Thursday, December 8, 2011,
(NEW YORK) —New York business tycoon Donald Trump was attacked by a crazed tanning bed Wednesday night, according to police.
The unexpected attack took place as Trump was lounging in his ritzy SoHo Hotel & Spa after a long day of campaigning for former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and so increasing his already repulsive ubiquity among even more facets of American life.
The rogue tanning bed reportedly left the Apprentice host and serial presidency contemplator with serious wounds to his already plastic, aging skin, as well as his judgment of good taste and seasonal appropriateness. The tanning bed escaped and is still at-large, according to authorities. It was last seen outside New York City, heading in a northwesterly direction, presumably trying to escape to the safety of New York state’s dense countryside.
Officials say Trump’s leathery skin and bloated sense of self-worth are expected to make a full recovery.
Police are advising residents everywhere from Bethel, to Oneonta, Albany, and Utica to be on the lookout for a Jade brand tanning bed, Pro-Sun model #5-B. Authorities are especially warning younger, celebrity-obsessed Americans with IQ’s below three digits to be particularly on guard.
“This tanning bed has made an attempt on Trump’s skin and ego, and there’s no telling who else it may choose to turn a ridiculous color,” said Superintendent of the New York State Police Joseph A. D’Amico Wednesday. “It could incinerate anyone who startles it —anyone, from your average voter to some other synthetic wanna-be-celebrity-king-god-creature with obscenely obvious abandonment issues.”
Sandra Galsimahi, Trump’s spokesperson for the day, naturally tried to calm the fears of the public and other habitually tacky-tanned celebrities, like Pamela Anderson and the Jersey Shore’s Pauly…well, the Jersey Shore.
“Mr. Trump has had run-ins with unruly tanning beds in the past, but this was by far the worst attack yet,” said Galsimahi Thursday morning, adding that Trump had used this particular tanning bed before, and believed it to be on friendly terms with him by now (like having his tan level set beyond nuclear meltdown level).
“Let this be a lesson to old, phony Republican media whores everywhere,” said Galsimahi Wednesday. “No matter how long you may have known your tanning bed or how well you think you have trained it, these beds are naturally wild, unpredictable creatures, and they will strike if they feel threatened or overworked.”
Added Galsimahi, “I think it’s safe to assume this particular bed felt drastically overworked. Big time.''