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mentaires.info Navy Captain Fired After Violating Tender Innocence of Nation's Sailors
Wednesday, January 5th, 2011
WASHINGTON — A Navy Captain’s career hangs in the balance and thousands of tender, virginal U.S. seamen remain scarred for life following the worst sex scandal to rock the Navy since Tailhook.
Captain Owen Honors was relieved from command of the U.S.S. Enterprise Tuesday, after it was revealed he and fellow officers on the aircraft carrier produced and broadcasted “raunchy” videos for the ship’s crew.
The tapes depict simulated masturbation, Capt. Honors in suggestive situations, gay slurs, foul language, and women showering together—material far too depraved and alien to the innocent personnel on the ship, all of whom joined the U.S. Navy expecting to preserve their child-like ignorance of sex and sacred chastity as long as possible.
In a press statement Tuesday, Adm. John C. Harvey Jr., Commander of U.S. Fleet Forces, said Capt. Honors was a “deeply perverse and disturbed individual;” a man, who although was merely trying to break the notorious monotony of life on a warship, still “had no business soiling the sexual purity of America’s brave men and women in uniform, as they put their lives in danger each day, 
down in the deep, damp, dark, grungy, hot, steamy, cramped quarters of the nation’s military vessels, all squeezed together like oiled, glazed sardines, glistening and grinding flesh-against-flesh, all alone on a floating bed of heaving, rocking, sliding, writhing, gyrating, sweaty chastity, with no one to turn to but each other…over and over and over a…ag…agaaaain!”
(Duh Progressive has to step out for a cigarette; be back in 5)
...Adm. Harvey added that Capt. Honors’ suspension may easily turn into an “early retirement,” as reports continue to flow from the sultry nooks and crannies of the flotilla of Puritanism that is the U.S.S. Enterprise.
Recounted a visibly shaken Ensign Todd Sunstrum from his adolescently decorated bedroom at his parents’ house in Newport, RI, “We had been gleefully going about our duties (on the Enterprise) for months, working ever-so tightly in the ship’s swaying, narrow halls. Officer (Barbara) Sanchez’s heaving breasts and aching thighs would brush against mine, followed by Captain Johnson’s budging mound of meaty modesty. We were so busy we were hardly able to sleep in our own quarters…Then one night Captain Honors came on the TV with this ‘S-E-X’ talk and naked women. I was so upset. I never knew about any of that stuff. It was disgusting!”
The Navy said it is sending letters of apology to the families of the servicemen and women who saw the carnal debauchery of Capt. Honors and other officers, one of whom has apologized publically for her role in the sickening smut. 
“The young sailors of the United States Navy –or any nation, for that matter– have been the pinnacle of purity for hundreds of years,” said fellow perverted participant Lt. Lucille Jones, 27. “Our country’s hormonally-exploding youth go into our Navy as innocent as lambs, and expect to come out as such. I can only hope the reckless, sex-crazed insanity I helped create hasn’t tarnished their perceptions of gender relations forever…I’m just so sorry. I’ll be entering rehab as soon as possible.”
But the damage of the obscenely innocuous scandal may have already been done. Reports of outrage from Navy parents are streaming in from around the country, and Navy recruiters are reporting a sharp drop in inquiries since the scandal broke Sunday.
Navy mother Adrienne Holmes said she regrets allowing her son, John, to join the Navy. Said Holmes, 51, of Minneapolis, “This is an outrage! (Captain) Honors should be thrown in jail for corrupting our tender sailors.”
Holmes neighbor and fellow Navy mom, Mary Jameson, agreed. “I hope the commanders and Navy are happy they finally exposed our daughter, Jenna, to sex….Her father and I went to a lot of trouble to rescue her from that Albanian-run brothel, then Brett Favre. And now to have her exposed to filth like this?! We’re crushed!”
Added Jameson, “We didn’t send Jenna out to sea for months with thousands of young men just to come home and ask us what a penis was! How will we ever cope? I’ll never think of the U.S. Navy the same again.”
Indeed, nor will the world, Mrs. Jameson.
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