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- George Will

Taliban on U.S. Troop Urination Video: ''We're actually into that kinky shit''

 

 

 

by Ledge Slater, eternal intern

Saturday, January 14th, 2012

(KANDAHAR) ―Responding to the growing scandal of a leaked video showing U.S. Marines urinating on the corpses of Taliban fighters, the Taliban released a formal statement Friday condemning the deaths of their comrades, however shocked the world when addressing the urination in particular, stating, “…But about the whole pissing thing: that’s all cool. We’re actually into that kinky shit.”

    From his undisclosed location in Kandahar, Taliban spokesman Zabiullah Mujahid confirmed the radical Islamist group’s “kinky shit” statement Saturday. “Yes, the pointing (by the U.S. Marines in the video) at our fallen martyrs, the laughing, the joking at their expense that behavior we abhor and condemn,” said Mujahid to the Duh Progressive in a phone interview. “It is despicable and typical of American forces. However the peeing part? …Well, it, you know, gave us a little tingle ‘down there’, you know? Kind of like your Chris Matthews and that thrill he gets up his leg when he hears Obama speak. At least used to.”

    By now the breathtaking video has been aired on thousands of news outlets around the world. In it four U.S. Marines stand over the freshly killed bodies of three supposed Taliban fighters, who are after all only fighting for their freedom (to enslave), and relieving themselves on their bloodied, mangled bodies while laughing. And whether or not being urinated on is something the Taliban says it gets a certain jittery, abstract sexual kick out of, U.S. officials have expressed outrage at the conduct of the Marines (as they fight to ensure the freedom that allows them to be outraged and condemn them), and are admittedly very pissed (off).

    “We know that war always brings out the most noble and cultivated behavior in men everywhere,” said Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta to reporters Friday. “Which is why this video is so shameful. It counters every ounce of decorum all nations expect from their soldiers when put in excruciatingly terrifying situations, like war. And it is particularly disgraceful for us in the U.S., who are supposed to rise above such crude behavior when facing death every day.”

    “We don’t care how ‘kinky’ or arousing the Taliban find being pissed on be they alive or dead,” continued Panetta. “We find this behavior from our war-racked servicemen deplorable!”

     Panetta promised a thorough investigation into the bodily urination by U.S. forces following intense, close combat, and to punish all personnel involved in the horrid display of unprecedented depravity.

    From the capital of Kabul, Afghan President Hamid Karzai decried the killings of his…sorry, ‘the’ Taliban insurgents, but also took time to express his curious stimulation at the sight of four dirty, sweaty, ragged, hulking American soldiers relieving themselves on the bodies of his fallen countrymen.

    “I must admit, the video is quite disturbing,” said Karzai Friday. “But the urination was a nice touch to the usual gruesome scenes of battle. There’s been so much killing and violence in our country over the last ten years or a thousand. I can't really recall that it’s nice to have some arousing kinkiness happen on the battlefield from time to time.  It’s kind of a relief. Pun intended.

    While France, China, Iran, France, Russia, France, Pakistan, France and France have all publicly condemned the urination on the Taliban soldiers, conspicuously absent was uproar from not only the Taliban, but other fundamentalist Muslim leaders in the region.

    According to the Pakistani-based radical Islamic group, Al-Aqsa Avengers of the Movie Ishtar, the killing of Taliban freedom fighters is one thing, however, “We must respect the uro-erotic nature of these certain U.S. troops,” said Muhammad Saiudif, the leader of the group.

   “You must understand,” said Saiudif Saturday, “we fundamentalist Muslims have a lot of sexual frustration, a lot of pent up sexual angst, and it sometimes manifests itself in appreciating the more bizarre forms of affection —being pissed among the top of those forms.  It is quite popular, indeed.”

    Saiudif explained that from generations of oppressed sexual yearnings, which Western societies have allowed to exist and flourish, making them into the Hell-bound, soulless infidels they lovingly are today, Islamic societies have successfully suppressed overall sexual desire, thus forcing it to escape —when it sporadically does— through more non-conventional methods.

   “Just ask any radical Muslim you know,” continued Saiudif, “and you'll find they're in to all kinds of weird shit —scatophilia, necrophilia, bondage, asphyxiation, livestock, the 'altitudinally challenged' (i.e. midgets), candle wax on the gennies, even the occasional child rape.”

   Added Saiudif, “'Occasional'?  Ha!  Yeah, right!”

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