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Funeral Arrangements Underway for Mayor of Baltimore’s Political Career

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 by D’Leereeus Johnson, DP Assistant Editor

Sunday, May 3, 2015

(BALTIMORE)  —As the city of Baltimore begins healing from riots that occurred following the suspicious death of 25-year-old Freddie Gray after he was being arrested by police, new funeral arrangements are underway, but not for Grey or any victim of the riots, but for the political career of Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake.

      In a statement from the mayor’s office Sunday, the city that has been the epicenter of the racial-charged, anti-police violence around America announced that the Baltimore mayor who notoriously ordered her police force during the worst of the riots to “stand down” and let the looters loot because “it’s only property” and allowed 200 business businesses to be destroyed or damaged, will formally have her political career laid to rest Wednesday, May the 6th.

     Rawlings-Blake was appointed mayor of the notoriously sleepy, non-violent and completely incorruptible city of Baltimore following the resignation of its first female mayor, Sheila Dixon, after her conviction on embezzlement.   Mayor Rawlings-Blake had campaigned on drastically increasing the amount of jobs in the city, revitalizing Baltimore’s business community and adding 10,000 families during her first full tenure as mayor, all while reducing its 16,000 abandoned buildings, too.   But as the western neighborhoods of Baltimore were destroyed throughout April 25 —April 29, the mayor was quoted saying the rioters ‘needed some space to destroy’ and ‘let them loot, it’s only property’ by fellow law enforcement officers in riot gear, including those who had come into Baltimore to help the BPD with the growing violence.  They also attest to hearing the now infamous orders from the mayor’s office to ‘stand down’ and let the looters further turn the already the giant, 50-year-old-Democrat-run turd that is west Baltimore into a flaming, smoldering turd for all the world to see.   

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      “The mayor wishes to thank all of those who have supported her over the years, and who wish her luck in the ‘afterlife’ her political career has entered now that she has made an undoubtedly 

and completely assembled moron of herself...the ‘Superwoman of Executive Stupidity’, if you will, in terms of moral decisions and those to be made by an executive official in times of crisis,” said 

the mayor’s Director of Strategic Planning and Policy, Howard Libit, to The Baltimore Sun, Sunday.

      Director Libit added, “Whether or not Mayor Rawlings-Blake attempts to run for re-election, if indeed she wishes to conduct such a laughable spectacle, or if she decides to step down from office following this internationally viewed debacle she presided over...or if she even chooses to do what the ancient senators and Samurai used to do after committing such a disgraceful blunder and take her own life —actual life, I mean— out of honor, that will be a decision Ms. Rawlings-Blake will have to make herself.   But as of now, no one, no sane person can expect her to win re-election, hence why we are burying her official Political Future Wednesday.  ...We asked the family of Freddie Gray if the mayor’s political future could be buried next to his physical grave, and they were highly insulted.” 

     The funeral procession for Rawlings-Blake’s political career is set to begin at the mayor’s office on 100 Holliday Street at 1:00 and proceed east, north of Canton, and be laid to rest in the Our Lady of the Holy Dumbass Cemetery at 2:30.   The mayor has already decided to forget about asking for a police escort.

      Maryland’s Wicomico County Sheriff Mike Lewis is not mincing his words or holding them back when it comes to what the physical Stephanie Rawlings-Blake should do with herself following the 

now official death of her political career.   With a mayor of a major U.S. city that was willing to let so many businesses and lives and reputation to literally go up in flames, Sheriff Lewis believes Mayor Rawlings-Blake should do the most honorable thing, and commit “seppuku”, or “hara-kiri”, in which Samurai warriors and those of other cultures disembowel themselves after having done things so disatsrously-politized or just stupid beyond belief than to allow a large portion of one’s people and city to destroy themselves, and render their communities as kryptonite to future investors, decent residents, businesses, and good schools. 

       “I got this old sword my great-great-grandpa used in the cavalry during the Civil War, still sharp as a razor... Ms. Blake can always use that to disembowel herself.   It’d be an honor to me and police officers everywhere,”  said Sheriff Lewis, who now famously said that he was “sickened”  by Mayor Rawlings-Blake to “stand-down” and let the rioters destroy the city when there were plenty enough police available to disperse and arrest them throughout the ordeal.   “...Hell,” added the sheriff, “if she chickens-out at the last minute, I’ll do it for her!  Trust me, I’ll be doing it on behalf of thousands of cops around the country who’d like to do it, too, no matter if they’re they white, black, Latino, whatever.”

     However the Reverend Al Sharpton thinks Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake’s political career is being laid to rest much prematurely.  Rev. Sharpton told The Baltimore Sun that he believes the embattled mayor acted “humanely and with bravery” to let her city be burnt down and further turned into a worthless, uninhabitable cesspool only to further drive out white people and middle-class families of all colors who could have brought real hope and change to the city.  

      Sharpton even said he believes Rawlings-Blake would make a great presidential one day.  “If she can do these wonders for her city, then just think what she can do for all the cities all over the nation!   If African-Americans living in cities all over the country think they’re lives have improved since the Great Society and since President Obama, then let’s just see how much of a stellar job a President Rawlings-Blake will do for them!   ‘Stephanie Rawlings-Blake 2016’ is what I’m saying’.   ‘If Ya’ Ain’t For Blake You Just a Fake!’  YEAH!   Bring it on!”

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