Wednesday, May 16th, 2012,
(WASHINGTON) —Fierce budget battles and national security legislation were temporarily put on hold last Friday when the House of Representatives overwhelmingly voted to debate the “Capital Grille Dirty Martini Recovery Bill” (H.R. 5037). The House is scheduled to vote on the bill’s passage within the coming week.
The bill, championed by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), would mandate that the Capital Grille Restaurant, located mere blocks from the U.S. Capitol on Pennsylvania Avenue, would serve Pelosi stronger dirty martinis (and occasional cosmopolitans), with a quality of vodka no lower than Grey Goose, better olives, and include only a “splash” of Dry Vermouth, not the “ass load” the Congresswoman alleges.
Pelosi, a regular at the Capital Grille, claims that the strength and quality of her and fellow representatives’ dirty martinis have been lacking since 2009, and demands federal intervention to quell the onslaught of unsuitable martinis she routinely receives.
“My crucial work at the Capital Grille has been hampered for far too long,” said the twelve-term Congresswoman. “The good people of California’s eighth district demand their representatives receive dirty martinis of quality and reverence –not those made with Stoli, Absolute, or any of that crap; and served with large, fresh, quality olives, not those shitty little Spanish ‘elf turds!’ they call olives!”
Some House Republicans have taken opposition to the proposed legislation, charging it is a massive overreach of federal power into bartending practices of a private establishment, and during a crucial election year where fiscal concerns should take precedence. Declared a livid Representative Bob Latta (R-OH) during debate on the Capital Grille Dirty Martini Recovery Act, “Crucial legislation to curb the indulgences of the Obama administration and runaway spending have been halted, and for what? –so one Congresswoman and her colleagues can get the exact mixture of olive juice and vodka she thinks she’s entitle to? It’s no secret who Congresswoman Pelosi is in the pocket of –Big Olive, or Big Dirty, more specifically.”
However fellow Democrat House members leapt to Pelosi’s defense after Friday’s grueling 11-minute debate, hailing her crusade as “long overdue in such trying times” and an “attempt to remove a long injustice to the extracurricular activities of Congresspersons everywhere.”
House Minority Whip and fellow Marylander Steny Hoyer defended Pelosi and gave a warning shot across the bowel of the owners of the Capital Grille. “This failure on behalf of one of our capital’s most treasured institutions can no longer be sustained,” said Hoyer on the steps of the House of Representatives Monday afternoon. “The Capital Grille Restaurant has repeatedly shown itself to be cheap pricks when it comes to their quality of vodka, olives, and the amount they use. We’ve all heard the horror stories over the years of people getting ripped off on martinis and similar drinks, and I for one have had it. It’s time to send a clear message: enough is enough, Capital Grille!”
Commented host George Stephanopoulos on ABC’s This Week on Sunday, “In a year which has seen a backlash to an overly-intrusive government; a government which many say is overspending, micromanaging too much of American life, Pelosi’s bill can only stoke the flames of that sentiment.”
Stephanopoulos’ guests, retiring Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA) and Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) got into a heated exchange over the Capital Grille Dirty Martini Recovery Act’s legitimacy and importance. Said Rep. Frank to Snuffleupagus, “This law is totally within Congressional authority. The Capital Grille’s dirty martinis are shitty! The vodka they use does tastes like Ted Kennedy’s snot (God rest him), and their Spanish olives are weeks old and they do look like elf turds! …If this bill saves only one person from experiencing a shitty martini at the Capital Grille, it’s worth it.”
Tea Party icon and presidential candidate Ron Paul weighed in on the Capital-Grille-dirty-martini saga on his website Tuesday, posting, “No Constitutional scholar in their right mind could ever find anything in it which demands a U.S. Representative be served a particular alcoholic beverage to his or her specification.”
However Paul’s posting finished in a despairing, conciliatory tone, “…But Congress has chosen to involve itself in so much the Constitution never intended it to, why not a law to mandate a better martini from a private establishment at this point? What the hell is the difference anymore? Go for it, dudes. Why don’t they just mandate all drinking-aged adults buy a dirty martini from the Capital Grille while they’re at it?”
“And ‘elf turds’? Don’t be ridiculous!” added Paul about the Grille’s olives. “They always looked like goblin boogers to me.”
Note to Readers: the above article is a shameless, unadulterated sack of lies! The dirty martinis at the Capital Grille are awesome! Trust us, Duh Progressive knows.