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U.S. To Quell Anti-Americanism Among Muslims via Massive Onslaught of Porn, Alcohol, Pork

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by David Schermansteinenbaum, DP Mid-East Correspondent

Thursday, October 18th, 2012,

(WASHINGTON)  —Recoiling from a recent spike in Islamist protests and attacks in the Middle East that have left an American Ambassador and three other diplomats dead, the State Department announced Thursday it has devised a bold new plan for winning over the hearts and minds of the world’s Muslims once and for all: by forced exposure to hardcore homosexual pornography, alcohol, and pork products!

     Through cooperation with hardcore porn makers —particularly gay porn producers— liquor distributors and pig farmers, the Obama administration plans on air-dropping thousands of tons of gay porn movies, magazines, assorted spirits, and pork goods upon dozens of Muslim cities throughout North Africa and Middle East, according to State Department officials Thursday.

  U.S. military aircraft will fly countless sorties over Muslim countries, beginning October 24th, the start of this year’s Hajj, the holiest of Muslim observances, according to State Department spokesperson Victoria Nuland. Specific concentration will be given Islamic cities’ mosques and madras’s (Islamic schools) to make sure they receive the brunt of the homosexual porn, pork, and alcohol products, as they float down in parachuted crates (much like humanitarian aid drops during natural disasters). However, according to Nuland, many of the crates will be timed to open a few feet above ground, showering Muslim onlookers below with liquor, bacon, and videos of Markus Ram’s Greatest Scenes

    According to the DOS’s Nuland, the new approach is keeping in step with President Obama’s vow to win over Muslim attitudes in light of the recent hostilities against U.S. personnel and establishments in the Islamic world, as well as show voters they can relax and trust President Obama’s approach to the Muslim world for another four years.

    “In years past (the United States) tried befriending Muslims by aiding corrupt dictators in Islamic nations", said Nuland to Duh Progressive, Thursday.  “Then after 9-11 we decided to bomb and invade Islamic countries. That didn’t work either. …But now we are certain that blanketing mosques and schools with pornography –mainly gay porn–, hard liquor and edible pig flesh is the best way to show Muslims we respect them and mean them no harm.”

     The administration has named the pending region-wide action “Operation Hard Drop.” 

     “Really,” Nuland added Thursday, “when you think about it: is there no better way to a radical Muslim’s heart than to blanket his child’s school or mosque with floating crates of Old Grandad, or Bob Evans sausages, or Robert Van Damme’s greatest gay porn hits (warning: link is NOT  work safe!) such as ‘Tallagaya Nights,’ ‘Barely Ache-Teen!’, ‘Whoops! I Dropped the Koran In the Shower Again!’, ‘Between the Cheeks (Pt. 2—18),’ ‘Fissure King,’ and ‘The Best of Barney Frank’s Basement’..?”

     Added Nuland, “Seriously, if someone can think of a better way to a Muslim’s heart, we’ll be all ears.”

 

   A Risky Play(girl) By the U.S.?

     When asked about the sudden shift in strategy Thursday, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said the idea behind Operation Hard Drop has been bantered about Washington and Mid-East think tanks for years.  But since the deadly attack on the U.S. Embassy in Libya and other protests throughout the Middle East, the administration has been desperately seeking new ways to quell anti-U.S. hostilities among Muslims.

     “There is more evidence than ever that dropping pornographic magazines, movies, Jim Beam and pork into Muslim cities will show the Islamic world our benign nature and the best American society has to offer,” said Carney confidently during one of his (now rare) press briefings, Thursday.

   “This is the exact course of action we've been urging (America) to take for years,” said Sameh Hammadi, the 16-year-old director of the Gay Muslim Teenager Association, a Cairo-based support group for gay Muslim males, which refuses to admit it even exists whilst in the Middle East, let alone come out of hiding. “We –who don’t even exist– think more pornography in our lives would actually help us be better students of Islam, so we will know more of the culture of the infidels.   We need all the adult magazines, movies, and alcohol we can lay our young, unadulterated hands on, and fast…preferably before dad gets home.”

     In addition to dropping crates of alcohol, bacon and gay porn on Muslim cities, State Department officials are most excited to drop these items on Islam’s holiest city of Mecca during this year’s Hajj, the annual Muslim pilgrimage to the city, and drop the porn, pork and booze directly on the sacred Kaaba of Mecca.

   Said Carney at his (supposedly) daily briefing, “Once Muslims around the world see images of U.S. military planes showering their holiest city with explicit gay porn, bacon strips, pages from Playgirl, and bottles of Jack Daniels breaking and pouring over the sacred Stone of Kaaba, they will feel the change President Obama promised to bring to the Muslim world.”

   Continued Carney, “Just imagine: one-hundred thousand Muslims, walking in prayer around the Kaaba in Mecca, during their holiest occasion, then suddenly are covered in pages of gay porn mags, sticking to their pious Muslim bodies via a slimy combo of pig fat and hard liquor… What is there not good to say about that approach? We are so confident!” 

    Secretary of State Hillary Clinton also said she is excited and very hopeful that Operation Hard Drop will work wonders in fermenting new understandings and friendships between the U.S. and Muslims abroad.

     But the administration’s enthusiasm, as well as the estimated 228-million dollars Operation Hard Drop will cost U.S. taxpayers may be a moot point, according to many Islamic leaders in the Middle East. Said Shaykh Adil al-Kalbani, the Head Imam of the Grand Mosque in Mecca (aka, the “Saudi Obama”), Thursday, “Go ahead, America, drop all the gay porn and liquor you want on us, it’s not like anything we don’t already have more than enough of!” 

    Continued al-Kalbani to reporters, Thursday, in a whiney, effeminate voice and rolling his eyes profusely, “Like, in such an uptight, oppressive society like ours, like, you don’t think every diehard –ooo, I said ‘hard!’– Muslim has a stash of bacon or bourbon, or the best of Peter North’s early films somewhere?   Like, girl, hellooooo…uhh, paaa-leeese! There’s nothing hedonistic or sacrilegious America can drop on us that we don’t have under our mattresses or in a secret closet somewhere. …But we’ll cut the (expletive) heads off anyone who agrees with me!”  

   “Spare your smut, America,” continued the holiest of Mecca’s chief Imam. “Maybe we should start dropping our gay porn star’s (as in one) videos and our homemade alcohol on America…just as long as I get to keep my copy of Arabia’s version of Playgirl, with its strapping model for October, Ishmael Allah-Oh-Hallah. He’s just too hot to give up. Sorry.”

   Added Kalbani, “Hmm-mmm! Boy, but do I love me some ‘Allah-Oh-Hallah’!”

 

UPDATE:  It appears Shaykh Adil al-Kalbani’s outing of Arabia’s top/only gay porn star and model for October, Ishmael Allah-Oh-Hallah, has left his career hanging a bit in limbo.


 

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