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Rush Limbaugh: ‘‘Why I’ve Been Seriously Thinking About Committing Suicide Recently’’

 

Dear Friends and Ditto-Heads,

     I am finally gaining the strength to apologize for not being on the air for the week of June 8 through June 12.  

    Unlike my usual reasons for why I routinely take leave from the E.I.B. Network, this last absence of mine was neither usual or in any way pleasurable.   I again humbly thank Mark Steyn, Buck Sexton, Rodger Hedgecock, and Erick Erickson for filling in for me during that week.  I am also apologizing in advance, because there is no telling when I may take leave next, or for how long.  And this is because... man, this is so difficult to say, but I must... is because I have been too busy contemplating committing suicide after seeing on Sunday, June the 7th, that the conservative/libertarian‒leaning satirical website, DuhProgressive.com, was no longer in production.

      When I first saw the “IT’S OVER” headline on the site and read the piece, I was struck with initial disbelief, laughed a little, thinking that this too was a satirical joke, but then succumbed to numbing realization, blinding shock, then days of speechlessness (i.e. June 8 — 12), now having settled into a morose, deathly, leaden, surreal, depressing malaise.  I have even become psychosomatic.  I keep smelling sulfur and burnt hair for some reason, cannot sleep without “inducements”, have bouts of incontinence and nausea, and have  hallucinated being in a three-way with my wife and Dianne Feinstein ...while completely sober!  I keep thinking this near-paralyzing depression will pass, but it just keeps getting worse every day.   I see no light at the end of this tunnel. 

    Look, you all know me.  You know I am a man who likes to keep his personal life private and not talk about my innermost demons and fears.   But I have been feeling this way for weeks now, since learning of the downfall of “Duh”, and can simply no longer keep my suicidal feelings a secret!

     I say again: Duh Progressive.com IS DEAD! The site says it could one day resume regular postings and be bigger and more prolific than before in the future, but I doubt it.  And so that’s how I have been spending most of June 2015 —contemplating jumping off a bridge, or overdosing on LifeLock ads, sleeping pills, sticking my head in an oven, or adopting a Michael Vick survivor.

     So yeah, I’m back on the air, but with my mind totally in the air, realizing that no more blastings of Obama or one of his lackeys or sarcastic slams against some well-deserving liberal nut-job, or ruthless online screwing of some other big maggot-infested, plastic banana hippie lib or group will be coming from DuhProgressive.com. ...What the fu...?! HOW? WHY?!!

     Yes, I know, there are many political satirists out there on the Right, producing multiple articles per day.  Duh Progressive did not; it was lucky if it squeezed out two or three articles a week.  But let me tell ya’, being the notorious Breaking Bad fan that I am (a passion Duh Progressive and I share) I can tell you that Duh Progressive was the “Heisenberg” of political satire in written form.  Duh Progressive was the “blue meth” in Right-on-Left pounding via parody.

     Like many of Duh Progressive’s mostly conservative readers, I too was duped once and a while by DP’s articles.  Unlike “The People’s Cube” or “Iowa Hawk”, “Funny Politics” or “Big Fur Hat” —which are all great and funny, don’t get me wrongDuh Progressive made fake, jibing news look and feel the most plausible of the bunch, if not at least on the surface.  And indeed a lot of people thought Duh Progressive’s articles were real.   Although never perfect, they were written with great care and detail.  Some cheap, pastiche, fly-by-night excuse for satire Duh Progressive was not.  Duh Progressive’s pieces were not short, two or three paragraph bursts, it had no cartoons sufficing as “posts”, but instead presented longer, detailed pieces like those one would find in the A section of any real major newspaper.   When lots of folks read Duh Progressive’s articles, they either thought they were reading the truth or else knew they were reading “Heisenberg’s baby blue”, even if they liked the articles or not.  Duh Progressive was right to check-out with that Bad Finger song, too, by the way.  Maybe I will, too (man, it kicks ass!).  So I’m sorry, folks, but your Maha Rushie simply can’t get over this!  

    Ironically a lot of conservative viewers disliked “DP” precisely because it fooled so many of them, and many liberals liked the site because it made naive, stupid, intellectually lazy conservatives who, just like so many libs, didn’t even bother reading the articles or checking the source behind the headlines.  That’s just pathetic, folks, and makes our side look like the crazy-eyed, toothless, knuckle-dragging, tinfoil hat-wearing morons the liberals portray us as being.  Hmph!!  Seems both political sides have their “low information” crowd.  So be it...I still want to off-myself anyway. 

