‘‘Nobody Is Going to Host My Daughter’s Drug-Crazed Satanic Orgy Prom Party This Year Except Me'’’
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- Created on Wednesday, 01 May 2013 13:39
- Written by Tammy Lynn Fey
There’s a trend these days of parents hosting their kids’ parties. They allow alcohol to be served under the their watchful eye to make sure nothing gets “out of hand,” and to make sure the kids drive home sober or have a place to stay if they’re not. The assumption by these parents is that their kids are going to go to parties and drink anyway, so why not be around to monitor things.
But some more closed-minded folks call this irresponsible behavior by parents. They say it’s reckless, still dangerous and sends a wrong message to kids, all signs of parents who care more about being seen as “cool buddies” by their children than they are being seen as parents.
This is hardly the case though with my daughter, Barbee, who knows I’m not just her best friend, but her “BFF.” Hee hee…
‘‘Capitalism Sucks and So Does America: An Essay On Why I Can’t Get a Job!’’
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- Created on Tuesday, 26 March 2013 20:08
- Written by Nick Taxia
Dear America,
I’m going on welfare. I’ve been looking for a job now for over two years, and I have had it. I’m sayin’ f**k it! Ya hear me, America? And not just f**k looking for a job and keep getting turned down, failing and failing again and again, but f**k the whole system, man! To hell with this whole American capitalist bullshit.
Maybe if I could get hired if I wouldn’t feel this bitter. But I gotta tell you, America, this whole not-being-able-to-find a job shit is really making me doubt your whole “you can make it in America” crap, and the whole “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” shit you feed us from the moment we’re born. So I’m giving up. I’m going on public assistance.
‘‘I Can’t Wait to Get to America So I Can Complain About How Terrible It Is!’’
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- Created on Thursday, 28 February 2013 21:43
- Written by Irina Malashka
Dear America,
After years of applying; after years of hoping; after years of praying, crying, and worrying I can finally thank God —my kids and me are leaving Belarus and coming to America. America! Halleluiah!
That’s right, my kids and me finally got approved….by the illegal immigrant smuggling network in Minsk to endure the two-week-long nightmarish escape from Belarus, be smuggled through Western Europe, then stuffed into a trailer on a cargo ship to then be (hopefully) ignored by the bribed U.S. Customs agent in New York as me and my five kids slip by and are soon lost among the churning humanity of Brooklyn, then possibly Boston, Philadelphia, Baltimore, maybe Washington, who knows.
‘Obama Claus’ and the Night Before Christmas (Parody)
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- Created on Sunday, 23 December 2012 20:22
- Written by Duh Progressive
(Warning: the following contains strong language and may not be suitable for all readers.)
The Night Before Christmas (with 'Obama Claus')
'Twas the night before a certain faith-based celebratory occasion, and all through the house,
Not a creature was aware of an approaching louse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney we don't use,
For proud liberals we are, so we dare not light its fuse.
Wake Up, Kiddies! Santa's a Fascist Midget Exploiter!
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- Created on Sunday, 09 December 2012 13:42
- Written by Nick Taxia
Dear Readers,
Weeks ago Duh Progressive ran an article about First Lady Michelle Obama accusing Santa Claus of being one of the main reasonsfor why so many Americans have diabetes and heart disease today. The article, “Santabetes: Michelle Obama Says Santa Claus Promotes Diabetes,” was met with shock and distain among many of our readers, who chastised Mrs. Obama for her criticism of Santa.
Well my friends, this commentator, this brave, cutting-edge journalist, Yours Truly, Nicholas Taxia, proudly agrees with our First Lady, and then some.
