Friday, November 4th, 2011,
(TOTONTO) —As pressure mounts on ladyboy pop singer Justin Bieber to reveal whether current allegations he fathered an illegitimate child are true, the young star came out swinging yesterday with his most convincing evidence yet he has remained celibate.
At a press conference in Toronto, the mega crooner displayed his palms to a vast sea of reporters and pronounced, “Look, look, look at the amount on hair on these palms. I’ve been growing it for years. You think this can happen if I have been running around fathering children?”
Anonymous sources close to the teenage star confirm that the singer’s palms are indeed hairy, however noted that the hair has subsided in growth over the last year, indicating Bieber may be engaging in “activities” (i.e. baby making) that would be causing the natural slowing of his palms’ follicle festiveness.
The furor over Bieber’s biological meanderings broke earlier this week when devout fan Mariah Yeater accused Bieber of impregnating her after a Los Angeles concert in a backstage bathroom tryst. Bieber has remained adamant he has never met Yeater and knows nothing of what she is talking about.
“Have you seen a photo of this young lady?” added Bieber, fiercely his waving hairy palms for all to see. “I would rather have this hair on my palms for the rest of my life than have anything physical to do with this person.”
Bieber went on to remind reporters and fans that if anyone had become pregnant out of such an encounter, it would have been him. “I say ‘would’ have been me (to become impregnated),” added Bieber. “I say that because I yet to receive my first period. So these allegations are impossible, no matter how you look at it.”