     Also, keep in mind, DuhProgressive.com was a one-man show.  Its writer and creator wrote 99% of its articles and posted them, unlike other satire sites which can pump out many articles per week due to either paid writers, enthusiastic contributors, or just one guy with an IV drip of Adderall writing from his mom's basement.   Plus the site operated on really antiquated, bug-plagued software that routinely distorted its appearance, removed and replaced its side modules at will, and when updated would wipe away such things as social media numbers from older articles.   Hell, Abraham Lincoln used Duh Progressive’s software to draft the Gettysburg Address for God’s sake!

    Anyway, even yours truly was tricked by DuhProgressive.com’s “news article” claiming that an open microphone caught Barack Obama muttering on the 4th of July, “I can’t believe I have to give up a good day of golf for this crap!” (Google it), and caused me to come within minutes of ranting and raging about it to millions on the air before my staff discovered it was a satirical hoax, and a damn believable hoax!  And that’s my point: DuhPro’s believability is probably what helped cause its downfall, not to mention its rumored financial woes and mistakes it made in trying to successfully embark on such an abstract and rare form of political expression for the Right, and in the strange way it did it (man, how do I want to chase down a bottle of Ambien with a 25 year old bottle of Macallan right now!).  You needn’t any more proof of Duh Progressive’s believability than this example:         Like me, too many people were bitten in the royal arse by Duh Progressive’s believability, and took offense to it.  People can get really ticked-off by being fooled, especially in these days where people only bother to read a paper or site's headlines and react to them in knee-jerk, melodramatic manners, and quite frankly, plain old ignorantly.

    Truthfully, folks, I have never seen more dumb people emerge and flourish during my life than today, a time commonly called the “information age” (talk about a misnomer).  And I think in some ways Duh Progressive fell victim to this, this now almost taken-for-granted naiveté among people; their almost willful neglect to research the source behind what they are reading (which is another issue: Duh Progressive rarely posted videos because it wanted to keep alive that now lost practice of, umm, READING! ....Damn, I soooo need some of my old oxy right now!  Who the hell couldn’t want some oxy after reading the comments Duh Progressive received on its most successful articles?).

   Yes, dear friends, people believing bullshit is one thing, but people believing blatant, undeniable bullshit is something else, inexcusable.  For example: Duh Progressive’s 2013 Easter piece bashing then New York mayor Michael Bloomberg over his fondness for banning ''harmful substances'', titled Mayor Bloomberg Bans Easter Bunny From Leaving Easter Eggs Longer Than One Inch.  Many readers of that piece were sent into a rage, decrying Bloomberg, calling him every name in the book, damning him to Hell, all the while never realizing that by believing the article they were by default saying they believed in the Easter Bunny.   I am NOT making this up, folks!  Grown adults...believing in the Easter Bunny.  I shit you not, my friends.

     Duh Progressive even wrote a true opinion piece titled My Fellow Conservatives: Time To Drag Some Of You To The Woodshed’’ that addressed the angry backlash it regularly received from the very people it was fighting for.   But “DuhPro” continued on, plowing through the criticism and its detactors and the “low-info” crowd and its shitty, detestable software, and produced satire that was biting, poignant, and original (“poignant” meaning making a point that is touching, emotional, deep, or profound....or those of you in Rio Linda).

 

    Naturally Duh Progressive was not perfect and had more than its share of duds, ideas that were total flops, mistakenly funny only to its author without considering its intended audience; writing that could be choppy, typo-peppered, and sometimes seeming more interested in being provocative and vindictive than humorously illustrating legitimate criticisms about political and cultural issues.  Calling Justin Bieber an “abortion that lived”, for example, was not a smart statement from a website trying to court conservatives.

     Nonetheless, with Duh Progressive on “indefinite suspension”, I am left with nothing else to do but contemplate putting myself on permanent suspension.   So if you, my dear listeners, tune in one day to hear Erick Erickson or Mark Steyn sobbing on the E.I.B. Network announcing my mortal demise, please remain calm, do not fret much, and please understand: I’ve been through three messy divorces, have been fired from more jobs than I can count, survived drug addiction, hearing loss, and have withstood the brunt of more hurtful lies and hateful criticisms than any other talk show host in American history.  But the loss of DuhProgressive.com may be the straw that will finally break my back and send me beyond the River Styx.  No “Duh” = too dull of a life to tolerate.  

