(Ahh, good ol' "Mini News"... A breath of non-political air from the rest of what "Duh" posted. "Mini News" was/is just silly, goofy and fake news articles people of all political persuasions could enjoy, and let readers know that Duh Progressive could do just plain old "shits-n-giggles" humor. More of our "Mini News" headlines can be found below this current piece, which was one of our personal favorites. Thank you!)
Thursday, May 11, 2015,
(OAK BROKE, ILL) —The moment so many McDonald’s fast food lovers have been waiting for has arrived, possibly revolutionizing the fast food industry as we know it, and all courtesy of First Lady Michelle Obama and other national health advocates.
Responding to growing demands from Mrs. Obama, et al, that McDonald’s add healthier items to their menu, the fast food giant announced Tuesday it will be replacing its famous “Big Mac” with the world’s first “1 Calorie Cheeseburger,” aimed for its more diet-conscious customers.
The “McOne Cal,” as the burger will be called, sports the exact same ingredients, smell, and taste of McDonald’s to-be-former Big Mac and other cheeseburgers. But like with so many “healthier” items fast food franchises are hurriedly replacing their menus with, there’s a catch: the “McOne Cal” cheeseburger will be only 0.4 inches in size, or approximately 1.016 millimeters in diameter.
“We’re very proud of our new ‘McOne Cal’ and guarantee it will meet the needs of our more health-driven customers,” stated McDonald’s CEO Don Thompson, Tuesday. Thompson said that the pea-sized cheeseburger will debut on McDonald’s menus next month, undoubtedly filling the needs of those who want that “authentic McDonald’s taste and experience,” yet will not have to worry about their weight or cholesterol.
The “McOne Cal,” weighing in between .09 —.11 grams, is already being hailed by U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius as a bold step by the fast food industry to provide Americans with the nutrition they need and the “fast food experience” they desire. First Lady Michelle Obama was quoted by the AP Tuesday, saying she was thrilled that McDonald’s “was finally taking heed to the demands of fast food-goers” in offering the leanest cheeseburger to date.
Further thrilling the requests of Obama, Sebillius, and national health advocates, the McOne Cal, if ordered as a “meal” will instead of fries, come with one (a single) sesame seed, and for a drink a 2-ounce paper cup containing an ice cube (yes, one ice cube). In total, a McOne Cal meal will carry all of 1.001 calories, .0008 grams of sodium, .000076 grams of fat, and .00045 grams of cholesterol, making it the undisputed champion of healthy fast food meals in the world, served to health-starved customers in bags about the size of a golf ball, and all at a cost of only $.05, or $.10 with the sesame seed and ice cube included –finally, a fast food meal that is healthier and cheaper than ever, and which meets the dema…requests of health food advocates like the First Lady.
Many McDonald’s patrons on the other hand are expressing frustration at the replacement of the Big Mac with the McOne Cal (or “McOne-Point-Zero-Zero-One-Cal” if ordered as a meal), claiming the “McOne Cal” is not exactly filling as a meal, and will consequently force them to purchase as many as 100-plus “McOne Cals” to make up for the regular Big Mac burgers they are used to. Said Helen Schuster, a regular lunch hour customer of McDonald’s in Fulton, Missouri, “So what am I supposed to order now in place of my regular Happy Meal -140 ‘McOne Cal’ meals? That’s ridiculous! And then what, open 140 golf-ball sized bags of pea-sized burgers, and hold them with what? –I can’t even hold them between my fingers! Or will (McDonald’s) provide tweezers?”
Conceding the fact that around 140 McOne Cals will equal one what used to be McDonald’s regular Big Mac, McDonald’s spokesperson for the U.S., James Johannesen, said yesterday that customers who order at least fifty $.05 McOne Cal cheeseburgers will receive them in one bag the size of a grapefruit, along with a spoon with which to eat them. But added Johannesen, the Affordable Health Care Act of 2010 demands an extra tax of 15% be added to any order of more than 10 McOne Cals , and a 20% tax for more than 18 McOne Cal meals, resulting in a regular cheeseburger amount of McOne Cals costing 21-percent more, if customers so desire. In essence, customers ordering McOne Cals equivalent to the amount of a regular McD’s Big Mac will be paying 150% more for them, plus the fact that ordering more than twenty McOne Cal meals will be not come with one sesame seed, but a French fry (yes, one French fry).
