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Bounty Put On President Obama for Capture and Enrollment In American Civics Class

by Jack Lakeman, DP Editor-In-Chief

Wednesday, April 4th, 2012,

(WASHINGTON) —Republicans on Capitol Hill launched an unprecedented and strikingly hostile attack on President Obama Wednesday, announcing they were offering $100,000 for the “capture and, if necessary, forced enrollment” of the President into a high school (or even junior high) level America Civics course.  

     The House’s Republican leaders’ unhinged assault and threat comes in the notorious wake of the $10,000 bounty the National Black Panthers placed on Florida teen shooter George Zimmerman.   Now hopping on the apparent national bounty-placing bandwagon, Republicans cited President Obama’s April 2nd warnings to the Supreme Court on why they should uphold his national healthcare overhaul for why he needed to be “brought before a U.S. Civics” or “American Government 101” course.

     Obama said last Monday that the Supreme Court’s rejection of the healthcare law would be an example of “judicial activism,” where “an un-elected group of people would somehow overturn a duly constituted and passed law;” an extraordinary act Obama inferred the Court would be out of bounds to determine.

   “We are taking this unparalleled step to help bring the President closer to an American Government 101 course than ever,” said House Speaker John Boehner of Obama, a former constitutional law professor at Harvard University.  “It is stunning that a one-time professor of the constitution can still be unaware there are three branches of the U.S. government, and that they are all supposed to function in a system called ‘checks and balances;’ keeping each other in line.”

     Boehner (R-OH) added that the $100,000 would go to any person or group of people, aside from Obama himself, who would take it upon themselves to force the 44th president to sit in a U.S. government classroom and learn or re-fresh himself with the duties of each of the three federal branches.

     For example, explained Boehner, if Congress passes a bill the Executive does not like, he can veto it.   Likewise, if the Executive and Congress both like it and someone else does not, that someone else can work their way before the Supreme Court and argue the law to be unconstitutional.   And if the SCOTUS rules the law unconstitutional, added Boehner, then Congress can begin drafting what some ancient mystics refer to as a “constitutional amendment.”

   “We know the existence of a third ‘judiciary’ arm of government may be news to the President, him being a constitutional scholar and all…” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) Wednesday, “and the fact the highest rung of that branch can strike down any law, even ones voted for by most –no, let’s say every‒ member of Congress it deems unconstitutional may be equally surprising to (Obama). …This is why it is most important to get the President enrolled in an American Civics class right away.  We’re offering 100-grand to anyone who can get him to do it.   We’ll even accept (Obama) sitting with his daughter, Malia, in her civics class –that’d way he could learn about the three branches of government and get in some family time.   It’d be a win–win!”

      However White House Press Secretary James Carney was quick to point out Wednesday that offering money, i.e. a “bounty,” for the forced physical placement of the President in a junior high or high school classroom constituted “advocating the kidnapping of a public official” and was highly illegal, not to mention unacceptable.  

     Said Carney when asked by reporters during his daily press briefing, “Look, the President is already very upset over the discovery of this alleged third ‘Judge-Judy branch’ of government, and it would certainly not help matters if someone were to physically force him to attend an eighth grade civics class.”  

    “It appears this is, again, a clear case of radical, far-right opponents of Mr. Obama’s wanting to obstruct his agenda for the American people and help destroy his administration for political gain,” added Carney.  “It’s one thing to physically threaten the president of the United States. But when someone physically threatens to make the president learn about all three branches of government and the Supreme Court in particular…that is above and beyond abhorrent.”

    “That’s the tricky thing about the Supreme Court,” said Larry P. Lenn, a social studies teacher in Washington’s Banneker High School, “sometimes they rule in a way another branch of the federal government doesn’t like.   Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, you know?”

     Banneker said he was currently teaching his daily classes how a bill becomes a law and was going to be moving on to how the federal judiciary can impact those laws before the end of the school year. “No matter how many times the legislature or executive branches voted on the laws, or how important the Executive thinks they are, the Court may still find them unconstitutional,” said Lenn to Duh Progressive.

    Lenn, 49, said he could make room for the nation’s Commander-in-Chief if Obama decides he needs to go back to school and increase his knowledge of the judicial branch of the national government.    Lamented Lenn to Duh Progressive Wednesday, “I know they don’t teach them a whole lot up at that crummy old Harvard Law School.   But I’m sorry, ‘elected’ or not, the Justices are still the final arbiters of whether a law is constitutional. …Sorry, Mr. President.”

    “I understand Obama’s frustration,” added Lenn, “but don’t worry, Mr. Obama, we’re only a few blocks up the street from the White House; you’re always welcome to drop by and have 13-year-old Kareem or Tasha or Justin here help you understand how this how executive-legislature-judicial-thing works.   We’ll hook ya’ up, sir!”

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