by Jack Lakeman, DP Editor-in-Chief
Wednesday, December 21st, 2011,
NORTH POLE —The North Pole is in chaos, lawyers are on the move, and Christmas 2011 hangs in the balance after Santa’s reindeer formally filed a petition refusing to fly with fellow and lead reindeer, Rudolph, Tuesday.
The reason: fellow reindeer fear the famous red-nosed fawn of being a Muslim jihadist.
Citing Rudolph’s disturbing appearance and violent religious rhetoric, Santa’s sleigh pullers are terrified to even allow Rudolph on their team, let alone in their lead; fearing the admitted Islamic reindeer may fly them into people’s roofs instead of onto them.
“He’s been immersing himself deeper and deeper into the Koran and its more radical excerpts,” said fellow Santa reindeer Blitzen to reporters Wednesday. Speaking from Santa’s North Pole compound, Blitzen said he is spearheading the petition to remove Rudolph from Santa’s flight team.
“The beard and the turban and his constant shouts of ‘Death to the Western imperialists!’ are themselves upsetting,” continued Blitzen. “But when Rudolph started bringing his AK-47 onto our toy factory floor, that’s when we knew he was a danger.”
Meanwhile, the big man himself, Saint Nicholas, remains confused and distraught; caught in the middle —admitting that al-Rudolfi’s’ behavior and appearance have become quite worrisome, however he is still reluctant to bench his star reindeer and guiding light Saturday night. Such reluctance has put Santa in the midst of a growing cultural/religious battle now threatening to turn legal, as American Civil Liberties Union attorneys say they will fight tooth and nail to ensure Rudolph does not become the victim of discrimination. Rudolph’s ACLU attorney, Joel Steinenbaumenberg, said Wednesday the civil rights group will not tolerate al-Rudolfi being singled out due to his religious proclivities, or for the fact he now carries an AK-47 and 20 pounds of plastic explosives for no particular reason.
With the ACLU promising legal action, Santa Claus in turmoil, and the rest of his reindeer scared shitless, Christmas 2011 has suddenly and unexpectedly been left hanging by a thread, threatened for the first time in centuries to deprive the world’s Christians of their celestial gifts...
Christmas is in crisis!
Rudolph and Islam: A Tainted History
As early as November, the Department of Homeland Security warned of possible al-Qaeda attacks during Christmas. However, according to DHS officials, the department never expected a possible terrorist threat from the North Pole, let alone from one of Santa Claus’ adorable flying troupe. But other government agencies are not as surprised.
According to FBI reports, Rudolph’s delve into radical Islam began after Christmas 2008, when Rudolph was arrested for allegedly embezzling a measly $120 in Christmas gifts. Although his first offense, and a misdemeanor at that, North Pole authorities decided to make an example of Rudolph, sentencing him to six months in jail.
Claim FBI sources, Rudolph became cellmates with former and disgraced Santa reindeer, “Shitzen,” who by then was going by the name “Mohammad al-Shitzah Shabbaz." It was al-Shitzah Shabbaz, claims the FBI, who first introduced Rudolph to Islam, convincing the baby-faced fawn to convert and assume the name “Mohammad al-Rudolfi.” And now it is Mohammad al-Rudolfi (Rudolph) who is scheduled to head the world’s most important flight of the year, something Blitzen and the others are determined to prevent.
“We knew Rudol…excuse me, ‘Mohammad al-Rudolfi,’ was dealt with pretty harshly in his prison sentence,” said fellow reindeer Donner to reporters Tuesday, “but that is no excuse for his current behavior and statements. We’re scared of him and the direction he may lead our team Christmas Eve.”
According to the eight reindeer, since 2009 Rudolph has been on record stating such things as, “If we have to fly over Israel, those damn Jew pigs will get what they deserve!” And of Santa Claus himself, “That fat infidel swine has no place on this Earth, let alone on my sleigh!”
As late as last week, Rudolph stated on his Facebook page that reindeer Prancer’s sexuality was “an affront to Allah” and that he and fellow gay reindeer, Dancer, “may be getting a lump of TNT in their stockings this X-mas,” followed by, “I originally thought of sticking it in their infidel rectums, but they may enjoy that too much!”
Such statements are naturally putting Santa’s token gay reindeer on edge. Said Prancer and Dancer from their shared apartment Wednesday, “Al-Rudolfi’s comments are not only intolerant and hurtful, but dangerous; emblematic of his extreme interpretation of his ‘religion of peace’… We are not flying with him December 24th under any circumstances.”
