Sunday, September 15th, 2013,
(DAMASCUS) —Less than two days after State John Kerry announced that the U.S. had agreed to a Russian plan to force Syria to give up its chemical weapons and thus avert a military strike, the White House began bombarding the Assad regime with none other than the military’s most feared weapon of irresolution –the ATG Ambivalent Patriot Missile 3000 (series)!
Launched from the United States’ imposing warships, the U.S.S. Nuance, U.S.S. Ambiguity and the U.S.S. Libra, the missile “strikes” are being decried by the Assad regime as a blatant and unprovoked “stab in
the back” during a time when a peace deal has been all but sealed.
Said an enraged Syrian Foreign Minister Walid al-Muallem to reporters in Moscow, early Monday morning, “This is an outrage! The launching of these Ambivalent Patriot Missiles by the U.S. against (Syria) proves that it cannot be trusted even when it says it will agree to a peaceful resolution! This is a stab in the back not only to Syria but all those who favor peace! Thousands of our citizens stand to be possibly harmed, or maybe not, by these horrible weapons of incompetence!”
Al-Muallem’s condemnations ride on the fact that the U.S. ATG (Air-To-Ground) Ambivalent Patriot Missile 3000 is unique among its vast arsenal of weapons, in that its sole purpose when launched is to fly around its target aimlessly, deciding whether or not to strike it, or perhaps choose a different target, fly around a city threateningly, scaring the living daylights out of people, then turn and fly to God-knows where, sometimes returning for a possible strike against something it really has no longer any clue of, contemplates its entire purpose for flying, and eventually either falls harmlessly to the ground or flies to various locations such as vacation resorts, golf courses, or even Martha’s Vineyard for a little R&R. In fact, the only harm a U.S. Ambivalent Patriot Missile can inflict is by possibly landing accidently upon civilians or buildings after it simply gets tired, runs out of fuel and crashes, never daring to detonate.
The U.S. has currently over 200 Ambivalent Patriot Missiles buzzing over Damascus and other Assad-held regions of Syria, said Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel. And according to Hagel, their presence should be taken very seriously by the Assad regime.
“These newest in our series of Ambivalent Patriot Missiles are a force to be reckoned with on their own,” Hagel said at a press conference late Sunday evening. “They can fly around and look menacing, then turn around and look confused, misguided, apathetic, or even timid, but then return right back to looking menacing again, perhaps even deadly!”
Added Hagel, “The Assad regime should take note of (the Ambivalent Missiles’) intentions, regardless what they may be. Lord knows if I do!”
Syrian General Achmed Hadaad, commander of Damascus’ air defense forces says he fellow commanders in the nation’s capital had their terrified fingers on the triggers of their missile interceptors for hours as the dreaded Ambivalent Patriots flew over the city before finally asking themselves, “Just what the (expletive) are these things going to do?”
“I admit, I was scared shitless when I first saw them!” Hadaad told international reporters, Monday. “We didn’t know if these (missiles) were going to strike what or when, or if at all. And come to find out, they didn’t know, either. They just flew around, looking threatening, scaring us and our civilians. Then after we saw one of them calmly land in Tishreen Park and light up a Menthol cigarette and ask for a beer, we knew, ‘Oh, these are those U.S. Ambivalent Patriot Missiles of the Obama administration’s’, they look all scary and threatening, but really have no clue what they’re doing or know how to do it –totally incompetent as far as weapons go. …Quite a fitting ‘strike’ from America these days.”
“We took the rest of the day off after we realized what (the missiles) were,” continued Gen. Hadaad. “We just sat around and drank some tea, packed the bong, passed it around and watched the latest Duck Dynasty.”
Even the missiles themselves report not having enough courage, knowledge, or conviction to carry out their mission, Sunday. Said Ambivalent Patriot Missile #102-A4, launched from the warship U.S.S. Ambiguity after finally deciding to land harmlessly at the Anassa Hotel and Resort on the Greek coast of Cyprus, “Ya’ know, it was like, you know, like…shiiiiiit! Sheee-at..! I didn’t know what the (expletive) to do! My computer’s command said I was to destroy the Damascus Air Defense Command Center. I was all stoked for that! But then just a minute from target my system gave me a conflicting message: ‘…Oh, don’t bomb the ADCC, go to the army barracks in Al Messah instead…no, wait, just fly around and choose a target yourself… Actually, scratch that, go off and look like you’re going to bomb something until Russia’s Vladimir Putin scares you completely away from Syria altogether…or just go chill out somewhere and wait for further instru…’ …Jesus, it was infuriating..!”
Like many of the 200-plus Ambivalent Patriot 3000 missiles fired Sunday evening, #102-A4 finally got fed-up with all of the mixed signals it was receiving from its commanders on the U.S.S. Ambiguity (and the White House), and finally decided to just take a break and land itself on the plush beaches of Cyprus, where it claims it might go SCUBA diving tomorrow, or jet skiing, or fishing…but still isn’t certain on the matter.
Instances have even been reported of Syrians helping U.S. Ambivalent Missiles which have just given up and innocently landed, bewildered, insecure and unsure of what to do.
“If this were a person I’d swear it was suffering from Alzheimer’s Disease –it doesn’t know where to go or what to do at all!” said Kamille Jabar, a housewife of four children in rebel-held Raqqah in northern Syria. Ambivalent missile #35-B86 fell innocently in her family’s backyard early Monday, sweating, out of breath, and begging for food, water, and distinct finality on what the heck it was ever meant to do, if anything. Naturally the Jabar family, which is adamantly anti-Assad and pro-rebel did all it could to help the physically and psychologically exhausted missile.
“The poor eighteen-foot thing just dropped into our goats’ feeding pen early this morning and was asking all the same questions my grandma did before she passed –‘Where am I? Why am I here? What’s my mission?’ …Either that, or it was doing the best Admiral Stockdale impression by a piece of machinery I’ve ever seen,” said Mrs. Jabar.
The Jabars gave ATG missile #35-B86 food and water for the night and a nice refueling, courtesy of the al-Qaeda-friendly rebels in their area who were all too willing to help the piteous missile recover from a long night of meandering without any distinct purpose or meaning in life. Their local al-Qaeda affiliate rebels officially “took care” (over) the five-toned missile the next morning, promising it comfort, love…and much more.
“Don’t worry, dear Ambivalent Missile number 35-B86,” said local rebel commander Fizal al-Marwali, as he stood over the sighing explosive weapon of steal and wire, wiping its brow with sincere kindness and a very non-ambivalent grin. “…We’ll give you a ‘purpose.’ We’ll give you a mission, for sure. And don’t worry –it won’t be ambivalent…trust us.”