President Bush, you should be ashamed of yourself!
How dare you sit there years after scaring the bejeebers out of those terrorists by waterboarding them and proclaim that you were just doing what was “right” and what would “protect the country?” Have you no shame, sir?
Your new book, Decision Points, came out this week and all we’ve been hearing about is how you personally ordered the ruination of America’s impeccable, squeaky-clean image abroad with your damn barbaric waterboarding. Needless to say, Mr. President, your book does nothing to help your image in the world community, and the U.S. is now hated more than ever. With all of the carnage, hatred, violence, war, genocide and oppression in the world before 9/11, you just had to add to it by ordering a reportedly 30-to-60 second drowning simulation practice that inflicts no injuries or death, didn’t you, sir? Yeah, great job at promoting world peace and security, Mr. Bush… And I bet you guys didn’t get a single scrap of useful information out of it, did ya’? You should just be ashamed, utterly ashamed, I say!
Just think how much more danger America would be in right now if we had already been waterboarding captured and suspected terrorists before I ended up in a molten, obliterated 16-acre pile of ruins in southern Manhattan. It is a pretty terrifying thought, isn’t it? But what’s more terrifying are those children of that mastermind behind this attack, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed… Just think what his wives and kids have been saying since learning about his forced rendezvous with a gallon of Aquafina. I bet they’ve been turned off from ever drinking water again! In fact, what has his whole village or country been saying about us since learning about what you did in the name of preventing more people from smoldering under 500,000 tons of steel and concrete? I bet they’ve been saying some pretty mean things about us (I can tell because I’ve felt my ears burning).
And even if these handful of waterboarding incidents did produce information about 9/11 and helped prevent more attacks, what about all the lives that disruption to the jijadists' plans put at risk again? That's right -by thwarting their efforts to kill only a few thousand more of us, you, Mr. Bush, emboldened them to now want to kill perhaps millions of us. Yeah, smooth move there, genius!
Waterboarding obviously put our lives in jeopardy like never before...yes, even while my mortal remains will not be identified in a New York landfill for another ten years. Got any more bright ideas on ways to extract vital information from murderous, high-level Al Qaeda members in crucial times of acute national and humanitarian peril..? Huh, President Whiz Kid?!
You just make me sick, Mr. President, sir! And don't expect me to be buying your damn book, either!
Remains of Man Smoldering in Ruins of Twin Towers, 9/11/01
Ground Zero, New York, NY
Unlike our usual attempt at satire (emphasis on ‘attempt’), this faux commentary was not intended to be humorous. Duh Progressive finds it naïve, to the point of demented, that anyone would oppose waterboarding captured terror suspects after the events of September 11th, 2001. Anyone who opposes our nation’s use of the practice of waterboarding are themselves practitioners of a dangerous brand of self-righteous ignorance, and are also grossly insensitive to the victims and the families of victims of terrorism all over the world. And regarding our own experiences with terrorism in the U.S., we would like to see what the opinion of the foes of waterboarding would be had they been up in those towers or planes on 9/11. But obviously, that is impossible for us to ever know.