Sunday, December 25th, 2011
(EARTH, UNIVERSE) —Centuries of Christmas tradition were obtusely combined with modern environmentalism Christmas Eve, leaving the world’s naughty children finding more “eco-friendly” trinkets in place of Santa’s usual lumps of coal.
Santa Claus, responding to growing fears over global warming, expressed his displeasure at the Earth’s naughty population by leaving “clean energy items” awkwardly stuffed in their stockings. With coal now considered a dirty fossil fuel, Santa’s choices for naughty recipients were corn, solar panels, pounds of used restaurant grease, and even more spectacularly, windmills, leaving the world’s wicked waking Christmas morning with entire 200-plus-foot windmills “attempted” to be stuffed in their stockings.
Santa reportedly did his best to stuff the giant clean-energy monsters into the naughties’ stockings, but succeeded only in destroying homes; leaving giant windmills precariously impaled through roofs; peppering the world with towering “clean” reminders of who made 2011’s naughty list.
Now embarked on his yearly post-Christmas tour of the backstreets of Bangkok, Saint Nicholas issued a press release Christmas day, explaining his switch from the carbon-based fossil fuel source to cleaner, more efficient symbols of displeasure.
“The world is coming to a consensus on the need to cut back on carbon emissions….I felt that leaving lumps of coal for those boys and girls who have been naughty no longer sent a good message,” stated Claus. “But the naughty still had to know they had been naughty. So I switched from coal to more enviro-friendly methods. But a stocking full of corn or restaurant grease can still be as disappointing as coal. Trust me, if I were a kid and found a solar panel in my stocking, I’d be really pissed.”
And pissed people are...
“This is horrible! Oh my God! Look at what this bastard left!” screamed a furious Bridgette Marshal from the front lawn of her home in Anamosa, Iowa. Although admitting her son, Brian, 9, had indeed been naughty this year, Marshal said a simple lump of coal would have been a God-sent compared to the estimated $50,000 in damages left by the hulking 200-foot windmill now protruding from her roof.
“My family could’ve been killed!” continued the 41-year-old systems analyst. “It happened about 3:00 last night!” We heard some bells jingling, a ‘Ho-Ho-Ho!,’ and then ‘BAM!’ this (expletive) thing comes through the roof!”
The stocking for which the windmill was intended was crushed beneath the windmill’s massive base, now resting in the family’s living room. It destroyed an ottoman, plasma TV, windows, walls, plumbing, floor tiles, jolted the house from its foundation, and pulverized family heirlooms. “Because of Santa’s ‘eco-friendliness’ our home is destroyed!” cried Marshal in her husband’s arms.
Others who failed to live up to Santa’s standards this year woke to find their stockings bursting open with solar panels, maze, and soaked with reeking, putrid restaurant cooking grease, sometimes reused dozens of times before being discarded. Reports of stockings stuffed with the new “eco-friendly tokens of discontent” are emerging from London, Athens, Toronto, Berlin, Moscow, Jerusalem, Johannesburg, and Paris (where it has been confirmed that at least one out of the city’s two remaining Christians had been naughty).
Said a distraught Suri Yanduri, a Jordanian Christian from her home in Fuheis, “Our kids have been acting up in school and letting their grades fall this year, but we don’t see why that’s an excuse to dump a gallon of cooking grease into their stockings. It’s all over our floor –this (expletive) new carpet we just got put in! We’ll never get this smell out! And the stains: who’s going to pay to clean this shit?!”
Who will pay for the cleanup..? Not Santa, according to his press statement. “I know some of what I left in place of my coal lumps is harder to remove than coal,” said the ancient saint. “But when removed you can do so much better with it. The corn can be turned to ethanol; the solar panels can be put on a family’s roof to help power lights; the cooking grease can be converted to petrol for your car; and the windmills, well, just think about it!...I’ve done the world a huge favor, if you ask me.”
However naughty people around the globe do not appear too gracious this Christmas Day. Already there is an internet petition circulating, demanding Santa switch back to leaving easily disposable, light-weight lumps of coal for naughty people, instead of substances which ruin stockings and entire homes alike.
Online petition signer, 8-year-old Peter MacCavoy, of Chicago, said to reporters Saturday, “I never thought I’d miss the lump of coal. I didn’t want to be naughty enough to deserve the coal. But I’d love the coal now, not this grease all over mommy’s floor that smells like the Devil’s farts!”
“That stocking was handmade by my grandmother,” said Peter’s mother, Janet, sobbing. According to MacCavoy, the stocking now hopelessly drenched in Taco Bell grease had been used every Christmas since 1941; an irreplaceable heirloom destroyed by Santa's humble, eco-friendly intentions.
Santa’s top reindeer, the red-nosed ‘Mohammad al-Rudolfi’ (formerly known as ‘Rudolph’), said that if the world’s naughty Christians do not like the more eco-friendly Santa, they are more than welcome to join other religions, namely his.
Said al-Rudolfi to reporters Saturday, “Allah, in His omnipotent wisdom, understands the frustrations of those who would have otherwise received a lump of coal this Christmas. While no one should be naughty, replacing coal with this year’s items is causing quite a stir, and Allah is willing to listen and welcome those frustrated with open arms. Allahu Akbar!”
Thank you all for a great, snarky, and fun year and have a very Merry Christmas!