Thursday, November 3rd, 2011,
(WASHINGTON) —The old phrase “pimpin’ ain’t easy” may be true, but apparently being a deposed and executed dictator is. Just two weeks after his supposed capture and death, Libya’s former leader, Muammar Gadhafi, was reportedly alive and well, partying like a rock star in Washington DC this past weekend.
According to sources, the former African strongman was seen throughout last weekend drinking and hobnobbing in DC’s Georgetown area, as well as dropping in to the National Press Club, Crystal City (Virginia), DC’s famous Old Ebbitt Grill, and even doing a brief bit at the DC Improv, apparently completely unfazed by being summarily executed on October 20th by a mishmash of foreign American-hating Islamic jiha…excuse us, we mean “legitimate Libyan rebels humbly concerned about the fate of their homeland.” Yeah, that’s it.
In any case, Gadhafi appeared in Georgetown’s Clyde’s restaurant Saturday night, laughing it up and drinking dirty martinis (coincidentally the same amount and brand consumed by Duh Progressive's producer. Imagine that.).
Joking all the way at the Old Ebbitt Grill, the Colonel bantered with fellow patrons, “Look, this whole ‘being dead thing’ has its perks: the people here are great, and I can get my martinis just as dirty as I like," said Gadhafi. “…Look, I’m here having fun, everyone here is having a good time. I’m dead. I’m drunk…shit, does anyone have a cigar?”
Needless to say, the ousted dictator eventually found his way to Shelly’s, one of Washington’s only cigar bars and a place where freedom is still free (i.e. smoking). But according to the deposed North African madman, Georgetown may be the spot he should have been camped out in all along. Flanked by one of his infamous female body guards, Gadhafi complimented the staff of Georgetown’s Old Glory Bar on their hospitality.
“Being a longtime enemy of America, I am shocked –really shocked– by how candid everyone is here in its capital is being; again, just another perk of being dead now,” said the Colonel Saturday night…or was it Sunday? Monday? Or who cares…
Added the Colonel to reporters, “And, shit, do they not make a mean martini down here! Whoo!”
Adams Morgan resident and fellow patron of Georgetown’s Mr. Smith’s restaurant and bar, Darcy Bardoun, 26, said of Gadhafi’s attendance, “This dead Arab dictator walked into this bar Saturday night (or Monday, whatever…) with this blonde body guard. I was shocked and offended. But then he walked over and gave my butt a squeeze. Man, he reeked of Jameson! But that’s when I realized, ‘Ya know, he might not be all that bad…At least not compared to the swarm of jihadists now going to turn Libya into the new hotbed of Islamic militantism that...” (whatever. yeah. who cares. never mind that part. anyway…)
“These people are a lot like me, we get along,” said Gadhafi on Sunday…Satur…Whatevernight, “They have ridiculous goatees, like me. And they’re all about this walking Christmas tree look I have going on. They have no sense of fashion. I'm feelin' the love already.”
“What can I say?” added Gadhafi. “They’re my peeps!”
An estimated 1,600 photos of the deposed Bedouin strongman were taken by partygoers throughout the course of his four-day visit to Washington, with at least 600 photos taken in Georgetown Monday night…or Sunday, or both, or who cares –we were awake for nearly four days straight and are really fighting back the urge to puke on our/my laptop right now.
“You can’t stop me from partying in this town,” said Gadhafi as he got/is getting increasingly intoxicated while writing this article. “I’m dead as hell, so f**k it –drinks are on me! Thanks, NATO!”
The self-proclaimed “king of kings of Africa” also claimed he first came to the nation’s capital feeling “a bit apprehensive” about fitting in, but soon fell into the crowds, locals, and nightlife, swiftly discovering he was no longer alone among those who believe they are the center of the universe.
Said Gadhafi to reporters in Georgetown Monday at some point, “I can relate to these people here. They’re my type. This guy over here, he’s only 23 years old, but thinks he has the power of life or death over people because he is the Assistant Secretary of Communications to the Deputy Director of the Office of Native American Relations of North Dakota’s congressman. Now that’s an attitude I can relate to! Rock on, bro!”
“And over at that last bar I was in,” added Gadhafi, “there was that girl who grew up rich and hates herself, so she pretends now to be superior to everyone else because she throws some schizophrenic hobo a few dollars once and a while –again, illogical arrogance I can relate to. That’s my kinda chick…My kinda town, actually! Maybe I’ll check out the real estate situation here while I’m at it.”