Monday, November 4th, 2013,
(WASHINGTON) — According to White House sources, Barack Obama was stunned and crestfallen over the weekend to learn that he is in fact the head of the United States’ executive branch of government; effectively making him something Americans have come to call “president”.
Obama, the man who claims to not know a thing about the terrorist threats in Benghazi before the U.S. consulate attack, nothing about the IRS’s harassment of conservative-leaning political groups, nothing about his signature healthcare overhaul leading to millions of people losing their jobs and current insurance plans, who knew nothing about Healthcare.gov being a completely dysfunctional embarrassment, who didn’t know about the Affordable Care Act causing Americans premiums to explode, who knew nothing about the National Security Agency’s ramped domestic spying, who knows nothing about the nearly 1,000 civilians who have been killed in his targeted drone strikes, who knew nothing of the NSA’s spying on close U.S. allies now has admitted to why he knows so little about the mammoth country he oversees —he didn’t know he was overseeing it!
Last week’s revelation the U.S. had been spying on top European allies such as France and Germany set Obama into a tailspin of confusion and questioning, according to White House sources, leading to the Commander-in-Chief’s discovery that he is the President of the United States on Saturday, and that by definition places him in a great state of responsibility for the actions taken by his branch of the federal government.
“I mean, I knew I was in a position of high importance, but not like THE President and all. I'm just as shocked as you all!” said the President to reporters in the White House’s Rose Garden, Monday. “…A lot of people have been wondering how all these scandals and things could be happening under my watch and I not know about it…” Obama said. “Well, when you don’t know you’re in charge of all these agencies and people, how can you? Think about it. It’s not my fault.”
According to the nation’s Chief Executive, Obama was simply running around the country talking about its problems five years ago when after the first Tuesday in November he was told my “armed men in dark suits and with earphones” that he and his family had to pack their belongings and move into a big white house at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, in Washington D.C.
“They just came and said we had to move to D.C. and leave Chicago,” said a befuddled Obama, Monday, glancing curiously around the historic mansion he’s lived in since January of 2009.
“Then I start having to meet daily with people asking me favors and talking about all these things pertaining to the country and waiting on me and I was like, ‘Wow, this is really cool.’ I got to travel and give more speeches and play golf a lot. I met with world leaders and had armed men protecting me around the clock. But still, I didn’t know I was president.”
The President assured reporters he and his staff were beginning their search for who was responsible for allowing him to be in such an immense position of power and not know of it, let alone know the consequences of any of his actions while being president or the actions of any of his subordinates.
“Mr. President, I'm sorry, but it seems a lot for a man in your position to not know he was in it until now,” said Jessica Yellin, CNN’s White House correspondent.
“I couldn’t agree more, Jessica,” Obama cordially responded. “And a lot has gone on during my administration that I’m just finding out. When someone is president, they need to know about it! But I didn’t know. No one told me. And we’re working tirelessly to find out who should have told me who I was and when! …But as of right now, you all can take comfort, because I know that I am one-hundred-percent certain that I am not sure.”