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Last Living Resident of Chicago Succumbs to Gunshot Wounds



by D’Leereeus Johnson, DP staff

Tuesday, August 6th, 2013,

(CHICAGO) —The nation is reeling today from the tragic news that the last living resident of its third largest city, Chicago, died of gunshot wounds Tuesday night.  Thus, for the first time in American history, a major U.S. city is without a single living soul, and almost entirely due to homicide.  

   Randall Simms, 31, died in Chicago’s Our Holy Lady of Hopelessness Hospital shortly after midnight, Tuesday, according to reporters (not from Chicago).  His attending doctor and nurses, Dr. Amir Samadi, Grace Jenson, and Rosa Sanchez, died shortly before being able to save Simms, themselves having shot each other to death during  a heated argument over how many CC’s of blood were needed to save Simms’ life, after he was brought in at 12:03 AM suffering from a gunshot to the stomach.   His shooter, 24-year-old John Moore, had died in their exchange of fire hours before at the scene of their confrontation in Chicago’s notorious West Garfield Park neighborhood.

   Reporters from outside Chicago witnessed the tragic scene, as Simms called out for Dr. Samadi, who was lying dead in hallway 2-C, his body still warm.  “Doc?  Doctor?!  Somebody, please, help me!  I’m feelin’ pretty bad here. …I can’t see colors no more!  Everything looks orange! …Doc?! …Somebody..?!”

    The news that the city of Chicago no longer has any living residents is adding insult to injury following the fury over the acquittal of George Zimmerman in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin, who many believed was racially motivated.

   But in a case where national attention was paid to the race of Martin and Zimmerman, the complete self-annihilation of the city of Chicago by mainly young African-American men on themselves and the rest of the population has been largely unreported in comparison to the Zimmerman case.


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     As MSNBC’s Chris Hayes commented on the tragic news that the last living Chicagoan died overnight, “Chicago?  Chicago what?  What’s Chicago?  Never heard of it.”

   Jeff Gardere, a columnist and also a MSNBC contributor expressed on his website, Drjeffgardere.com, how sorry he was that the “boat of Chicago” had apparently sunk off the coast of Lake Michigan and what a tragedy it was that all on board the grand urban-themed cruise liner had apparently perished.

   “This is a mournful time for the nation,” wrote Gardere.  “Our prayers and hearts go out to those who were on the cruise ship Chicago and their families.”

   From his fortified Rockford estate, 90 miles outside of Chicago, where he “relocated” (i.e. fled) last year due to safety reasons, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emmanuel told reporters Tuesday that although tragic, he understood the likelihood of Chicago murdering itself out of existence years ago and tried everything he could to prevent such a tragedy.

   Lamented Mayor Emmanuel, “I demanded the highest vigilance among our police department to quell the homicides in Chicago, but apparently that has failed.  They (the police) were shot and murdered, too, either by criminals or each other, as is common in Chicago. …We did everything we could.  But hey, Chicago will be Chicago, you know?  That’s the Chicago way.  So in a weird sense, I’m proud.  I’m a proud Chicagoan, like so many others who had sense enough to escape while they could.”

   Added Emanuel, “And I’m sure those who last remaining Chicago residents who murdered themselves to extinction were proud too –proud to go out ‘the Chicago way’!”

   Former Chicago resident Marge Coleman, 54, said she and her family moved out of the city in 2009 to escape its violence.  Now learning that not one registered resident of the Windy City is alive, its streets desolate except for outside reporters who have descended upon the city to cover its apocalypse, Mrs. Coleman is saddened like the rest of the nation.  Yet like Mayor Emmanuel, Coleman is strangely proud the once great Midwestern metropolis has “gone out in this fashion.”

   “I thought this day would come,” said a doleful Coleman, wiping away tears.  “But now that every person in Chicago has murdered each other, I strangely feel more proud to be from Chicago than ever.  Hey, after all, this was the ‘Chicago way’.”

    Illinois National Guard units have been roaming the city, cleaning up remaining bodies, one of the first being that of poor Mr. Simms, his now bloated corpse removed from Our Holy Lady of Hopelessness Hospital by Corporals Don Mainer and Luis Maldonado of the Aurora–based National Guard, Joint Forces Medical Detachment Battalion (CR).

   Commented Cpl. Maldonado to reporters as he zipped up Simm’s oozing carcass in a body bag, “I was born in Archer Heights twenty-three years ago, but my family moved us out to Aurora in 2003.  And coming back here now for this…I mean, it’s awful, it’s heartbreaking, but at the same time pretty damn cool.  Think about it: a city where every citizen has murdered each other…into complete extermination?  C’mon…Chicago has truly gone out ‘the Chicago way’.”

   Although others in the country are not very “proud” at all that Chicago has finally succumbed and thereby lived up to its deadly image in some fatalistic, metaphysical sense.  Said columnist and Fox News contributor Juan Williams during a debate with former Fox News co-host Alan Colmes on the network’s America Live with Megyn Kelly show Tuesday, “Now this is what America –particularly African-Americans– should be really upset over.  Sure, we’re upset about the Zimmerman verdict and racial profiling, but a tragedy like this —the complete genocide through mutual homicide of a major city!— is what really should give us pause and make us step back and look at the real horrors that happen in America’s cities every day!”

     Williams was quickly interrupted by fellow liberal pundit Alan Colmes.  “…Come on Juan, you can’t be serious! Trayvon Martin was profiled, hunted down and murdered by a racist White Hispanic, and all you want to do is concentrate on how young Black men murder each other by the bushel every day throughout America.  My God, your priorities are so skewed.”

     “But the entire city of Chicago —almost three million people!— are dead, mainly due to homicide!” Williams shouted back.

     “That’s neither here nor there,” replied Colmes. “That’s water under the bridge.  It’s over.  The fact is that George Zimmerman was acquitted for the cold-blooded murder of Trayvon Martin.  He’s still on the streets and it’s an injustice to all.”


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