by Jack Lakeman, DP Editor-In-Chief
Thursday, November 6, 2014,
(HOLLYWOOD, FL) —Licking her party's gaping wounds in the aftermath of Tuesday's mid-term elections, Democrat National Committee Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz pronounced Thursday that the Democrat's resounding defeat on Tuesday night is all the more proof that "more deceased Americans need their voices heard".
Said Wasserman Schultz (D-FL #23) to reporters in her home district in Hollywood, Florida, Thursday, "This 'supposed victory' by the Republicans (Tuesday night) just proves more of how they have been able to win by disenfranchising 'certain voters'. That is to say 'voters' who are no longer among us mortals, or ambulatory, or able to speak or move, and probably smell awfully bad. In other words —dead. ...But I'm not trying to stereotype here.''
Continued DNC Chairwoman Schultz, "We've all heard the stories of people without any identification, and people who 'allegedly' shouldn't be voting because they're not actually identified as 'citizens', and that also includes the deceased. Those people of 'yester-life' that have not been given the chance to vote due to their physical impediments, as in to walk, or stand, or breath, or move, or to...uhh...you know...smell good and all, and even be able to speak or do anything other than lay around and decay!"
"Well, I tell you this, my fellow Americans," continued Schultz, "these so-called 'non-ambulatory, or 'non-breathing' ...or 'non-moving'...or so-called 'dead' people we once knew as our parents or grandparents or in-laws or friends or whatever; these formal mortals deserve every other right to vote as their contemporary 'living' counterparts! Anything else just wouldn't be fair! ...And so I must protest, on behalf of the Democratic National Committee, for the ancestors of these former Demo....ummm... 'voters' to be allowed a say in future elections, especially those where past Democratic voters came out in droves, not matter what."
Added DNC Chair Schultz to increasingly stunned reporters, Thursday, "We all know who are ancestors were like. And they know doubt would have voted like us! And they're anguishing in the 'beyond' to see us do this... That's why we should make deceased people have their voices heard, too! ...Americans' ancestors who they recall....or recall being told of, should still have their (Democratic) voices heard."
Astonished reporters stood in sublime puzzlement as the Chair of the nations' Democratic National Committee spouted on: "Dead people, who were of one political party or another, but especially Democrats, they need to have their voices heard, too... Just think about those who gave their lives in World War III, in World War II and one (I), and in the Civil War... Just think how they feel right now knowing their voices aren't being heard in Tuesday's elections of all the so-called 'mortal Americans' are shaping. It's disrespectful to their memories and to us personally, as well as a nation, a people."
"This is our ancestors' heritage, their legacy we're talking about! It's not to be taken lightly!" continued a red-faced, steaming Debbie Wasserman Schultz. "...How can we disrespect our former loved ones who once voted Democr...sorry voted— without encompassing what we know who they would have voted for, if they still had the ability to do so."
When asked by the Associated Press and Duh Progressive reporters how, if, and why dead Americans' votes should be counted in any election, lest of which one that did not bear her party well, Democratic Committee Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz responded: "Look...think of your grandparents who voted for FDR, and the women's suffrage movement that propelled your great-grandmother to vote for the first Democrat, Andrew Jackson.... Would it not be a shame to tell all those folks who've toiled and fought and bled for this country that their voices, their votes, would simply be a whisper unto history. Really? Really?! ...C'mon, America, we can do better than this. It's time to let our ancestors' voices be heard —ancestors, 2016, that's what I'm sayin'!"
Unexpectedly (and surprisingly) objecting to Democratic Committee Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz's pushing for "deceased Americans" to "have their voices heard" in America's electorate, on behalf of their Democr...sorry, "non-partisan electorate"... Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel refuted his fellow party head and chief Thursday, saying that Wasserman Schultz (D-FL-23) was mistaken in her drive to make "deceased American voices" counted for in contemporary U.S. elections.
"I agree with (Wasserman Schultz's) basic premise, but it's deeply flawed, from what I've heard," said Emanuel, Thursday. "...It doesn't take into account the relatives of deceased voters who are also dead. Any reputable polling place in Chicago has not only accepted votes from living people's dead relatives, but we have demanded —it's a time-in-memoriam-thing here, really— the dead, or 'ghost voters' bring along their ghost relatives, their dead friends, their dead friends' relatives, and their dead friends' relatives friends...or else!"
Added Emanuel, "We make sure we get 'em all. The matter of one's mortality should not be a reason to keep them out of our voting process. That'd be discriminatory. This isn't 1950 Mississippi, you know. ...And if dead voters don't show up with their friends and relatives, we simply send up a 'ghost poll worker' to make them 'more enthused' to have their dead voices heard, usually with a lead pipe and pair of pliers."