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Christmas 2011 Horoscopes !

Aries

March 21 - April 19

T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring…all thanks to Fannie Mae who convinced your dumb ass years ago you could afford that empty 4,500-square-foot home in Atlanta’s suburbs on a $60K a year salary.

Taurus

April 20 - May 20

‘Tis the season to be jolly….at least until Easter, when you’re reminded again why you hate the Jews.

Gemini

May 21 - June 21

You will catch mommy kissing Santa Claus. Then you will catch Santa Claus asking mommy, “So you want the job or not, bitch?” …At which point you’ll wonder, “What the hell is Herman Cain doing my house dressed as Santa?”

Cancer

June 22 - July 22

Don’t forget to spend this Christmas worshiping the birth of our Lord and Savior (but enough about Barack Obama…)

Leo

July 23 - Aug 22

He knows when you are sleeping…as well as he should since Coach Sandusky slipped you those roofies.

Virgo

August 23 - Sept 22

And why exactly is everyone always talking about Rudolph’s nose anyway, you bunch of anti-Semitic assholes!

Libra

Sept 23 - Oct 22

A bottle of vodka and sleeping pills that one Christmas morning; a pipe funneling in your car’s exhaust fumes into your bedroom the other Christmas morning; a rope and noose-tying instructions last Christmas morning; and a loaded .357 this Christmas morning… Hmmm, maybe Santa’s trying to tell your smug, self-righteous Atheist ass something.
Scorpio

Oct 23 - Nov 21

“Dashing through the snow, on a one-horse open sleigh…” …at least you were until you ran that U.S. Marine checkpoint outside of Kabul.

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 21

This will be the year your child learns there is no such thing as Santa Claus. …After all, it was the middle of the night, it was dark, your dad heard someone trying to break into the house…and now there’s a living room full of shotgun smoke and a headless Santa sprawled over the coffee table.   Nobody’s fault, really.

Capricorn

Dec 22 - Jan 19

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care…. That’s because they’re highly combustible and you need the insurance payout.

Aquarius

Jan 20 - Feb 18

On the 1st Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me…a picture of this erection via Twitter that resulted in him having to retire from the remaining 11 days, not to mention New York’s 9th District.

Pisces

Feb 19 - March 20

Merry Christmas! 

(stop masturbating)

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