But that is exactly what is needed in these times of increasing national obesity, according the Department of Health and Human Services, Tuesday. Stated the HHS in a press release, “Those (McDonald’s) patrons who care about their fat and calorie intake are encouraged to buy one to perhaps eight of the pending ‘McOne Cals,’ but those who choose to purchase more should be aware of the economic and health consequences of eating an ‘unhealthy’ amount of what (McDonald’s) has to offer.”
Minus what caloric or economic impact buying one, two, or two-hundred McOne Cals may have, there are those still adamantly opposed to McDonald’s “McOne Cal” burger —and they’re not even McDonald’s fans. New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg reacted to the unveiling of McDonald’s 1.016-millimeter-sized cheeseburger virulently Tuesday, declaring it “not enough” in light of the “dismal health statistics of Americans, particularly minorities.” Stated Bloomberg to Duh Progressive, “After all we have done to make sure our citizens are told what to eat, instead of deciding for themselves, McDonald’s comes out with this facade? This is nothing more than a way to impede the health of poor communities by forcing them to pay 10-times more for the same heart-clogging meals they paid only three-dollars for before.”
Bloomberg added that he would press the New York City Council to mandate all McDonald’s in the city not offer the one-calorie/.09 gram cheeseburgers for 5-cents; demanding instead the fast food giant discard all their other burger options in place of a better ½-calorie/.05 gram cheeseburger, costing a whole dollar a piece, and force all New Yorkers to eat at least 50 of them a day.
“A ‘pea-sized’ cheeseburger for five cents..? That’s just too big of a serving!” Bloomberg said to Duh Progressive reporters Tuesday. “What New Yorkers need is a grain-sized burger, no more than two millimeters in size, for two dollars, and not be able to order more than fifty at a time. It would improve the health of our residents, as well as soak indigents even more for items they can’t resist at prices they can’t afford, further straddling them to poverty and the comfort of state subsidies…That’s the only way to make sure our people remain healthy, like in Sudan.”
(STANFORD, CA)—For many couples in the U.S. who may have troubled sex lives, a new study released today from the University of Stanford shows surprising results and possibly brighter futures for couples who have issues in the bedroom.
Sociology students from Stanford studying married and cohabiting couples over a six month period found that couples who hoist an enormous “STOP” sign in bed and plant it between themselves stand a much greater chance of receiving less sex, and less satisfying sex than those who do not carry and/or hold a big road-sized STOP sign in bed.
“I would classify our findings as stunning, to state it modestly,” said Dr. Kildor Klinenhoff, the lead researcher for Stanford’s Department of Sociology and the study. Dr. Klinenhoff and a select group of students monitored over 200 couples from October of last year, at a cost of $3,289,040, mostly paid by federal grants. Couples who got into bed with a road-sized STOP sign between them were 91% less likely to attempt to engage in sexual intercourse or perform it effectively, where as couples with no STOP signs in bed were forced to rely on more complex issues to prevent them from having sex, such as financial problems, personality conflicts, screaming children, mutual physical attraction and fidelity issues. However in the end, according to Klinenhoff, an enormous STOP sign was always a major impediment to couples’ sex lives.
Celeste and Lu Park, participants in the study, said that their sex lives have improved dramatically after researchers had them remove their STOP sign from the middle of their bed. “Lu and I kept trying to make love each morning, but this STOP sign kept getting in the way. It was really beginning to put a strain on our marriage,” said Mrs. Park. “Now Lu and I can get as close as we want in bed without some huge, sharp hunk of metal that says “STOP” coming between us. ...We’re so grateful.”
Couples already have enough to worries in life, according to Dr. Klinenhoff, without the intrusion of STOP signs in their physical relationships. “It’s time to say ‘stop’ to having STOP signs in bed. That’s incontrovertible,” Klinenhoff said. “Hopefully as news of our findings spreads, millions of American couples will find their physical intimacy improving.”
