My fellow Americans,
I am what I am now. What else can I say? I’ve been this way longer than I can remember, and can do nothing else but sincerely apologize. But I was not always like this. I, your First Lady’s rear end, was once plump, yet firm; round, yet bouncy; properly proportioned; a perfect specimen of a Black female behind. But those things I am no longer, and have not been for so, so long. And I am here to tell you, America, that I am truly sorry for it.
I say this now because I’ve heard there has been a recent spike in public school students complaining of my owner, First Lady Michelle Obama’s mandated changes to school lunches. Apparently a thin slice of chicken breast with no seasoning on a whole wheat bun with skim milk isn’t exactly cutting the mustard (if there was any). Students have complained already about by owner’s changes to how they eat, all in the name of her leaving a legacy for herself and her “Let’s Move!” program. All I can say is: eat up, kiddies. Eat your bland–ass (no pun intended, being an ass myself) lunches my owner dictates, because no amount of utterly tasteless meals can save you once you’re like me. I am bulging, sagging, and unattractive. And no squats, running or yoga can save me. I am a blubbery fat ass; a horrible example to America’s children, flying in the face of all Michelle is trying to achieve (through force).
I am a disgrace, a sad reminder of what someone who’s neglected the size and shape of her butt can never get back, no matter how much she “claims” she works out (I’m sorry, Michelle, my dear owner, but lounging on a beach on one of your countless vacations isn’t really working out…or working out). And so I am ruined! Done! Finished! Forever to slump and wobble with every step of my owner’s futile exercising during whatever phony shindig she performs in front of young American fatties. ...God, I’m so worthless!
No offense here, but being born to a Black woman I knew I had my work cut out for being a decent size. Yet many Black butts are still quite attractive even when they are oversized; round, curvy, chocolate love mountains men long to dive into to ravish, and women long to replicate. Indeed, even this website’s producer, Nick Taxia, could tell you all about that (but that’s a discussion for another time).
In fact, I’m not even “that bad” of an ass, actually. There are countless asses worse than me, but they’re not attached to a First Lady who prides herself on promoting health and fitness to millions of American children, are they? Michelle could have me rivaling the ass of Kerry Washington, or Naomi Campbell, Lupita Nyong’o, Beyoncé, Rosario Dawson, or countless others of supreme African hotness. Hell, even Tina Turner has a better ass at age 75 than I do at age 50! …Damn it, I could have been great! I coulda’ been a contenda’, instead of a bum (of a bum), which is what I am –let’s face it!
I’ve tried against Michelle’s will to keep myself in shape, tried to be an example not just to young Black women, but young women of all colors in America. But I have failed. I sag now ever more in sorrow for my futile attempts at inspiration, my cellulite drooping even more with disappointment. I’m so sorry, America.
You know I cry sometimes at night? I do! Michelle wakes up and hastily makes her way to the toilet, thinking it was the greasy burrito or tainted oysters or spoiled Beluga whale caviar she devoured in secret before bed. But what it really is…is me, crying! I cry a lot these days. That methane gas Michelle tries so hard to hold in during appearances and speeches –that’s me crying out in despair and shame. That’s how we asses express our feelings! “Thy Hershey squirts are but thy tears, thy pharts but cries of woe!” ...That’s Shakespeare, I believe, isn’t it? Othello, right?
Anyway, while America’s students suffer under the yolk of my owner’s school lunch mandates let it be known that I, Michelle Obama’s butt, have tried very my best to withstand the onslaughts of my owner’s secret insatiable appetite for all things fattening, expensive, exorbitant, and exotic. But I have failed. And I, America’s First Lady’s Butt, the First Ass, sincerely apologize.
I just hope that my apology helps ease the anguish America’s public school students who have to endure the self-projecting sense of inferiority my owner has, and her insatiable appetite not for food, but control. It would just be too hard to leave what students eat in school up to local school boards, or even more controversially to their p…pa…par…parents! I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for being a giggling, flopping brown mound of hypocrisy, America.
Hear me, dear America: the message is supposed to be all about “healthiness; keeping in shape; longevity, blah-blah-blah…”, but the bottom’s bottom line is about control. If it wasn’t about control, why would I be so gooey; left to languish on beach chairs storing the calories from Michelle’s strawberry daiquiris? Total hypocrisy!!
Remember kids: someone, somewhere, is always going to be around you throughout your lives, telling you what to eat (like Michelle), or what to drink, what to wear, what to say, what to believe, but distancing themselves from you and surrounding themselves with society’s intelligentsia, inculcated with statistics and studies, ready to tell you how to live. So take it from me, Michelle Obama’s ass: the more you believe and follow the bullshit, the more you’ll end up like me –gross, lazy slobs forced to look at the ground while following your owner(s). I’m just so sorry, America!
Michelle Obama’s Butt (aka: “The First Ass”)