Thursday, August 25th, 2011
(TRIPOLI) —To world: Go easy on Gadhafi. He was not breastfed as a child.
Somewhere from the deep recesses where Libyan dictator Muammar Gadhafi is hiding, the embattled strongman is issuing a schizoid concoction of condemnations and pleas for mercy, the strangest being that he is not to blame for his actions because his was not “breastfed adequately” when he was a child.
NATO-backed Libyan rebels who had finally overran Gadhafi’s notoriously vast compound of Bab al-Aziziya in Tripoli were met with eerie broadcasts of their deposed leader Wednesday and Thursday. In taped messages on local radio, Gadhafi attempted to explain his actions as president and his handling of the now six-month long uprising, as well as remaining defiant in the midst of his evaporating regime. Gadhafi called his retreat from Bab al-Aziziya “tactical,” and vowed “martyrdom” or victory against the rebel alliance. But then, in an sharp (but certainly not out of character) conversational detour, the flamboyant Gadhafi began appealing to the rebels’ and international community’s sense of forgiveness and understanding. Reuters news service was able to translate much of Gadhafi’s statement:
“And if I am captured, and will not be in control of my bones, I pray the opposition realizes that I am to be pitied, not punished. I have suffered, too. For one, I was not breastfed when I was born, like most babies. I never received the comfort of the nipple, the warm embrace of a mother feeding and the nurishment of her nectar. That can scar a man for life. That is a serious deprivation, my brothers. I’m talking rough shit here! That can obscure a leader’s sense of right and wrong. …And I am sorry if I have displayed any of those traits recently. It was a manifestation of my eternal longing for the nipple; a yearning I was never able to control.”
-Colonel Muammar Gadhafi, 8/25/11
As bizarre as Gadhafi’s tearful, defeated admission may seem, it may be doing more to turn the tide of the Libyan battle in Gadhafi’s favor than any secret weapon or diehard troops defending him.
Across Tripoli Thursday, rebel troops privy to Gadhafi’s broadcast laid down their arms and renewed a call for negotiations between them and the remaining pro-Gadhafi factions. “This news of (Gadhafi’s) lack of being breastfed when he was a baby certainly has shed new light on who we are fighting and why,” said rebel leader Mahmoud Jibril, of the National Transitional Council. “If Gadhafi had said this months ago, I doubt all of this bloodshed would have been necessary…We would have worked out a deal by now to allow Gadhafi to remain in power and set up a joint-governance with the opposition. You can’t be too hard on a man who never knew what it was like to receive his mother’s milk. I actually pity Gadhafi right now.”
In the Hague, where the International Criminal Court has been compiling evidence to try Gadhafi and his sons for crimes against humanity, there was an abrupt halt to the prosecution’s preparation upon news of Gadhafi’s infancy without nipple nourishment. Said Luis Moreno-Ocampo, lead prosecutor for the ICC Wednesday, “If (Gadhafi’s) claims of not being breastfed as a child are true, that would indeed hamper any prosecution of his crimes, if not excuse them altogether.”
The now deposed Libyan dictator continued to defend himself from his undisclosed hiding place over the radio, claiming that although his mother was not generally neglectful, she did not provide the nourishment “a child needs” growing up in his family’s Bedouin tent outside of the town of Sirte during World War II. “Mama Gadhafi was no apathelite,” continued Gadhafi Thursday. “She was too hard at work to take time to breastfeed me, which as we all now know can cause a permanent lack of production of serotonin within the human brain, and cause a sporadic displacement of dopamine within the upper temporal lobe, creating various personality disorders….This is true, my brothers.”
Son’s Excuses Also Pulling at Opponent’s Heartstrings
As for Gadhafi’s youngest son and heir apparent, Saif al-Islam, there is firm documentation he was breastfed as a baby. However, the dictator’s son has claimed since June that an accident with an “overly heated” cup of McDonald’s fast food coffee years ago may have impeded his judgment on many issues and raised his anger levels to “irrational extremes.”
