by D’Leereeus Johnson, DP staff,
Wednesday, May 29th, 2013,
(ORLANDO, FL) —Prosecutors and defense attorneys for George Zimmerman, the neighborhood watchman who shot and killed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin last year, have finally come to an agreement on a “jury of Zimmerman’s peers,” as Zimmerman heads to trial in the coming weeks.
The presiding judge in the case has given her approval of the prosecution and defense’s choice in jury members, stating that she has “full confidence” they will give Zimmerman a fair and unbiased review.
Zimmerman, 29, became (in)famous on February 26th of last year when on duty as a watchman in his Sanford neighborhood he had an altercation with Trayvon Martin, during which he shot and killed the unarmed African-American teen. The fallout of the shooting further strained race relations in the country and ignited a national debate over Florida and other states’ “Stand Your Ground” laws, which allows armed citizens to use deadly force in public if they believe their lives are in danger.
The American public has seen and heard a mountain of evidence supporting and refuting Zimmerman’s account of the shooting, however prosecutors are “absolutely certain” the decided jury will be firmly unbiased in hearing the case.
“We have no doubt the eight young men and four women we’ve selected as jurors are the best we have could have chosen,” said assistant prosecutor Bernie de la Rionda.
Due to the unique nature of the Zimmerman case, the presiding judge, Debra Nelson, has decided not to hide the identities of the jurors, nor forbid them from speaking with the press until the trial begins in June. In lieu of such a strange allowance of speech for the jurors, it did not take long for the jury members to begin speaking with reporters.
“I got no doubt we’re going to give Mr. Zimmerman a fair trial,” said Aquarius Deleterious Jenkins, a 23-year-old self-described “home gardening specialist” and historian on all things cannabis–related. “We’ll hear all (Zimmerman) has got to say and weigh the evidence accordingly. It won’t be the type of ‘weighing’ I’m used to, but we’ll still weigh it.”
Fellow juror and car wash station manager, Macadamius “Nutz” McGee, also expressed his heartfelt desire to give Zimmerman a fair trial, telling the Associated Press via phone interview, “George (Zimmerman) should feel safe with his fate in our hands. When you look up ‘fair’ on–line, our pictures should come up.”
Indeed, many of the jurors’ faces do appear on the internet, but not for the reasons McGee would like. Through its always reliable and meticulous (which coincidentally is the first name of one of the jurors, 26-year-old Meticulous Quells–Uproar III) investigating, Duh Progressive has uncovered most of the jurors photos on-line, as their arrest records allow their mug shots to be available to the public.
Such uncomfortable aspects about the “Z–12,” as the jurors’ relatives and homies are referring to the Zimmerman jurors, initially caused much consternation to the defense team. “…But then we realized: George Zimmerman had been arrested in the past, too,” said lead defense attorney Mark O’Mara, Wednesday. “That puts (Zimmerman) on a similar plane with many of the jurors. After all, every juror can relate to having ‘hostile’ or ‘negative’ run-ins with the law, just like Mr. Zimmerman.”
Zimmerman was arrested in 2005 on charges of domestic violence and resisting arrest, something both sides of the case say jurors can sympathize with, thus causing them to be less biased in either direction. However many of the jurors have criminal records that exceed simple domestic battery and scuffles with police, something which other lawyers of Zimmerman’s defense team are openly weary of, unlike O’Mara.
Another aspect to the picking of jurors was (unsurprisingly) race, according to O’Mara. Said O’Mara, Wednesday, “Every time we objected to a juror based on their similar socio-economic and criminal backgrounds to Trayvon Martin we were accused of being racists. Well, no one wants to be accused of being a racist or anything, especially in a case like this. So we let most of the jurors the prosecution suggested pass.”
Speaking of many of the chosen jurors’ police records, an anonymous source from the Zimmerman defense team said Wednesday, “Maybe it’s just me, but being accused (and occassionally convicted) of numerous drive-by shootings, gang-related robberies and beatings, rapes, running prostitution rings, illegal gambling, dog fighting, drug smuggling, gun smuggling, kidnapping, drug dealing, drug making, muggings, illegal firearms possessions, home invasions, parole violations, public masturbation, assaults, kitten catapulting, and even murder does not compare with Mr. Zimmerman’s one alleged instance of domestic violence and resisting arrest. …Some of us are extremely suspicious whether these jurors can really be unbiased.”
