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Hank Williams Apologizes...To Hitler

(From WIRES)

Thursday, October 6th, 2011,

(NASHVILLE, TN) —Heartfelt?  Yes...  Good example of damage control?  Ehh, not so much.

     Weathering the fallout from likening President Obama to Hitler on Fox News’ morning show “Fox and Friend” Monday, country singer Hank Williams made an emphatic, mournful public apology Wednesday…to Hitler. 

     Having his signature song, “All My Rowdy Friends” promptly yanked by ESPN and facing the prospect of performing only at the Aleutian Island Annual Fair in the near future, the nearly aphasic Williams attempted some image repair Wednesday, but may have placed himself in even more hot water than before.   “I have always been very passionate about Politics and Sports and this time it got the Best or Worst of me,” read Williams’ statement on his Facebook page.  “I never intended to actually compare President Obama to Adolf Hitler.  Hitler is nothing like that madman.”  

    Such a statement could have been excused as a simple typo or a sloppy misprint in the midst of a drunken stupor had not the country star and staunch Obama opponent went on to elaborate.

 “Just look at the two guys,” continued Williams.  “Hitler: decorated war hero.  Obama: a snotty Ivy Leaguer who never wore a uniform in his life, not even as a waiter (that would mean a private job).  …Hitler:  pulled his nation out of a Depression.  Obama: plunging our nation into one. …Hitler:  wanted every German to have a car.  Obama:  wants every American to drive some wind-powered thimble on wheels. …Hitler:  had a hot, fun-loving mistress that didn’t embarrass him.  Obama: “SWM” (Stuck With Michele).  Poor bastard…”  

     Apparently not finding the hole he had initially dug for himself deep enough, Williams continued comparing the two world leaders with the following examples:

A.)   Obama:  an admittedly helpless cigarette addict and rumored alcohol abuser

  Hitler:   staunch anti-smoker who never touched alcohol


B.)    Obama:  eats meat like a fiend, from burgers to wings to lobster, caviar, veal, ostrich, conjoined emu twins, even the endangered Madagascan gerbil fetus

  Hitler:   devout vegetarian and animal rights advocate


C.)   Obama:  allows his vice president to run around and embarrass the piss out of him with a new gaffe every day

Hitler:  sent his troublesome Second-in-Command off to Britain to be imprisoned for the rest of his life


D.)  Obama:  ended NASA’s human space exploration program indefinitely

Hitler:  developed rockets and jets that birthed the very age of human space exploration


E.)   Obama:  promised “shovel-ready” jobs, but has failed to create a single one

Hitler:  created millions of shovel-ready jobs all over Europe (bodies, ashes, rubble, etc.)


F.)   Obama:  defunding and reducing the size of the military. weakening America’s military standardizing (sic) in the world

 Hitler:  little more pro-military type. Had more GDP allocated to defense spending.  rallied troops.


G.)   Obama:  sets up some creepy, lame-ass AttackWatch.com to track his political opponents

 Hitler:  simply executed his opponents and got it the hell over with


H.)  Obama:  remained close friends with radical ideologues throughout his career

Hitler:  solved embarrassing friendships by executing them, too


I.)    Obama:  never met a golf course he didn’t fall in love with.  Plays golf all day while American families struggle to get by

Hitler:  looked down on golf as a lazy, bourgeois pastime


J.)     Obama: rapidly losing support among his base

Hitler:   base remained so loyal they shot themselves


K.)   Obama:  loves to go around the world apologizing for America

Hitler:  not really big on apologies.  little harder to get an “I’m sorry” out of… could be a little strident that way, ya know?


L.)   Obama:  “Not politically expedient.  Besides, I need their donations too much for my re-election bid.”

Hitler:  “Screw donations, I’m killing the Jews anyway!”


M.)  Obamaknows  he is God

Hitler:  only thought he was God

     “I’m just trying to clear the air here,” Williams concluded Wednesday. “It was never my intent to honestly compare the two men. I’m sorry if my comments offended anyone…especially you, Hitler.”

     Needless to say, ESPN officials are not seeking to make amends with the 62-year-old country star, insisting they are pulling Mr. Williams’ from their Monday night football broadcast indefinitely. Mr. Williams attempt to rectify his original gaffe has not “resolved the situation,” according to ESPN a press release Thursday.    

   “We doubt if Mr. Williams’ explanation of his original comments will restore his relationship between him and the ESPN community,” read the network’s statement.    “Apologizing to Hitler doesn’t improve matters, either.” 


     Comparing America’s chief executive to history’s greatest monster has become as traditional as mom and apple pie, but some experts are calling Hank Williams’ Obama–Hitler comparison too insidious to be ignored, a true game changer. 

     Besides committing the already cardinal sin of likening a Democrat to Adolf Hitler, Hank Williams’ compounding comments Wednesday may have ignited a long overdue debate in America: should we compare any president we disagree with to the worst mass murderer in history?  

     More so, should ordinary citizens compare anyone they disagree with on anything (politics, religion, sports, food, movies, music…“Son, do your homework!” … “F**k you, mom, Hitler wanted people to do their homework, too!” … “Dallas vs. Redskins = Hitler vs. Mother Teresa…”) to Hitler?

     Always the voice of reason and cohesion, documentary film maker Michael Moore said on HBO’s Real Time With Bill Maher Wednesday that Williams’ likening Obama to Hitler may spell the beginning of the end of Americans of all spectrums comparing their president to Hitler. “It was all fun and games when (George W.) Bush was in office. But these (statements) from Williams are just too egregious and cast a new light on the entire ‘our-president-is-like-Hitler’ craze. We may be witnessing the last of it. We need to rediscover when it is and is not appropriate to compare our leaders to Hitler.”


     For his part, Der Fuhrer is taking Williams likening him to Barack Obama in stride. Issuing a press release from Hell Thursday, the former German leader said he was not offended by Williams’ Obama comparison, and was too busy “chill-axin” in his eternally blazing “crib” and searching for fresh bong water to muster any hostility towards the aging Grammy winner.

   “Like, shit, it’s all cool. It’s all cool, dog,” the former dictator said in his statement. “We all get little hot and blow it too soon up in here sometimes, so shit’s cool wif me. Nigguz be stressin, I knows it! I understand. Peeps wanna be like comparin me to shit. Whatever. Shit’s all cool. We straight, we straight!”

     Added the 122-year-old Hitler, “Still never played no sissy ass golf though."


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