According to former regime insiders, Saif al-Islam Gadhafi suffered a “debilitating” spill of hot McDonald’s coffee on his lap at a drive-through in early 1996. According to sources once close to the chosen successor, Saif not only sued McDonald’s for making their coffee dangerously too hot, but then oversaw the infamous Abu Salim prison massacre in Tripoli later that year. Former Abu Salim inmate Hussein al-Shafa'I said he saw Saif al-Islam there for the killings of an estimated 1,200 political prisoners, ranting about the unfair temperature of McDonald’s coffee the entire time.
“Saif walked among the bodies after they had been shot,” said al-Shafa’I to Duh Progressive via phone interview Wednesday. “After all the prisoners were confirmed dead, Saif stormed from the prison courtyard, muttering, ‘(Expletive) McDonald’s has no business making their coffee so (expletive) hot in the first place!’ …He was still clearly shaken.”
Western Leaders Weep At News of Gadhafis’ Hardships
Such heart-wrenching stories are meant to explain much of the Gadhafi regime’s behavior and policies over the last four decades, namely its ruthless crackdown against regime foes beginning in February. Although powerless to prosecute the Gadhafi family and other regime officials, an outcry of sympathy and “understanding” has erupted from the United Nations Security Council and representatives from liberal Western nations.
British Security Council Representative, Sir Mark Lyall Grant, openly wept on the floor of the United Nations Thursday as the details of the Gadhafis’ misfortunes we relayed to Council members. “This poor chap, Muammar, we have misunderstood him for years. He kept his lack of breastfeeding a secret. Why? Oh, Lord, WHY?! …And now it may be too late to reconcile with him. He needs a hug. It’s just a terrible situation, all around.”
Added Grant, “And the story of his son and the coffee burn –who can’t relate to that. Certainly these revelations are cause to cut the Gadhafis considerable slack. They may even be put back into positions of authority in the new government, granted they’re not blown to bits first.
“When I met him in the desert years ago, I knew there was something deeply troubling this man,” said former British Prime Minister Tony Blair to the BBC Thursday. “I knew he was disturbed. He had sponsored terror attacks, wars, and murdered his citizens by the bushel. I just wish I would have known no one had breastfed him as a child. I would have wept on his shoulder right then. All should be forgiven.”
Members of the U.S. State Department have also joined the chorus of compassion for the Gadhafis now that sound, reasonable excuses for their behavior are emerging. During a meeting of soon-to-be repatriated Libyans in Istanbul, Turkey, Deputy Secretary of State William J. Burns expressed regret Thursday of learning of Muammar and Saif al-Islam Gadhafi’s woes over the years, and promised the U.S. would do everything to ensure they are treated humanely and receive the lightest punishment if put on trial.
“Their excuses for megalomania and tyrannical butchery are heartfelt and universal,” said Burns to the stunned group of exiles Thursday. Burns said that if there is any nation out there use to hearing the most far-flung, inane excuses for the most heinous deeds, it is the United States. “We’ve had people say they went insane and murdered people because they had eaten too many Twinkies. We’ve had people say they went berserk and murdered people because they had been molested –or knew of someone who had been molested; because they grew up in bad neighborhoods; they were abused; on drugs; had Restless Leg Syndrome, unexplained herpes; or found out that their uncle had a glass eye. …So yes, these excuses for wholesale slaughter by the Gadhafis are indeed valid where I come from, and should be respected at all costs.”
From Martha’s Vineyard, where catastrophic Hurricane Irene threatens to bring devastating floods and disrupt President Obama’s golf game, sources say even the President was touched by Gadhafi’s pleas for leniency due to not having been breastfed.
“The President is very empathetic to those who have ‘mother issues’ and rocky childhoods,” an undisclosed White House source said Thursday. “(Obama) still believes change must come to Libya. But he is aware of Mr. Gadhafi’s ‘nursing issue’ and can relate. Mr. Obama also knows what it is like to be burned by coffee that is too hot, and the stress and anger associated with quitting smoking. Plus, there’s always the economy: Mr. Obama can always relate to world leaders who run their nation’s economies into the ground.”