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Entire World to U.S.: "We hate your guts! Now lead us!"


by Sandra Burowitz, DP Earth Correspondent

Tuesday, April 19th, 2011,

(NEW YORK) —Following at least 100 years of unrequited military and financial aid that has kept the miserable excuse that is humanity in existence, the people of planet Earth, via the United Nations, finally told the United States Monday their truest thoughts and desires of the world's lone superpower.

   Citing the noticeably weak role of the U.S. in the current military actions in Libya, the United Nation's Security Council issued a statement Monday blasting America for not taking the lead in the anti-Gadhafi rebellion...so it could in return be hated and despised even more for having done so.

   Read the statement:

   "The United States has neglected its place as the world's leader in matters such as Libya. Because of this countless lives have been lost and destroyed...The U.S. must return to its predestined lead in these and all Earthly conflicts and disasters, so the rest of the world can then hate them all the more for it..."

   Both permanent and elected nations of the Security Council signed off on the statement. Russia's Security Council representative, Vitaly Churkin, was particularly blunt in speaking on the lapse of U.S. involvement in Libya. "If this international effort is not lead by the United States, the world will not know who to blame when it turns into a total cluster fuck. The U.S. must lead in these matters," Churkin said Monday.

   U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon officially seconded Churkin and the Security Council's remarks Tuesday. Speaking to reporters outside his office in Manhattan, Ki-moon quipped, "No conflict in the world, no matter how small or remote from U.S. interests can languish any longer without leading involvement by the United States. And we hate them for it."

   Added Ki-moon, "We're seeing America withdraw more from its position in world affairs. That is unacceptable. So, to America, let us be clear: We hate your guts! Now lead us!"

   Such statements from the world's top international organization have shaken the United States' premise of what its role should be in international affairs.

   Reeling from decades of international military conflicts which have been controversial, ill-conceived and questionably legal, the policy of the Obama administration has recently been to scale back the U.S.'s involvement in foreign strife, leaving the rest of the world scared shitless that it will, God forbid, have to take up the cursedly unrewarding torch of leadership itself, thus suffering the ire that naturally comes with being the leader (in anything).


World's Schizoid Complaints Nothing New

   As far back as World Wars I and II, Korea, Vietnam, Lebanon, and the first Persian Gulf War, complaints have been lobbied about the lack of U.S. involvement in world conflicts, particularly those in the Middle East.

    In February 1991, then—U.N. Secretary General Javier de Cuéllar was famously quoted as saying of Operation Desert Storm, "The United States has spearheaded the drive to oust Saddam Hussein from Kuwait, which has left the rest of the multi-national coalition having to suffer the burden of only putting a fraction of their armed forces at minimal risk. How dare they!"

   Further blasts were made against the U.S. when it had the audacity to be asked to step in to the civil strife in Haiti in 1994, and then the war in Kosovo in 1999. While struggling to prevent the genocide of Bosnian Muslims (because America is so anti-Muslim) the international community was also critical of the U.S. for filling the vacuum of leadership to stop the slaughter in the former Yugoslavia.

   After September 11, 2001, the United States was once again forced to topple the Al Qaeda-harboring Taliban regime in Afghanistan, which the vast bulk of the planet cheered, then gallantly detested the U.S. for it.

   In 2003, after years of defying numerous U.N. resolutions threatening force if it did not provide proof he did not possess weapons of mass destruction, the U.S. once again lead an international effort to overthrow Saddam Hussein and provide a democratic government in the heart of the authoritarian Middle East, for which it received repeated praise from the international community and current Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. Said al-Maliki, "You fucking bastards!"

   So now, at the behest of Britain, France, Italy, and other nations that have great crude humanitarian oil interests in Libya, the United States is once again being pushed to the forefront of an internationally desired effort to defeat Moammar Gadhafi. But such efforts are not rising to the onerous occasion enough, claim radical Islamist-led rebels in Libya.

   "How can we hate the Americans when they're not sending us the help we need to win?" said Libyan rebel General Abdel Fattah Younes Tuesday. "We will never be rid of (Gadhafi) if the Americans do not provide us more training, more supplies, and their own soldiers to die in our place. Then we can despise them quite properly."

   The Obama administration has not formally responded to the renewed demands by the planet on the U.S., however White House Press Secretary Jim Carney said Tuesday the President is "deeply concerned" over the continual animosity towards the nation . Said Carney Tuesday, "The President is deeply concerned over the charges we're not doing enough in Libya and everywhere else on Earth. He is extremely concerned, and he is distinctly tantalized over that deep concern."

     Minus the current involvement in Libya, Carney also said the White House is still generally "understanding" of the bulk of the world's animosity. "Hey, I remember how good it felt in high school when we watched our quarterback make the plays that won our school the state championship," said Carney, analogizing. "But then when the quarterback was also voted prom king, I hated his damn guts. Then he graduated and I missed having him around to hate the next year."

   However, basking in the hatred the rest of the world shares for the nation that has provided it more military and humanitarian support than any other in history, U.S. Bureau of Masochistic Affairs Director Geoff Knowlton said of the current rise in disdain, "Yes, world...Yes, world. Hate us! Hate us, please! ....Oh, yes, yes, world! You hate us soooooo good! Hate us harder...! Hate us deeper....! America been bad, we been sooooo bad, and you all hate us sooooo good! Yes! YES! More..!”

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