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Trayvon Martin Witness, Nabisco Team Up to Launch ‘‘Creepy-Ass Cracka’’ Crackers

Thursday, July 11th, 2013,

Joel Leggnut, DP staff

(SANFORD, FL) — “There’s no stopping what can’t be stopped!” says the villain from the 1990 horror film Predator II. The same could be said for the deal that was just announced today between Nabisco, the nation’s largest assorted snack producer, and Rachel Jeantel, the star witness for the prosecution in the George Zimmerman trial.

     Jeantel, 19, a longtime friend of Martin’s was the last person to speak with the 17-year-old the night he was shot by George Zimmerman, testified that moments before Martin and Zimmerman had their fatal encounter last year Martin told her he was being followed around by some “creepy-ass cracker” (Zimmerman).

     Jeantel’s “creepy-ass cracker” remark dominated coverage of the trial for the next few days, as commentators and legal experts discussed the “cultural divide” Martin’s phrase symbolized in America and pondered who was the first to bring up race in a contentious trial that is wrought with racial overtones.

   Regardless, Nabisco was quick to see great potential in Jeantel/Martin’s alleged description of George Zimmerman, entering into negotiations with Jeantel for the rights to be part of their new series of “CREEPY-ASS CRACKAZ” crackers. The negotiations reportedly took all of seven minutes.

   “Nabisco and its parent company, Mondelez International, are pleased to announce that due to the lovely Ms. Rachel Jeantel, that as of August 1 of this year, ‘Creepy-Ass Crackaz’ crackers will be hitting America’s grocery shelves and being enjoyed by millions,” read a press release by Nabisco’s Senior Vice President and Information Officer, Stephen Finnerty, Thursday.

   Continued Finnerty’s statement, “Ms. Jeantel has been an inspiration to millions of younger Americans of every color in shedding light on the vernacular of today’s youth. And there’s a market in that youth for Nabisco, Inc. We pride ourselves on being the first to take such avant-garde steps to reach out to not only people of similar demographics as Ms. Jeantel, but younger consumers everywhere.”

   Nabisco said its “CREEPY-ASS CRACKAZ” crackers will part of its Triscuits line, and already have several versions of them, according to the now cracker–cranking company. The crackers will come in various shapes of Caucasian and “White Hispanic” people, as well as shapes of objects such as guns, knives, genitalia, insects, and other objects people may find unsettling as edible.   But according to Rachel Jeantel’s attorney, Rod Vereen, that is precisely the creepy crackers’ selling point.

   “It’s unusual to buy a cracker shaped like a gun or a White guy or the ‘certain anatomy’ of a man, but that’s what will make CREEPY-ASS CRACKAZ so unique,” said Vereen, Thursday, after the announcement was made. “It’s such a strange concept that people will have to buy them just for the novelty. It’s brilliant!”

   Jeantel is expected to receive an initial payout of seven million dollars, along with 4% of all sales thereafter. Jeantel’s attorney also said that Jeantel has been kind enough to share her earnings with Trayvon Martin’s family, given that he and she were friends and that Martin is the one who originally said the term.

   When asked how Jeantel is planning on spending her new-found fortune, Vereen said, “Well, since I was her attorney who aided and advised her on this deal, Rachel will only end up receiving about two-thousand dollars when everything is said and done…before taxes. The rest of her seven million will go to ‘attorney upkeep.’ …But don’t worry, you how many trips to the salon you can get out of two-grand? At least five, maybe six! Trust me, Ms. Jeantel will be just fine with this outcome.”


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