‘‘When Will You Stop Me From Beating Myself in the Head With a Hammer, Mrs. Obama?’’
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- Created on Monday, 20 February 2012 23:56
- Written by Samuel Bowman
Dear First Lady Michelle Obama,
Today I woke up and went through a tragic and routine ordeal: I bashed myself in the head with a hammer.
I got out of bed, walked down to my closet, pulled out my tool box, produced a 12-ounce carpenter’s hammer, and wacked myself in the eyebrow with it forcefully. I fell down, blood poured everywhere. After a few minutes of seeing stars the bleeding stopped, and I was able to bandage myself up and head to work. But the sad thing is, Mrs. Obama: that is the third time this month that I’ve beaten myself in the head with a hammer.
‘‘Things Just Haven’t Been the Same Between My Muslim Girlfriend and Me Since Her Honor Killing’’
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- Created on Tuesday, 14 February 2012 00:21
- Written by Brian Kelleher
Cross-cultural love can be a tricky thing. It can be torrid, steamy, passion-filled extravaganza between two people whose ethnic and cultural differences strangely beckon them to know each other in the most intimate ways. They also can be quite frustrating and in the end, can fail as simply and sadly as any other relationship.
So I, on this day, must forlornly report that things between my Muslim girlfriend and I just haven’t been the same since her family stoned her to death two weeks ago.
Yes, Fatimah and I just haven’t been the same since then. I’ve tried taking her out to the movies and restaurants, even came over her college dorm room to make her some hummus-flavored Ramen. But since last month when her father, mother and older brother (originally from Saudi Arabia) found out she was seeing me, an Irish Catholic, and not the Saudi Wahhabist they wanted her with, and came over to her college dorm room and “talked some sense” into her with a couple bricks and aluminum pipe, I think she and I may be in a bit of some trouble.
FLIP-FLOP: Hitler & Gandhi on ''Merry Christmas'' vs. ''Happy Holidays''
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- Created on Sunday, 11 December 2011 22:39
- Written by Hitler and Gandhi
Three Things Your Child Should Know Before Seeing the New ''Human Centipede II'' Movie
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- Created on Tuesday, 25 October 2011 03:24
- Written by Dr. Glenda Minkmier
“Mommy, what’s a ‘human centipede’?”
“Mommy, why does that man want to surgically attached people’s mouths to…?”
Children can be a treasure trove of questions, can’t they? They gaze around and wonder what this big scary “world” is all about, and leave you to explain it to them. And sometimes their questions can be uncomfortable. This is why, as a parent and a child psychiatrist, I suggest communing with your child before taking them to see the new marvelous feat of cinematic mastery now playing in independent film theatres nationwide. Yes, you guessed it, I’m talking about “Human Centipede II.”
“Don’t Be Silly, My Son the Drag Queen Can Return to Iran Any Time He Likes!"
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- Created on Monday, 19 September 2011 13:14
- Written by Hamid Najjar
On behalf of the entire Najjar family, I demand, dear sirs, that you suspend your critical chatter about the “situation” with our 22-year-old son, Majid.
Wh…? What? What dare say you, my good man? What…? You dare say, my dear chap, that my flamboyantly gay son, who merely claims to have barely escaped our humble Iran “with his life,” and now makes a living as a professional drag queen dancer in Lower East Manhattan is afraid to come back and pay his ol’ ma’ and pa’ a visit? Preposterous!
…What was that..? You say he can’t come back –in due haste or at his leisure– to our quaint conservative suburb of Uz Kala because he will be summarily executed? O, rubbish! Rubbish, I say!
