Dear American Swine,
Well, well, well. Seems we have a lot to talk about these days, don’t we? Luckily I was able to get permission from my current boss, Satan, to write this to you. And that’s because just like me, Satan is also giggling hysterically at what I have to say.
Now we all know I wasn’t the most “pleasant” of guys in life. I had my ways, and many people found them abrasive. I had a temper, I flew off the handle sometimes, got a little power-hungry, a little too wrapped up with myself, and I hurt some folks now and again. Also, I… You know what, who the f—k am I kidding? —I was a mass-murdering maniac of the worst sorts! From gassing the Kurds, butchering the Shi’ites, creating a vast secret police and spy network that riddled Iraq with prisons, torture dungeons, and mass graves for anyone who opposed me, even my fellow
Sunni Muslims, I left a deep scar on the face of humanity few leaders have been able to during their mortal lives. I invaded countries, made people watch their family members be tortured and killed in front of them, plundered Kuwait, raped, starved, shot people, and ignited an 8-year war with Iran that cost a million lives.
Even the Devil himself is impressed by some of my deeds! I’ve actually taught him a thing or two on how to torture wayward souls for eternity since I’ve been down here, because I was the Devil up there. I was the closest thing to pristine evil ever known since Stalin or Hitler. But given the way things went in Iraq after you and your allies got rid of me, and particularly now, come on…you have to admit, as painful and humiliating and horrible as it may be…you kind of miss me a little now, don’t cha’? C’mon…just a teensy-weensy lil’ bit?
As I gaze up at the world from my flaming crib in the center of it, I gotta ask you, America: do you think I would have put up with these “ISIS” assholes for five minutes? You think I would have allowed anyone else to step on my toes and try to rise up and proclaim themselves “greater” or higher than my authority? Sunnis or not, trust me, it would NOT have happened.
There was only one God, one Allah in Iraq when I was president –ME! Yeah, there were different sects of Islam and patches of remote, tribal religions, and even Christians too (never hear that too much about my reign, do you?) in my Iraq, but ultimately everyone knew who to worship and fear at the end of the day –yours truly, the Saddamster!
When the Shia stepped out of line, I taught them a “lesson”, as well as the Kurds, and even some radical Sunnis who got all pissy that I wasn’t turning Iraq into the fundamentalist theocratic state. I “dealt” with them, too. It really didn’t matter what religion you were or what personal beliefs you had at the end of the day, as long as you didn’t do so much as look at a mural of me cockeyed, breathed one word of discontent, or broke wind in the wrong direction! Because if you did, you were dead, or made to wish you were.
So as unimaginably monstrous as I was, I kept order. People didn’t have the time or the guts to even think about planning the turmoil that’s going on in Iraq today. And yet you just had to gang up and topple me, believing that all these sects of people I had kept in line would magically hold hands, singe Kumbaya and forge a stable coalition government after I was gone? …Hold on, let pause to wipe my eyes and the snot pouring out my nose from laughing so hard!!! Pardon me…!
…Okay, ahhh, uhh, whooo! I’m back. And your reasons for toppling me? HA! Did I have weapons of mass destruction? Yep, I did. You would have had them too if you had the neighbors I had. Iraq isn’t exactly in the safest of neighborhoods, and I certainly made my fair share of enemies in it. But using those “WMDs” against you, the West? Shit, I was a madman, no doubt, but not a suicidal madman! And as for aiding and helping in the 9/11 attacks? ….Uhh, are you all totally out of your freakin’ nuts!!? Were there al-Qaeda terrorists in my country? Hey, where the hell weren’t there al-Qaeda terrorists in the world? You think I wanted war in the name of Islam? You think I wanted these knuckle-dragging, 7th-Century throwbacks in my pad? HUH! I was practically a goddamn Atheist! I was only a “devout Muslim” when it served my interests.
Ahh, America, Britain, France, the rest of you, I swear… With all of your spying and satellites and “intel” reports, you never seem to get it: a dictator’s primary job is to hold on to power, not throw it away on risky invasion schemes like Hitler, Napoleon, or Idi Amin’s invasion of Tanzania. They are exceptions. After the first Gulf War I realized that a territorial expansion of Iraq was impossible. So I had to settle for just being a really big pain in your ass. And I enjoyed it! I loved it. I still had control over my little fiefdom, people to torture and terrify, while still giving the West some migraines from time to time.
I’ve been gone for almost 8 years, and look what’s happened. George W. Bush thought he overthrew the “big bad wolf of the Middle East”, but instead kicked over the hornets’ nest, and lit it on fire. Then your current dickhead president thought he could put that fire out by throwing the “gasoline of abandonment” on it. Well, now with Baghdad almost surrounded by these troglodyte ISIS lunatics and half of Syria and a third of Iraq being butchered by them, those flames are burning hotter than ever.
Really, America, all those chemical weapons you were so worried about me having you’d be sending me gift-wrapped if an army of nihilistic jihadists bent on establishing an Islamic caliphate marched from Syria into Iraq if I was still in power today. Actually, no, I could’ve taken care of the zealot animals myself. You know how hard it is to wave your saber and scream “Allahu Akbar!” while coughing out your lungs at the same time? Just ask the Kurds, they’ll tell ya! But you just had to get rid of me, didn’t ya’? Nearly 4,500 of your young men and women would be alive today, and thousands more would have all of their limbs, and their sanity if I were still in power. But you just couldn’t resist going after everyone’s favorite villain, could you? Kind of almost reminds me of the relationship I’m having these days with Satan.
When will people learn –I mean people, not just Americans or the Brits– that the enemy you know is better than the enemy you don’t know in so many cases?
Yeah, I was one of the worst men who ever existed. I tried my luck with regional domination, but learned that I just should stay put and antagonize you guys in other ways. But believe me, you don’t know what “antagonism” is… Shit, you don’t even know what a “9/11” is yet if you allow even one of these “Islamic State of Iraq and Syria” cocksuckers live, let alone establish their giant caliphate of annihilation. And as brutal and bloodthirsty as I was, all of this could have been prevented if you would have just left me remain a simple thorn in your ass, in power, and alone.
As I surf the internet down here I keep running across these photos of George W. Bush waving with the words “Miss Me Yet?” …What! WHY? sorry America, but at this point, I think that’s a question I should be asking you.
—With Sincerest Sardonic Mockery,
Former Ruler of Iraq,
Current Resident of Hell