(MELBOURNE, FL) —College freshman and marine biology major Darnell Rogers is an A-student with big dreams. But Rogers’ dreams are not about cleaning the oceans, or solving the mystery behind massive fish kills, stopping oxygen-eating algae, or even curing a whale’s flatulence. Nope.
Rogers is using his parents’ money and his scholarship for the Florida Institute of Technology to dream of achieving something Rogers says no one has done before: to become the first rapper or R&B musician to sing about having sexual intercourse all night long.
“I always liked fish and underwater sea life of all kinds, but my real secret passion has been music and rapping, the whole hip-hop genre,” said the 19-year-old, who admits to devoting most of his time (and parents’ money) not studying marine biology, picking a concentration, interning, or planning on turning his major into a career after college. “I’ve just have been into rap and R&B songs since as young as I can remember, and I’ve never heard a rap or R&B artist yet just sing about ‘bumping uglies’ all night. I’ve heard R&B singers and rap artists talk about everything in their songs except having sex all night long. … I think it’s an important topic that finally has to be addressed through the wonder of hip-hop music.”
Having just turned 19 years old, the intercourse-duration-obsessed Darnell is lucky if he personally can do it for all of three minutes, never mind all night, as he aspires to sing about as a career after his parents’ tens-of-thousands of dollars are spent and he walks across the stage with a degree in anything but rapping about doing it all night long.
“I mean, like, ‘doin’ it all night long’, that’s just so important in a relationship, gay or straight. I know my folks spent forty thousand dollars to help build me a career in nautical biology and to help save the fish and all…but really, isn’t there anyone out there that’s simply singing the glories of being able to have sex from sundown to sunrise?” said Darnell to Duh Progressive. “I’ve been such a music and hip-hop fan all my life, and yet I can’t get over how little hip-hop artists sing about ‘doing bitchez all night long’.”
Darnell’s parents have reportedly supported their son’s new-found love and desire to promote “bumping uglies” all night long, and have also told him he can find his own place to live once he has succeeded in corning that so seldom-themed market in the hip-hop world.
Darnell is currently living on a friends’ couch.
(FAIRFAX, VA) —Local Starbucks employee and college student Nathan Thurman is counting himself happy these days. His co-workers and friends (especially his heterosexual friends) are counting themselves even happier, for Thurman, 23, is sporting a new “BFF”, who is quite a relief to the eyes of Thurman’s friends and family. Emily Williams, 22, and Thurman have become best of friends over the last year from first meeting at Northern Virginia Community College.
Thurman, who is gay, had to say goodbye to his last best female friend, Deborah, last year after she moved to attend the University of Virginia. But unlike Deborah and her “BFF” predecessors, Williams is a relief to all…because she is not a completely fat or hideous slob, according to Thurman’s family and friends.
“Emily is just a lovely young lady and I’m so happy Nate and her were able to meet in their Blind Lesbians in Film Studies class last year,” said Thurman’s mother, Janet, to Duh Progressive Tuesday. “She’s every bit as nice and caring as Deborah, Nat’s old friend, expect that she isn’t as big as Yellowstone National Park with a face that looks like a baboon’s butt on a bad day. Emily, on the other hand is cute for her weight.”
Emily’s decent size (only 40 pounds overweight) and face is making hanging around the duo much easier, according to Kylie MacFadden, a co-worker and friend of Thurman’s. “Going out with Nate when he would be with Deborah was hard. She was hard on the eyes, alright. She would even chase customers away at the (coffee) shop,” said MacFadden. “Don’t get me wrong, she was a big sweetie and treated everyone great and would do anything for Nate. But so help me, you had to wear two pairs of sunglasses around her even at night.”
But Thurman, according to his family and friends, could not be happier and still remains in touch with onetime best gal pal, Deborah, who had been friends with him since high school after she crushed two classmates against some lockers when she caught them harassing Thurman for being gay. The two had been inseparable ever since, and no one dared pick on Thurman again lest they risked enduring the face and force of Deborah, which Thurman admits had a worse temper than new pal Emily.
Said Thurman to Duh Progressive Tuesday, "Emily won't be crushing bullies up against lockers any time soon, but again I'm not in high school anymore. She's just cool and likes doing almost everything I like to do. It's total sympatico with me and Emily! She's such a good listener, too."