Continued the anonymous defense team member, “I mean, I wouldn’t want these people to be in any jury’s box judging anyone for anything. I wouldn’t even want them within a hundred miles of my neighborhood. And I’m Black!”
Lucky enough not to have to remain anonymous, Kimberly Guilfoyle of Fox News’ The Five was furious Wednesday in discussing the choice for the “Z–12.”
Shouted a visibly riled Guilfoyle to her co–hosts, “To think a defense team would ever agree to trust these —and let’s be honest— total ghettos thugs to give this client a fair trial is crazy! This is a disgrace. What is the American legal system…no, what is this whole country coming to?!”
“I don’t know who or why the defense finally gave the okay for these jurors, but they need to have their heads examined,” Guilfoyle added.
The Five’s lone Democrat co-host, Bob Beckel (a.k.a. “Beat-Up-Bob”) was quick to take issue with Guilfoyle, instinctively accusing her of being a racist, as 11 of the 12 jurors, including the alternate jurors, are young Black men of “similar age and background” to Trayvon Martin. The only juror who is not a Black male between ages 18 and 30 on the jury is Chanel Davies, 24, a professional food stamp collector, pictured below:
“Obviously you think these jurors’ gender and class and race will affect how they view George Zimmerman, who’s a ‘white Hispanic’ as we all know, and that’s just presumptuous on your part, Kim,” Beckel said. “…Your hostility towards (the jurors) is race-based, just admit it.”
Undoubtedly similar discussions are taking place around the nation now that the Zimmerman jurors are known to the public…as well as federal, state, and local law enforcement officials.
Residents of Sanford, where the infamous shooting occurred are finding themselves also conversing over the choice in Zimmerman’s jury: eleven African-American men and one Caucasian female, all between 18 and 30 years old, and all from low-income neighborhoods within a large radius of Sanford, Florida (including the south side of Chicago).
“This poor guy, Zimmerberg, doesn’t stand a chance with these jurors,” said retired nurse Dolores Baldwin, 81, who lives just miles away from where the shooting occurred. “Not one of these jurors looks anything like (George Zimmerman) or resembles anything remotely similar to his culture or past, or upbringing. None of them went out of their way to join law enforcement; they worked against it. Zimmerbaum doesn’t have a chance.”
However, Zimmerman juror DeLeLaDuDaQueneesha Hackerman, 22, professed to reporters Wednesday her steadfast belief in a fair trial for Zimmerman, saying she will hear all evidence presented with an impartial mindset. Jones told reporters she knows what it is like to be arrested for marijuana possession, which was found in Trayvon Martin’s system the night he was shot, but also knows what it’s like to defend her neighborhood and home from intruders. “I promise, I swear,” Jones told a local TV station Wednesday, “that this mother–fu…sorry, this gentleman, Zimmerman, can expect me to hear him out fairly. Seriously.”
Famed defense attorney Alan Dershowitz said he is more than disappointed about a jury with such a lengthy criminal history and of “similar demographics” in a case where the issues of racism and racial profiling are such key components. Said the famous legal scholar and Harvard Law School professor to Duh Progressive, Wednesday, “You just can’t take the sins from the past and reverse them and then proclaim the system ‘rectified.’ That’s not how it works. We have fought hard over the years to grant defendants, particularly African-Americans and other minorities real, true juries that reflected their actual peers. And now it seems the court’s handling of the Zimmerman case is undoing all the progress we’ve made in our legal system. It’s a travesty, if you ask me.”
La—a (Ladasha) Sheelay, juror #9 in the upcoming trial said she hadn’t heard much about the Zimmerman–Martin case, but was eager to begin hearing the evidence “as fairly and openly” as possible. “I’m ready to perform my civic duty,” Sheelay said, Wednesday. “I’m willing to hear all sides’ arguments…especially in the penalty phase.”
George Zimmerman himself has not publically commented on the court’s pick for those who will be deciding his fate. However a Zimmerman family spokesperson did issue this formal statement Wednesday afternoon: “OH SHIT!!!”
UPDATE: Breaking: It has just been learned that jury member #5, Keeshawn “Booger” Merlot, 20, was shot and killed while standing outside his apartment building this evening. He will be replaced by alternate jury member, the Reverend Al Sharpton.
NOTE: Duh Progressive would like to thank comedians Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele for inspiring this article, and we look forward to another season of Key & Peele on the Comedy Central network! Rock on, guys!