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COMMENTARY: ''My Grieving Process Is Still Bigger Than Your Grieving Process''


I know it has been a while since I last wrote, but that doesn’t mean I have stopped grieving.

I also know this is the Holiday season and a time for goodwill and cheer; a time to look at the brighter side of life and appreciate the blessings (or not, for those of the non-faith community) we have.   However, there are many in the world who get depressed during the holidays. They look around at everyone else being so appreciative and gleeful, while they are not, and see all the pain, poverty and oppression still remaining in the world.

So therefore I have no other choice but to continue grieving. I am still grieving, and I find it offensive that many of you out there aren’t grieving as heavily as me. But rest assured, fellow grievers, my grieving process is still so much bigger than everyone else’s grieving process.

If you’re even attempting to compare your grieving process to mine, you’ll lose. I grieve and grieve and grieve so much more than anyone I know or have seen on daytime television.  My grieving process has caused me to miss work, and miss work for at least six years. And now, with Christmas upon us, I’ve been plunged even deeper into my grieving process.  My grieving process is so big –it’s bigger than ever!  I grieve, and grieve, and grieve..!

My enormous grieving process began seven years ago, with the death of my younger niece, Anna.  She developed complications after her second botox injection at age 14 and never recovered.  That led me to grieve.  Others in my family were beginning to cope with Anna’s death after a few years  –returning to work, eating regularly, sleeping soundly, and regaining normal attitudes.  How insensitive!  How mean-spirited! And I, for one, can’t stand by while others go one about their lives, completely ignoring the pain and suffering of the dead.

How can I be a friend and relative of people so insensitive?!   People should grieve, and grieve ceaselessly.

Not only did I realize then that my family was massively insensitive, but my friends, their families, their families’ friends, my town, my state and the entire country (and indeed, the nation) were totally self-absorbed and insensitive.  No one has ever paid the deceased, poor and imprisoned their fair share of grief. But I refuse to continue this callous trend, particularly in December.  I will continue to grieve and grieve, and there will be no stopping my grief, or the time I take off work or leave my two kids on extended visitations with their father while I remain perched atop this giant Redwood tree with all my Sigur Ros albums, still trying to come to grips with all the death and misery in this world.

The rest of America can go about living as if everything is normal and enjoy their Christmases, Hanukkahs, Kwanzass, Al- Hijra/Muharrams, and Bodhi Days, but that is heartless and disrespectful to us grievers.  One day we will be in front of God, and She will be asking how have we honored the dead, poor and oppressed, and I may be the only one I know who can answer that ultimate question nobly.  My grieving process is bigger than your grieving process, hands down. …Y—Yeah, that’s right, you should feel guilty!

Merry Christmas!

-Carol McIntyre,

Professional Poet, Griever

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