(caveat: before anyone begins to freak out over the following satirical piece, let it be known this article is based on people, not puppets, Duh Progressive has known who truly hold this view on abortion)
Okay America, I’ve got to level with you here. I’m going to be bold and upfront with you, in a way I, Sesame Street’s Big Bird, has never been before. Because if there’s one thing to know about me, it is this: I hate condoms. I just can’t stand the feel of a condom (more like “lack of feeling,” if you know what I mean). Can’t stand them, I tell you.
In fact, none of us on Sesame Street like condoms. After each show is over the cameras stop rolling, the studio lights go dim, and well, what can I say…the feathers start flying, fur gets fluffed, the clothes come off, marionette strings turn erect with ecstasy, and our little studio in Los Angeles erupts with cries of passion from birds, bears, and nondescript imaginary creatures of all kinds –yet you’ll find hardly a lousy condom being used among the writhing, carnal carpet of orgiastic puppet debauchery (except for when it comes to Burt and Ernie, because their sexuality puts them statistically in a higher HIV-risk group, a fact that has caused some contention at times, but anyhow, I’m getting off topic).
Anyway, we Sesame Street characters, particularly me, can’t stand using condoms. But since we’re not “humans,” our ignorant, heartless health insurers will not provide us “the pill” or other contraceptive methods, which leaves us no alternative: whenever I get knocked-up, which inevitably happens (at least a couple times a year) I have to turn to “old faithful.” That’s right, I mean Planned Parenthood.
I’m 43 years old, folks, and I can’t tell you how many abortions I’ve had to have over the years. Yes, giant, flightless yellow birds are just as passionate about protecting their bodies and keeping our reproductive rights to ourselves as any person. That means keeping the government’s hands off our bodies. And means you, Mitt Romney!
I proudly admit: when I miss my period and tearfully have inform Oscar the Grouch, or Elmo, or The Count that “we have a problem,” it’s off to Planned Parenthood we go, where we imaginary creatures, puppets, and even giant, ridiculous-looking aves like myself are treated with care and respect. Why, if I had a dollar for every time Planned Parenthood has “helped me out” over the years I could probably buy an abortion for the whole Sesame Street cast myself. But now, with a very possible Republican win on November 6th, I’m terrified that right to exterminate my fetal chicks may be lost…forever. And I can remember what getting an illegal (a.k.a. “back-alley”) abortion was like, as I was created in 1969, four years before Roe v. Wade.
Despite all the hoopla made over Mitt’s comments that he would defund public television, I’m not concerned about PBS’s funding and the cuts Romney claims he’ll make to it. Cutting our funding has been part of the GOP’s extremist dogma for years. We survived four Republican presidents, and were even created by another, so I’m not placing a lot of fear into Mitt starving me and my fellow Muppet-lovers of Sesame Street off the air. Abortion, however, is another frightening matter….
Don’t fool yourself, America, if you vote for Mitt Romney you’ll be depriving me of my natural and Constitutional right to an abortion. Therefore Mitt Romney can never be president. Furthermore, the U.S. Senate must remain in Democratic hands to allow full implementation of the Affordable Healthcare Act of 2010, and then I can get all the abortions I want…for free! No more having to beg Count Von Count or Oscar or Telly Monster to pay for my latest pregnancy termination; no, taxpayer funded annihilation of my fertilized egg whenever and wherever, regardless of circumstance or trimester —total, complete, sexual freedom for Big Bird and those like-minded giant, fellow yellow fowls and our human counter-parts. Yes! Finally!
Fellow Americans, human and big, yellow, cloth-stitched goofy birds alike, please don’t let Mitt Romney take this solemn right away from me, from you, from us. Please do not vote for this madman on November 6. For although I find his talk of defunding PBS to be nothing but B.S. (after all, Obama doesn’t call him a “bullshitter” for nothing), his talk of doing away with Planned Parenthood is not; his talk of overturning Roe v. Wade is not; and who wants to move back to the days when they couldn’t just discard a fetus willy-nilly? I know I sure don’t.
Don’t roll back the clock, America. Keep us moving Forward with Barack Obama, because a vote for Mitt Romney is a vote against my next abortion.
Sesame Street icon, teacher, activist, progressive giant fowl
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