     I can survive on perusing through Duh’s archives for a while, trying to remember when I encountered each of its articles...its regular “News” pieces, the Commentaries, the Mini News and occasional True Op-Ed sections.   I’ll use the site’s search bar to look up old pieces like “Student’s Opinion Plunges College Diversity Class Into Chaos”, the “ Orgy Prom Mom”, the saga of “Kevin Bacon Changing His Last Name” (Google it), “Budget Issues Forces Detroit To Cancel Half Its Murders”, its Christmas parodies, Sandra Fluke’s Comments on Boko Haram and Republicans (Google it), “I Thought Obamacare Would Make Sure No One Would Ever Die!”, The Real Story Barack Obama Would Love To Tell (a particularly curious true opinion piece because it was written weeks prior to the release of Dinesh D’Souza’s film, “2016: Obama’s America”, before Duh Progressive knew what the film would say about Obama.  Both were eerily similar, and besides Obama’s fatherless upbringing, were virtually identical in their critiques), Eric Holder claiming that “Some Minorities Are Simply Biologically Incapable of Obtaining Voter IDs” (Google it), “California Set To Ban Grocery Store Check-Out Lane Dividers” (and Google that!), “Promise of Virgins Reunites Osama bin Laden With High School Debate Team”, Groundhog Day’s famed Puxatawney Phil shooting himself in 2013 after seeing for four more years of Obama in office, Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee’s accusing Republicans of creating the Ebola virus to kill Blacks (now Google that one, please!), the intense the true op-ed about the Sandy Hook massacre, and so many more.

     Duh Progressive’s snarky takes on the ludicrous events and issues of our day fooled reporters, landed itself several times on Snopes.com, Erick Erickson’s Red State, Free Republic, Twitchy, IHatetheMedia.com, Mediaite, Snopes.com, and Masscops (go figure), had itself writing for TV’s The Flipside With Michael Loftus, was a regular guest on One America News Network’s The Daily Ledger show, and much more.  “DuhPro” even caused Nancy Pelosi’s office to be called by people asking if she really said “Waiting hours longer in the emergency room will allow you to make new friends” (now Google that), caused actor Kevin Bacon’s Facebook page to melt with angry fans disgusted he was changing his last name to appease Muslims, and the same with MSNBC host Melissa Harry-Perry’s personal Facebook page for claiming she said the Black cops charged in Freddie Gray’s death were actually “white African-Americans”.   It received a cease and desist letter from the Smithsonian Museum (i.e. federal government), was proclaimed “a big steaming pile of NOT FUNNY” by far-Lefty TV producer, The Daily Show co-creator, comedienne and staunch feminazi Lizz Winstead while on break from making endless stand-upjokes about her vagina, and stoked the ire of many.  But for every person it pissed off, there were readers like me, your dear El Rushbo, who enjoyed Duh Progressive and logged in regularly when the insanity of the Left got so unbearable that I had to have a laugh or at least an amusing take on their antics before I, too, went freaking bonkers!  And now I just can't bear seeing the end of the work of basically one driven dude, with limited time, an even more limited budget, horrible software, yet still able to rack up numbers like this on just Facebook:

     I can only sift through Duh Progressive’s archives for so long before its nostalgia no longer numbs my bottomless pain, and will cause my wife and house staff to wake up one morning to find me spinning slowly around, face‒down in my backyard pool (trust me, I'll be floating!).  Or I could drive into the Everglades at night and walk around with no bug spray on —now that’s assured suicide, for those not familiar with Florida summers.  Maybe I’ll go up to St. Augustine’s famous Alligator Farm and dive into its largest alligator pit.  That outta do it!   

    My friends, maybe I’ll survive this blow to my favorite source of political satire mixed with jabbing profundity, but I maybe I won’t.  But please remember: no matter what happens to me, political satire, regardless of how macabre or snarky or profane DuhProgressive.com’s South Park-ish style could be, is an undeniably indispensible form of political expression and release of anxiety we conservatives need within our movement.  We should never view it as watering down the messages and values we promote and what we stand for.   Please understand that!   You would be foolish if you didn’t, and shooting yourselves in your political foot if you did.  Do not allow any sarcastic or other humorous approaches that convey the points we try to make obscure the importance, the seriousness riding within the approaches themselves.  Never let the way a message is delivered dilute the substance and significance of the actual message.

     Of course there are better “Duh Progressives” out there, and more power to them!  And there will be even better “Duh Progressives” that will come after them, too.   Yes, folks, there will be more and better “Duh Progressives”, but there will never again be  the  DUH PROGRESSIVE.

     Thank you, and please pray that I make it out of this contemplation of suicide by running naked through the streets of west Baltimore waving a Confederate flag.  Take care, my friends!

     —Yours Truly,

         Rush Limbaugh,

         National Talk Show Host and President of the E.I.B. Network

 

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