Wednesday, April 3rd, 2013,
(ENTIRE UNITED STATES) —With just minutes remaining to seek adequate shelter before being obliterated by an incoming nuclear holocaust, the American people are choosing rather to remain above ground, hopelessly locked in the debate over gay marriage, according to sources moments ago.
About 30 minutes ago a barrage of nuclear missiles were launched from China, North Korea, Iran, and Russia at all major cities in the United States. An estimated 200 million Americans stand to be incinerated within the next half-hour and millions more are expected to die from radiation sickness in coming weeks as they and the Supreme Court (granted any of the Justices survive) weigh the legality of California’s Proposition 8 and the merits of homosexual matrimony.
With national annihilation only minutes away, President Obama broke into the nation’s airwaves moments ago and ordered all Americans to “find a mutually accommodating consensus on same-sex marriage as soon as possible and then seek (their) nearest fallout shelters or their nearest Unitarian chapel.”
“How can we hide from nuclear destruction when we can’t even hide from our own prejudices?” said U.S. General Gene Renuart, Commander of the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD). Renuart would usually be frantically ordering anti-missile-defense actions and an all-out counter strike on the nations which launched the pending missiles. However the NORDAD Commander shrugged off inclinations of defending America against a reported 150 nuclear missiles currently inbound, deciding rather to continue the on-going debate over same-sex marriage with Air Force colleagues and friends.
“To hell with nuclear war and genocide—marry us now!” said Lauren Baxter, a lesbian activist in St. Louis, MO. Baxter, 45, has been struggling for legal recognition of her union with her 10-year lover, Bernadette, since 2004, and refuses to budge towards any shelter before her union can be accepted by her fellow Americans.
Said Baxter to scrambling reporters, “I left my husband and three kids years ago to find my true self. Court after court has rejected my marriage to Bernadette. And now we’re suppose to forget how much we’ve struggled because of some stinking nuclear war?! Forget it! I’m not havin’ it!”
Nuclear War Sirens Annoy Americans Trapped in Gay Marriage Debate
With emergency alarms blaring throughout the United States and all airwaves clogged with instructions on how to avoid mass incineration, Americans have only expressed annoyance at either the inability to effectively discuss gay marriage through the screaming sirens and to call talk radio shows with their input on the gay marriage issue.
“Yeah, yeah…nuclear missiles, apocalypse, mass destruction, the fiery death of me and my children…you know, like, whatever,” said unimpressed New Yorker Eileen Burnhardt as she debated with a friend about whether homosexuals should be granted civil unions instead of all-out legal marriage status. New York state legalized same-sex marriage in 2011, a move that has left many New Yorkers able to face the any-moment-apocalypse with relief and good conscience.
With at least two 20-megaton warheads minutes away from detonating over New York, Burnhardt, 43, and other Big Apple residents are vowing not to seek shelter until the Supreme Court rules on “Prop 8” and the Defense of Marriage Act and the issue of gay marriage is settled nationwide.
Even in the rural hinterlands of the U.S., which stand to be wiped out in a blazing nuclear hell as well, Americans cannot stop the debate over same-sex marriage as their country faces extermination.
Said St. Louis Mayor Francis G. Slay to reporters minutes ago, “Yes, the national emergency alarms are going off and we all have only 15 minutes to live –but really, what am I suppose to tell Troy and Leonard who own that cute little bed-n-breakfast place on Penrose Street, that they may soon be turned to gay vapor not knowing if their love for each other was ever accepted by their fellow Americans..? I’m sorry, but this is one fight we cannot pause in finishing."
Nuclear Annihilation Threatening Americans’ Inane Obsessions
Although with studies showing most gays residing in America’s cities, and with those same cities now about to be vaporized, surviving Americans may be disappointed to live in a post-apocalyptic world without many gays, thus no same-sex marriage debate. And to some, that reality comes as hard as the blazing death from the sky any second.
“Not enough gays left alive to continue battling for gay marriage..? We’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” said Jarrett Barrios, President of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD). “For those few of us that live in sparsely populated areas, they may have to crawl out of the ashes tomorrow mutilated, half-melted, having their organs liquefying from radiation poisoning, and may have to keep up the right-to-marry struggle alone.”
Barrios added that he regretted not setting up a nationwide system that could allow surviving proponents of gay marriage to link up to continue their struggle after Armageddon.
Celebrity and lifelong gay marriage activist Barbara Streisand said to reporters moments ago that following the nuclear annihilation to come, Americans may have to carry on the same-sex marriage struggle, but only in spirit, as the nation’s gay population will largely be exterminated.
Said Streisand via phone interview, “There may be hardly any gays left after these missiles detonate…but our struggle will continue, no matter what."
Added Streisand, "Americans are a resilient and enduring people. I have no doubt we we’ll find another group of generally intelligent, artistic, eccentric people to become erroneously and needlessly obsessed with in no time.”