by Denise Half-Black-Half-White-Non-Biased-Female, DP staff,
Tuesday, September 23, 2014,
(BOSTON) —Following in the footsteps of Ohio State University's newly adapted "Kissing Codes", which were in-part a response to the recent revelations of ramped domestic abuse scandals that have rocked the National Football League, Boston University has thrown its hat in the snowballing reaction to the issue of domestic violence, and broken new ground (and controversy) in the process.
As of October 1st, all male students of Boston University must not only ask for permission to kiss a female (or male, you never know) and tell her why he is kissing her (or him!), and even more enter into the act of sexual intercourse, but now must ask during intercourse if the female (or male...you can't make assumptions now!) will agree to accept each and every thrust he makes into her during intercourse.
Such monumental and never before heard of "Entrance Etiquette", as university officials are titling it, are to assure both female students (or male, again, you never can tell) that they and their daughters are willing and agreeing partners to and with each and every slam and slip, slide; every plunge of their sons' one-eyed, purple-faced phallus into his lover, be it an established relationship or just a drunken, yet albeit consenting "hook-up".
"Due to the recent, but unfortunately long−ignored public concentration and outrage over the domestic abuses of NFL players, which is indicative of domestic abuse everywhere in American society, and the issue of domestic violence, Boston University has taken the courageous steps to ensure that not only the initial induction into the sexual act be officially agreed upon and defined as to purpose by those engaging in it, but that every step, every touch and feel and grope, and individual thrust of the peni into the vagina is verified and agreed upon by the female...or male, you can't be too sure," said Boston University Provost Dr. Jean Morrison in a press release Tuesday.
Dr. Morrison contends that in even in the midst of the throws of sober and/or intoxicated passion, female students of Boston University (or male!..You never can be certain these days) must openly, verbally, accept each of her partner's thrust of his penis. Such are "the standards" of a "progressive, safe and accepting environment" according to Dr. Morrison. Far too long, claims Morrison, women (or men, too, don't forget!) have been subjected to sexual interludes and in the middle of them have thought: "...What?! What the hell am I doing with guy inside me? Man, he's horrible! ...God, I wish we'd never started this!"
"Look, we've all been 'there'", said Dr. Morrison in an interview with Duh Progressive Tuesday. "We've (women....or men, you never know!) have been subjected to so much bad sex over the years, Latino lovers notwithstanding, that we finally should be able to stop our partners between every thrust during sex, and verify if they are caring or conscious enough to proceed with the next thrust into our bodies. My God, how many times has a woman just simply wanted to say in the middle of sex: 'Look, I appreciate your heartfelt effort, but like, you're just not doing the job, okay? ...Let's just turn on Netflix and look at some old Sex and the City reruns. ...With each thrust I become more and more bored, and just like, want to call it quits, you know? ...My God, you're so bad at this!'"
Some students have already tried practicing the pending codes of "Entrance Etiquette", and have failed to produce any increase in sexual pleasure, or any positive results of any sort.
Junior microbiology major Max Perez, 22, and his girlfriend, sophomore Marcy DiSantis, 20, said their experiences with thrust-per-thrust agreement during sex proved to be "not very romantic", and made their usual evening love-making last 14-hours longer than its usual 15 minutes. Perez said it was difficult to maintain an erection while having to verbally get permission from Marcy to reenter her between each withdraw of his "member" (it takes an average of 2 to 490 thrusts for a man to achieve orgasm during sex).
Said a visibly disgruntled DiSantis to reporters, Tuesday, "We stayed up all night and today. I missed all my classes today, and quite frankly I don't even know what day it is anymore... All I remember doing is having to say 'Yes, you can enter me again... Yes, you can enter me again... Yeah, enter.... Yeah, Max, you can reenter me...Yes, go on' ...I mean, it just was so laborious and tedious and by the end of our love making I felt empty, joyless, numb, cold, and not to mention 'dry as a bone' you-know-where."
Added DiSantis, "Honestly, I don't know if I can ever make love with anyone ever again now —at all. I think that was the whole point in (Boston University's "Entrance Etiquette" codes)...to deprive people of pleasure. Withered, old, hippie has-been losers trying to make younger peoples' lives miserable so they can feel that they've accomplished something to make themselves feel better about their own dwindling existence. Like, gee, Max and I are so grateful to be pawns of some dragged gaggle of washed up, wrinkled old 'social justice warriors' self-projection; their sense of eternal futility and pending physical demise —thank God!— inflicted on us, like we're a conduit for their endless quest to relive their younger years of once-justified, societal reconstruction. God, I wanna just puke!"
"Oh, excuse me," DiSantis added, "did I just mention 'God'? Is that still permissible on campus...? Or should I, uhh, re-enter that statement?"
Despite the occasional naysayers like Perez and DiSantis, Provost Morrison sees a positive outcome in the long-run to the policy of female students (or male...you never...okay, you get it) giving permission for each thrust during sex.
Said Morrison, Tuesday, "If we cannot overreact to events in our society (the recent NFL domestic abuse scandals) that have nothing to do with people and the context completely different from that which we are overreacting, then what is the sense of reacting at all? To not overreact and make innocent people suffer due to events they had nothing to do with would be a failure on our part as academic administrators."
But Robert A. Brown, President of Boston University does not share Dr. Morrison's enthusiasm with the new verbal "Entrance Etiquette" codes. Brown says he finds the "thrust-by-thrust" permission rules to be "silly" and need to be done away with. Said Brown to Duh Progressive in a phone interview Tuesday, "This whole policy of making a female —or male...you never know these days— verballly consenting to each thrust of their lover's penises into them is bizarre and counter-productive, to put it lightly. It's just plain silly. ...That is why I am introducing an amendment to the Student Council and the university that would make every lover have to actually sign a written waiver permitting each time they wish to have penises enter and reenter them, because verbal agreements are such a 'thing of the past'. We're progressives, we can do better!"
Added Brown, "...Or men...you never know these days...".