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mentaires.info Boehner Vows New Congress Will Not Be Corrupted By.....Hey! Free Super Bowl Club Seat Tickets!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
(WASHINGTON)—Trying to return to both work and normalcy in aftermath of the Tucson tragedy, newly elected House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) got down to business Thursday by reaffirming the new congress will not bow to corruption like previous…Wait, Super Bowl XLV tickets? Holy ass!
Speaking to Capitol Hill reporters Thursday morning, Speaker Boehner reaffirmed the new House of Representative’s vow not to be influenced by the underhanded luxuries or dubious deals from special interests groups, even as staffers handed him an envelope containing mysteriously appearing Super Bowl club seat tickets on behalf of the American Auto Workers Union, to which Boehner cried out in glee, “What? Free Super Bowl club seat tickets?! This is a God-send!”
New members of congress are seconding Boehner’s vow, promising a new day of unadulterated representation of, for, and by the people. 
Said newly sworn Congressman Allen West (R–FL) from the driver's seat of his new Rolls Royce Wednesday, “I would like to humbly thank the people of Florida’s twenty-second district for allowing me to fight for them in Washington, and to Chairman Hu Jintao for this, uhh, umm, very comfortable new automobile, which I will no doubt be driving for the, umm, uhh, rest of, uhh, my life. Yes.”
Newly sworn Senator Rand Paul (R–KY) was also quick to declare the end of the days of special interest corruption. Stated Sen. Paul to Capitol reporters after last Wednesday’s swearing in, “It is an honor to be here finally, where American honor will be restored, and amidst all this organic hummus –all 3.8 tons of which the good people at PETA have delivered to me and my staff to enjoy for the next quarter century. How they knew I was such a crushed chickpea connoisseur, I don’t know.”
Dems: New House Getting the Hang of It
Not surprising to many DC insiders, former and remaining Democrat representatives are cheering the new members’ inexplicable happenstance upon luxury and bizarre gifts as a great step towards coming into the Washington fold.
“They’re learning just how grueling true representation of their constituents can be, even quicker than we did,” said former Democrat House member Alan Grayson (D–FL) Wednesday from his yacht, Our Lady of the House of Saud, off St. Augustine, FL. “These young bloods have to realize what their people really want and how to make their desires come true. My people, through some spectacular collective osmosis, told me they wanted me to be out on this yacht with an elaborate, twenty-member Arabian harem. It was totally their will. Why we’re more indebted to the Saudis today than ever is beyond me.”
“True Representation” Has Bi-Partisan Support
Former Democrat representatives are not the only ones egging on the outpours of miraculously materializing gifts and personal business deals for Congress’ new members. Some current GOP representatives are also lending their words of wisdom to the new freshmen. South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham said Thursday that it is a tough job reflecting the people’s desires, even when that desire means free lifetime tickets to all Mixed Martial Arts championship events.
According to Graham, “The gracious people of South Carolina, in lockstep with those of the United International Illegal Alien League have always known my heart lies with them. And lies with them. I doubt South Carolinians could tolerate not having me attend each MMA championship match for free, courtesy of the IIAA and the National Council of La Raza , not to mention how my strapping, young, live-in house servant, Juan, —hopelessly shirtless— has been able to elude INS and ICE officials for years. That’s been nothing but the dictates of my constituents, too. They’re amazingly insightful.”
It is a matter of “elaborate intuition,” said Graham, to precisely know the wants of Congressperson’s constituents, further explaining such things as international energy deals routinely made to precisely include a representative’s CEO relatives in on multi-million dollar payouts; funneling secret dividends into top campaign contributors’ Swiss bank accounts; passing legislation designed at placating a certain ethnic group’s estimated 12 to 20 million illegally residing relatives, and giving national investment fund executives advanced notice of government crackdowns.
The peoples’ will could never be more accurately estimated, according to Graham.
“I have no doubt the average American will be better reflected more now than ever,” added Graham Wednesday. “The people demanded General Motors pay for my brother-in-law to be set up in that Chicago penthouse, and who am I to deny their will?”
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