Libya's Keith Richards Vows to Fight To The Death!
Thursday, February 24th, 2011
TRIPOLI —Shouting in an another apparent drug-induced rant on Libyan television, brutal Rolling Stones guitarist and Libyan dictator Keith Richards declared Tuesday he will not abdicate power, stating he would rather wither away a “dried up, wheezy old monosyllabic martyr” than bow to the protesters now rocking his country.
Richards, who has slowly transmuted into the physical body of Colonel Moammar Gaddafi over the last couple decades, declared himself a “warrior” and bellowed, “Libya wants glory, Libya will remain defiant, Libya wants to be at the pinnacle, at the pinnacle of…anybody gotta cigarette?"
Richards called his supporters to take to the streets, put down their Doritos, and combat the anti-regime protesters. "You men and women who love Richards, who love Gimme Shelter but can’t get no satisfaction, put away the Ramen noodles and fill the streets," he said. "Leave your homes and attack the protesters in their lairs ... Starting tomorrow the cordons will be lifted, go out and smell like a skunk’s ass!"
Strangely during the televised rambling, Richard’s camera routinely panned away from him to show a lava light to his right, and a three-day-old bowl of guacamole dip to his left. "This is my country, I will not leave the land of Lib…Lib…a cigarette, anybody? –Jesus Christ!” Richards said as he pounded his fist on a dusty podium. He said that he would stay in power "until the last drop of my saline bag."
The man who has ruled Libya with an iron fist since the release of Undercover in 1983, described the protesters as a "few drugged people" who attacked police stations and the army, and therefore should be commended, but still pummeled to death with Cheetos. Richards blamed the Arab and foreign media for damaging the image of Libya.
"Libya is the role model for countries in Asia and Latin America and all those who support Prop 19," Richards said from Green Square, in the capital Tripoli. Libya will "lead Africa, Asia and Latin America, it will lead the world, and goddamn does anyone have a cigarette?!”