before an attack wirr cause quick enough ‘expursions from arse’ to ward off a sex attacker are absurd and unfounded.  Anyone who’s ever eaten Ming Dynasty Take-Out know they wirr feer the effects within seconds!  We are the champions of uncontrorrable rectar expursions, and any woman who varues their safety knows it is Ming Dynasty they need to eat as they’re getting attacked, not this Chipotre crap!”

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   Added Chung, “Senator Sarazar is prooving he is just in the pocket of McDonards and Big Chipotre!”

   William C. Weldon, CEO of Johnson & Johnson, which owns Visine, also chimed in Monday with his input on Senator Salazar’s Chipotle suggestion.   Defending his product’s longtime reputation of causing involuntary diarrhea if ingested orally, Weldon issued a public statement condemning Salazar’s “Chipotle promotion,” saying that adding a few drops of Visine to any food would produce the effects Salazar hopes would ward off potential rapists.   “It is not just an old wives’ tale, but established fact,” said Weldon, “ingesting Visine will cause explosive gas and fecal matter in a way never conceived by the recipient or the person attacking him or her. It is Visine women should carry with them at all times to prevent rape, not spicy ethnic foods.”

   “That’s why we invented Visine in the first place,” Weldon added, “so people could play vicious pranks on each other by lacing each others’ food with it and causing uncontrollable diarrhea. Only years later did we discover it was also good at relieving dry, irritated eyes.”

    Some non-food providers are also offering other solutions to Sen. Salazar’s how-to-prevent-rape suggestions.   James Debney, CEO of the popular gun manufacturer Smith & Wesson was asked by reporters outside the company’s headquarters in Springfield, Massachusttes about the Salazar-Chipotle fray.   Commented Debney to Duh Progressive, “All these (food-diarrhea) suggestions are well and good.   But I’ve never have heard of a rapist being turned away by a woman who had just eaten bowel-relieving foods. They (women) can try it, or even the whistle thing if they want. But good luck.”

    Added Debney, “A woman can eat all these ‘explosive’ foods at once and Visine, but believe me, nothing can stop a rapist better than offering him a .357 Magnum for ‘dessert.’   Let your potential rapist dine on a .44 and see how it goes.  It’s always kinda hard to rape someone when half of your face and skull are missing…studies have shown.”      

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