Christmas In Chaos: What Happens Now?
The eight reindeer’s refusal to fly Christmas Eve has left Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick not feeling so jolly, scrambling to calm fears, quite Rudolph, and find other reindeer magically possessed with the power of flight to replace Blitzen, Prancer, Dancer, Donner, Dasher, Cupid, Comet and Vixen (who recently Rudolph denounced as a “cheap, Godless whores of the Capitalists”).
Lamented a teary-eyed Santa during an emergency press briefing Wednesday, “Look, I’m caught in the middle here, okay? I’m trying to calm everyone down. I can’t ban Ru…’al-Rudolfi’ because of the ACLU; And I can’t replace my other reindeer without approval by the United Reindeer’s Union, Local 16, and I can’t let Rudolph fly without his Kalashnikov because of the NRA! I’m doing my best here, all right?! …And to top it all off, Michelle Obama says my weight sends a dangerous message to the world’s children.”
Added Claus, “Bitch!”
Santa’s worries are hardly unjustified. ACLU attorneys are hot on Cringle’s heels to ensure al-Rudolfi keeps his seat Christmas Eve, despite the strips of ammunition crossing his chest, AK-47, turban, beard, and box cutter. Reports are that Santa has contacted the TSA to help thoroughly search Rudolph before Friday’s flight, but without Rudolph being an 80-year-old white lady or an 8-year-old quadriplegic, there is little the TSA claims it can do.
Commented TSA Administrator John S. Pistole to Duh Progressive Tuesday, “We are not arbiters of who is allowed on a flight just because of their strict love of Islam or any religion, or their love of automatic weapons and explosives, or their hatred of the infidels, or how loudly they scream ‘Allahu Akbar,’ as Rudolph now does on a daily basis.”
Added Pistole, “Not only is this not our jurisdiction, but we have no reason to deprive al-Rudolfi of his explosives and Kalashnikov for Friday night’s flight. However his hotel bottle of shampoo has to go!”
Santa and his reindeer will simply have to keep a close eye on Rudolph Christmas Eve, granted that tempers subside and an agreement between al-Rudolfi and the rest of the team can be reached in time, and Rudolph not be allowed to recite any Christian or Jewish prayers while in flight.
Al-Rudolfi, In His Own Words
At the center of the cultural and legal mayhem now holding Christmas 2010 hostage, there is Rudolph himself, assuring Santa, his fellow reindeer, and the world they have nothing to fear Christmas Eve, and that trepidation of his Muslim faith is just that: fears of an ignorant and unjust Western society and “deserves whatever it gets.”
Al-Rudolfi issued a press release Wednesday in an attempt to alleviate those fears, stating:
“My devotion to Allah should be of no concern to the infidels and Jews who have Santa and the other reindeer in their pocket. These fears and accusations of my intentions Christmas Eve are totally misplaced.
“So what if I like wearing a two-foot beard? –I hate shaving. And about the turban: it’s freakin’ cold up here, and I hate hats! …These plastic explosives I’ve been hoarding for months? –well, everyone needs a hobby. Some collect coins or stamps; I collect pound upon pound of C4. And this AK-47 I carry around now? –since when has it been a crime for a reindeer to exercise his Second Amendment rights?”
Continued Rudolph, “I am being maligned by the Western media, the Zionists, and the Godless vermin in this region. I will excuse these insults and paranoia for now, but come Christmas Day they must cease, or else I must issue a fatwa against those propagating them!”
Rudolph added that if so many of his flying cohorts have a problem with his strict faith, they are more than welcome to leave Friday’s global gift giving to him, and he alone. Said al-Rudolfi, “I will fly the sleigh and deliver the world’s gifts myself. I will fly straight into…I mean, onto the roofs of every infidel out there and give them exactly what they deserve for Christmas… Allahu Akbar!”
Rudolph’s rebelling compatriots must either drop their push to have Rudolph suspended from Saturday night’s flight, claims the ACLU’s Steinenbergenbaumstinman, or face stiff legal repercussions. The same threat applies to Santa, too, if Rudolph is unjustly benched this Christmas.
But the eight reindeer are holding firm; too frightened to fly with al-Rudolfi Christmas Eve, leaving Friday’s flight in limbo and a world on edge, wondering what will it awake to December 25th: a Merry Christmas…or a Merry Crisis?